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My four siblings are all still working. One lives near me and near Mom’s facility. The rest are out of town. I do at least 90% of the work of managing Mom’s care and providing social support. I am happy to do this for Mom, and am working hard to prioritize her quality of life and mine. For me this means setting boundaries so I can also do other things which are important to me.When concerns or issues come up regarding mom or her facility, one or two of my siblings are quick to make demands on me. The underlying assumption seems to be that since I am retired I should able/willing to care for mom as my siblings feel it should be done. I’m generally a strong person, but I often end up either agreeing to do things that don’t align with my priorities of quality of life for BOTH me and mom and feeling resentful, or I push back and then feel guilty and unfairly judged. How can I better manage my reaction to my siblings’ demands and criticisms? Specifically, what can I say to them in these instances?

I'd like to hear feed back too! ☺️
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Reply to tdhawk888
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SMH... I would not tolerate this nonsense for one moment from my siblings or anyone else for that matter.

When your siblings act up and start with the demands and criticism of you tell them to go "love" themselves (I really mean a very different 4-letter word that will get me thrown out of this group). Then walk away.

If this doesn't shut them up, you can always tell them that you'd be more than happy to step aside and let them handle and manage everything for your mother if they think they can do better.

You keep this in mind, my friend. You're the one doing 90% of the work to give your mother what she needs and to make her some decent quality of life. So you have a right to 'push back' on them when they're offering nothing but words. Talk is cheap.

Don't take their behavior towards you for one more minute. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Like I said, if they think they can do better, they can take over.
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Tiredniece23 Jan 22, 2025
100% agree!
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OMG....the nerve. Makes me glad I only have one brother.
What on earth are they expecting you to do, that they are complaining about?
NO, you push back to show you don't take crap that you don't deserve.

Here's some comments to make to these demanding morons:
-I do 90% of the work, so you don't get to criticize me.
-If you can do so much better, then when do you plan to take over?
-What exactly have you done for Mom's care to expect me to even listen?

Wow. Four siblings, all working and never actually helping? If they don't ever do any "hands on" how do they know "how it should be done?"
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Beethoven13 Jan 20, 2025
Omg, reminds me why I am fortunate to be an only child.
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I just read through all of the responses - various! Stand strong and don't back down. It made me wonder if things really get bad enough, your back is up against the proverbial wall, and you have no other option, well..... is this where the term "Come to Jesus Meeting" comes into play?
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Reply to JLyn69
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Start by communicating with your siblings when there isn't an incident. Develop relationship with each of your siblings and their families - so they know you better. Then, help them to understand how you are willing to help mom and how you are unable/unwilling to help her. Ask each of them how he/she/they are willing to help when mom's needs increase. Some might be willing to visit a bit. Others might be able to pitch in financially. Others might be able to offer other types of assistance. A gentle reminder that she is mother to ALL of you, might be all that is needed in the face of criticism.
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Reply to Taarna
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Here's my 2 cents because stories like this enrage me. If you can muster it, tell them "I am carrying the load so things will get done exactly as I say. You don't like it? Then you are free to move her to where you are and you take over. I don't want to hear a single thing. Not ONE thing. If you continue to annoy me, I will block all of your calls and text messages and you will have no contact from me at all. Push me once again, and see how fast I do that." Remember, you are under NO obligation to answer their questions or heed any demands. For crying out loud, you're the one doing the work so you get to choose. I'm serious. Warn them and if they continue, block them totally. Then it's on them to find out any info, but it won't be from you. Time to take off the shackles of unappreciative siblings who demand things while doing nothing.
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Lovemom1941 Jan 22, 2025
I did this exactly! I was providing information and updates and the criticism was ugly, unearned, and stressing me out. I received a particularly ugly text and then and there I blocked them all (brother, sister, nephew). Later, I moved my mom and did not advise. It took a MONTH for them to realize she wasn't there anymore and started making ugly posts on social media then reaching out to my daughter. Since they involved my daughter, I sent a single message that stated the name of her memory care and the city it was in. That is all. I do ALL of the work and that is the way both parents arranged it. I am not on a committee, I make the best decisions I can based on a deep and loving relationship with my mom. Everyone else can pound sand! I'd bet good money that if I moved her again, it would be 6 months before they discovered it.

