My four siblings are all still working. One lives near me and near Mom’s facility. The rest are out of town. I do at least 90% of the work of managing Mom’s care and providing social support. I am happy to do this for Mom, and am working hard to prioritize her quality of life and mine. For me this means setting boundaries so I can also do other things which are important to me.When concerns or issues come up regarding mom or her facility, one or two of my siblings are quick to make demands on me. The underlying assumption seems to be that since I am retired I should able/willing to care for mom as my siblings feel it should be done. I’m generally a strong person, but I often end up either agreeing to do things that don’t align with my priorities of quality of life for BOTH me and mom and feeling resentful, or I push back and then feel guilty and unfairly judged. How can I better manage my reaction to my siblings’ demands and criticisms? Specifically, what can I say to them in these instances?
What on earth are they expecting you to do, that they are complaining about?
NO, you push back to show you don't take crap that you don't deserve.
Here's some comments to make to these demanding morons:
-I do 90% of the work, so you don't get to criticize me.
-If you can do so much better, then when do you plan to take over?
-What exactly have you done for Mom's care to expect me to even listen?
Wow. Four siblings, all working and never actually helping? If they don't ever do any "hands on" how do they know "how it should be done?"
When your siblings act up and start with the demands and criticism of you tell them to go "love" themselves (I really mean a very different 4-letter word that will get me thrown out of this group). Then walk away.
If this doesn't shut them up, you can always tell them that you'd be more than happy to step aside and let them handle and manage everything for your mother if they think they can do better.
You keep this in mind, my friend. You're the one doing 90% of the work to give your mother what she needs and to make her some decent quality of life. So you have a right to 'push back' on them when they're offering nothing but words. Talk is cheap.
Don't take their behavior towards you for one more minute. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Like I said, if they think they can do better, they can take over.