Is there any way to break the negative loop of being around a narcissistic mother?
Dear Friends, I have posted here a lot, and some of you may already know my circumstances: I am POA for my 91-year old narcissistic mom who has vascular dementia, Alzheimer's, and a host of other health problems. She lives (unhappily) in memory care. I live a half-day's drive from her facility but fortunately 2 other family members, (full-time employment status and families of their own) help with her care. Church members (God bless 'em) pick her up and take her to church once a week. Once or twice a month I visit Mom for several days at a time to take her to her doctor's appointments. I believe it's necessary to take her to most of these myself as I believe there is no substitute for seeing and communicating with her doctors face-to-face to assess Mom's needs.
I've gone low contact because of longstanding issues between us. My focus is primarily on Mom's medical care, paying her bills, and managing her property. I try to minimize personal contact like visits and phone calls as much as I can. She has an abusive nature; a full spectrum of narcissistic behaviors that will never go away: lying, gaslighting, guilt-tripping, manipulation, slander, etc. Some of her conduct requires far too much cunning (ability to plan) to attribute to dementia. My apologies to those who believe otherwise; there's too much evidence to the contrary.
Despite this, I'm finding it necessary to respond to medical crises more often than I might wish. She is, after all, quite aged and these events keep happening more and more. I find myself balancing a tightrope of protecting myself and appropriate response to her needs. Care-taking duties have taken a substantial toll on my physical and emotional health.
That being said, one of the most wearing aspects of personal contact (which I minimize as much as possible) is Mom's proclivity for negativity. From soup to nuts, nothing is right and it's all my fault. You cannot redirect. Starting a constructive topic is pointless; there might be a 2-second pause before she takes up another complaint about some other circumstance that doesn't conform to her exacting standards; an endless loop of negativity. No one else exists on this planet. No one else has needs, problems, or heartaches. It's all about her. No joke; if I died today, she wouldn't blink but fume about who would take her to the dentist. In fact, on the event of my father's (her husband's) death, she was taken to see him for the last time. Afterwards, as Mom was escorted out of the nursing home, she pondered aloud, "What will I do now that my father is gone?" and immediately began a tirade about all my deficiencies.
Mom has now contrived an arsenal of slander against me, a convoluted mix of fact and fiction to discredit me to friends, family, and strangers alike. She will openly admit she "needs me." Shocking how she can treat the one who does the most with such contempt.
Some say I ought to "enjoy" Mom while she's still with us. Excuse me? Enjoy what? Others say warm and fuzzy moments (when Mom says or does "cute" things or lets an "I love you" slip) should sustain me. Sorry folks, those watercolor memories ain't happening.
I wish I had the conscience and the resources to go "no contact" and never look back. Believe it or not, I've evolved. Gone is any ambition to "win" Mom's love. Gone is the hope for the mother-daughter relationship I never had. I learned to mother myself decades ago. One thing for sure. It's made me strong.
If anyone out there knows how to break the negative loop, even for "the moment," please pitch in. Your suggestions are much appreciated!
Thanks so much for listening. If it wasn't for my friends here, ....well, I don't wanna think about it!
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Another tactic would be to cut the visit short once she gets abusive. Give her a warning and if she doesn't back off get up and leave. Maybe get only 20 minutes the first time but after that leave for the day. She needs to suffer the consequences of her actions. That is the problem I see in so many posts. The poster lets the elder get away with such terrible behavior and then can't figure out why it keeps happening. It happens because you tolerate it. So many blame the disease. Disease or not I am not going to put up with abuse from someone I am going out of my way to help.
When I was due to have surgery, my mom's only question was if I still have life insurance. So warm and fuzzy....
But, I finally hired a wonderful aide for him. He caused a few to quit abruptly rather than deal with him...but the last aide was a wonder! She stood up to his crap, and one day put it straight to his face..."do you want me to leave?" He got real quiet...then said "no". He never dropped crap on her again,
From my perspective, it was great having her coming everyday...I just avoided him till she arrived.
Can you do the same? Do the absolute minimum and leave the NH to do everything? When Mom starts the crap..just ask "do you want me to leave?" If you keep abusing me, I will. Then leave it to her.
It didn't work for me...I ended up cutting my contact to next to nothing. It worked for my dads aide...maybe you?
When my mother starts acting like a b!tch, I remind her that I don't actually need to be there at all. (My mother is not a consistently negative person, but she can be snide and snarky when I don't handle things the way she thinks they ought to be done). If your mother's attitude is not due to her dementia, then it wouldn't hurt to make clear to her that if she doesn't drop the attitude, she can find her way to the next appointment without your help. You might not wish to do that, but it is what I would do in your place.
One thing I have learned from my narcissistic mother, is that she does NOT see me as a separate person, just one that is an extension of herself that she thinks she can manipulate into doing what she wants. I have learned to dig in and remind her that I am my own person. We just went through another tirade about how I'm not doing enough for her, and I really lit into her in the most controlled way possible under attack, and left. She called two hours later with one of the first apologies I've ever received (instead of the blame). Don't listen to anyone who gives you the advice that doesn't fit the circumstance. They haven't a clue.
I'm fortunate to have a great support system of family and friends who have all seen my mother in action. One of my best friends is also helping with my mother, since she still lives alone and refuses outside help. When it comes to that need, we will be making the best choices for her health and safety.
This site has helped to keep me focused and remind me that amid all this is ME, a person who also has needs and a life that shouldn't suffer because of my mother's unreasonable demands, guilt trips, and feigned issues.
It's important to point out that this didn't start when our parents got older, but started from an early age in our lives, and we are at the edge of our patience (or beyond) yet want to be as respectful, caring, and decent as we can with a person who hasn't truly appreciated a thing we've ever done or given up for them.
It's always been about them and it always will be. We search our individual consciences to find the best solution that we can live with and have no regrets. I can honestly say that after years of establishing and keeping boundaries and refusal to give in beyond what I feel comfortable doing, I am at that place.
Wishing everyone the best in this most difficult situation.
Hang in there.
I'd go even less contact and tell her why. If she keeps it up I'd go no contact and tell her why.
My mom has narcissistic personality disorder. I was completely estranged from her for 15 years. I know how cruel these people can be while appearing to be angels to the outside world. I'm living near my mom again but now I confront her about what she does and how it damages me and our family and that helps. However, she doesn't actively slander me and if she did I'd be gone.
Please put yourself first for a change.
And you know what? I don't feel even a little guilty... maybe I should have done this months ago. I just flat out said 'what happened to my aunts who used to *care* about my cousins and me, not fail to notice how far we're going to help..' and more.
Guess we'll see what the fallout is. I hope it involves her calling me to complain less often.
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