As far as I am concerned, they are my mother's other children and I have nothing to do with them. My life is peaceful and happy again and my mother is well.
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Tell them to each take two weeks off of work to help mom and if they aren’t going to do that then they need to zip it.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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OMG this situation almost drove me CRAZY!

Im the primary caregiver for my mom and two disabled siblings (my mom and one of my disabled siblings recently passed away).

In recent years my 5 other brothers drove me nuts!!!

We would get on weekly conference calls (which they would never say if they couldnt attend or not). I would update them on the 90% of the caregiving that I am doing. They saw getting on the conference call and listening to me as their service for the family.

The critiquing and lack of appreciation drove me mad. Then when I spoke up or pushed back than I was the unreasonable one.

The biggest challenge was me wanting to investigate changing her code status at the hospital. My brothers would never except guidance from an expert (ie nurse) on what to do. They know everything. Brothers the absolute worst.

My solution was to keep my head down and keep doing most of the work, while not being apricated, almost never being thanked, and keep taking the critiques and criticism from those 1 or 2.

It changed our relationship forever. I lost a lot of respect for most of them.
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MiaMoor Jan 14, 2025
I'm very sorry for your loss.
It has taken me months before I can stop feeling like I should be somewhere else, doing something else, now that I no longer visit Mum and manage her care.
I hope that you are actively reclaiming your life and not feeling guilty about doing things for yourself.
Wishing you well.
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I would tell them point blank that you would be happy to step down and let them manage Mom's care. They will run in the opposite direction!
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Reply to Welzsj
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Thank you for your unsolicited opinion, but I am not looking for a backseat quarterback at this time. Until you are in it neck deep and dealing with it, you don't really understand what it's like and what is required. I welcome one or all of you to step forward and take on the task of managing moms care. Better yet, why don't you finally retire after you have worked your entire life and then jump into the role of managing moms care and see how eager you will be for me to tell you what to do and how to do it from the comfort of my couch. I am not an only child and she is not just my responsibility.
Sidebar:
Caregiving is riddled with guilt. I have not found a way to not beat myself up when things happen to her or when things come up and I can't see her as often as I know I need to. I think it's just part of the process.
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MiaMoor Jan 14, 2025
It's easy for people still working to feel that retirement will be an easy stress-free life. Thing is, for those without responsibilities it can be. The siblings still in work probably won't have to take care of Mum when they retire, so they may never know how difficult, physically and emotionally, that can be.
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I don't think they are able to be reasoned with. They will do anything not to have to take the responibity It is even worse if they gang up on you. So you need to do whatever you need to protect yurself.. Be strong, be firm. Good luck.
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Reply to Isabelsdaughter
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Always take a breath and count before you answer them. Then, calmly tell your siblings that you have your way of doing things. Or thank them and say you appreciate them coming and helping you out with this, then say you have to run before hanging up.

Don't make excuses why you can't do anything, as they will just come up with reasons why you can. Don't get into a discussion about it, either.

Lastly, don't feel guilty about creating boundaries. This is your life, not just your mum's, and you have to live it.
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Ignore the critics, embrace the supporters! Continue to accomplish the tasks u are doing! This is a difficult situation, those who don’t step up to the plate cannot participate!
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Reply to LZEMON
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I would respond in ways such as this:

“Your concern is noted and I will follow up as I determine appropriate.”

“ Thank you, I will take your perspective into consideration.”

“ I will be unavailable the week of ( date). Which of you should I tell the nursing facility will be on first/ second call.”

These are things I will need assistance with next month. Please select which you each prefer to handle:
1) new slippers for mom
2) attend the care plan meeting ( by phone) with me on ( date).
3) …
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JooFroo Jan 13, 2025
“I would love to be able to fit all your suggestions in, sometimes that’s not always do-able because even though mom is in a facility, it still is a full time job. Would you be willing to help me with the things you suggest so they can get done? This is something you may not realize because you’re not here on a daily basis, but there really is a lot to do and sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in all the things that need to be done. I would appreciate your help! Just like you getting to have days off from work, I need those also.”
I wish everyone’s family were like mine. We are so blessed. Between myself, my husband and my sister in law, we take turns bearing the load. If we see that one of us is overwhelmed, we immediately step it up do the other can take a break. I have to tell my sister in law often that she needs to stay home and take care of herself and her house and relax. She also feels guilty when she takes a break but my husband and I remind her she needs to take breaks- especially since she is mom’s legal guardian. She does ALOT and we are happy to take over for one another so we can be the best we can be. If anything, mom’s condition has made us closer- and we work like a well oiled machine. We realize how fortunate we are to have each other. And that is not usually happens when a parent declines in health. I just wish everyone could have what we have
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Do what feels right for you! I am in year 6 of my management of moms dementia care…I no longer allow anyone ..sibling included…. to influence me..I am doing the work…it is so easy to have opinions when you sit back and watch! My counselor taught me setting boundaries and speaking up to others as needed. If a family member is unreasonable…just block them! Stay strong..I also am retired and have other things I want to do…so I do them! Good Luck..
ps: I love this response to family “’That’s a great idea. Thanks for taking the lead on this.’ (they will disappear).”….oh yes they will run!!!!
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caregiver008 Jan 15, 2025
Do you block the patient from the sibling?
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Torchmom:

If your siblings bother you, block their phone and text messages. You retired from work, so your job, including caregiving, is ended. As suggested, seek professional help for yourself. Good luck!
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Jacquelinezr Jan 15, 2025
Exactly!!!
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This is very hard to do. I was the primary caregiver for my mother for 10 years before she moved into a retirement home in November in another city closer to my sister.

I also felt that my sibling could be judgmental, on occasion. Like you, I truly did my very best. I also resented the underlying assumption that my time was expendable because I’m retired.

I did say the following things that (sometimes) worked depending on the situation:

’I can’t be running over to see Mom again. I just saw her at ___’.

’Would YOU be willing to (whatever it is that they’re asking you to do)?. I have other things that I really need to get to this week’.

‘I don’t think that you realize how much time this all takes. I haven’t had my lunch/dinner yet’.

I just read another response (below), which is excellent:

’That’s a great idea. Thanks for taking the lead on this.’ (they will disappear).

And so forth. In other words, create some handy responses that will fit your particular situation and have them ready when necessary.

It’s about setting limits with siblings who haven’t walked in your shoes.

I hope that this helps.
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Reply to Danielle123
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Oh dear. I feel for you! Your sibs will never ever EVER understand the position you've been forced into. Even if they themselves end up taking care of an adult during THEIR retirement, it won't be exactly the same situation, and therefore they still won't understand YOUR situation in retrospect.
I say this because I don't want to to beat your brains out searching for the perfect explanation.
"I CANNOT" should suffice. You'll unfortunately never have their complete understanding or appreciation, BUT YOU HAVE OURS! I think you've done more than enough!
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BlueHeron Jan 12, 2025
Correcting my typo: "I don't want you to beat your brains out"
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I had a situation with my disabled younger sister after my mother died. Siblings and father didn't know anything else but to attack me verbally and demand more and more of my time. I worked full time but wasn't making enough money to move out of the home. I had a kid to raise and was in college myself for a couple days a week taking evening classes. My daughter was old enough to stay home and my neighbors looked out for her.

Anyway, according to my dad, I was not to have any life other than work and caretaking. This mindset was to alleviate their own guilt for not doing a thing. Dad wanted to keep me in place by dumping the house, and his daughter in my lap not caring if I had the money or resources to keep things going. After that last blowout when he and his oldest daughter and granddaughter came over one evening all due to my oldest sister spewing lies, I knew that I was done with that entire situation. She did not make one doctor's appointment or came to help. Problem was is that she wanted the house. Dad was always bailing older sister and her daughter out financially until he got too old. She would come home and he would co-sign for her to get into apartments. She would stop paying the rent and get evicted. This went on for years. Back then housing was cheap, maybe a couple of hundred dollars. However, as the housing market increased, he got stuck one time having to pay her complete rent and ended up going to rent court because of her. By the grace of God, I had moved out of the house, and my younger sister had been safely placed in a brand new group home that had been built from the ground up. I made the arrangements to have her placed sometime before, and all he had to do to finalize the process was to show up at a scheduled meeting. Even after younger sister and I left home, he was still paying bills for older daughter and sending money to his oldest granddaughter years later.

Do not let these people eat up your time and energy. Let them visit the facility on their own accord. If they feel like something should be done, let them do it and make the arrangements themselves.

If they call you again with their ongoing requests, give them the number to whatever place they are requesting and let them call themselves.
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Jacquelinezr Jan 15, 2025
Oh, man, you were really put through the wringer. Torchmom, please listen to Scampie and the rest of us when we say -- cut them out and give them the number to the facility. Let them call the facility to check up on her. Remove yourself from their demands and hate. Enough is enough. Scampie, so glad you found your way out of that, and even took care that your sister would be cared for. Your family didn't say it, but you were a total hero.
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@SadBigSister- Thank you for sharing

no reply was a available to your post
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Reply to Khrules
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torchmom: This issue is all too typical of non caregiving siblings to critique the active caregiver. Let them step up to the plate then or take no 'advice.'
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Reply to Llamalover47
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Well, I think the fact that you clearly recognize how you are responding and how it makes you feel is a good start!

It sounds like you already know the answer, you are just having trouble implementing it without feeling guilt.

I don't know if you have time for meeting with a therapist, but that may help you identify and learn effective ways of managing your feelings of guilt or resentment.

You ask what, specifically, you can say to siblings. Start by saying "NO".
And don't rush to respond to their requests. It's ok to take your time and consider their request, and consider how you feel about it. Consider whether you agree, disagree, have the time and inclination to fulfill that request, or if this is something you are not willing to be a part of.

If you decide to go ahead and participate in their suggestion, do so without resentment. It was your choice, after all.

When you decline, politely say "No." You do not need a good explanation.
Your time and your feelings are valid as a reason to decline to do something you don't feel comfortable doing.

Remind your family that it is not necessarily your responsibility to take care of mom. You enjoy taking some time to make her life more comfortable, that doesn't make you the caretaker.

And finally, consider your out-of-town siblings. How far away are they? If it's too far for them to practically visit regularly, consider how frustrated they might feel to not be there. They know you are close, and they know you are spending time with your mom, so you are their only link to what's going on. You can keep them updated before they ask. And provide alternative suggestions when they ask you to do something you don't want to do. Is there a friend, neighbor, volunteer who might be called upon to help out?
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Reply to CaringWifeAZ
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I had a situation in real life like this. I was on a committee and leading a certain project. Another committee member didn't like how I was handling things and was critical. I called him and said I heard you were unhappy with how I am handling things. He tried to make it sound as if he was not the only one who was unhappy. I said no problem, I will remove myself from this event and you can appoint someone else to handle this. You would not believe the back peddling. Too many people want to direct but never get their hands dirty. Next time someone criticizes you tell them you are more than happy to turn over this duty to them but if they are unwilling you will continue to do the hard work as you see fit. Doesn't matter you are the only retired one, that does not mean you should get stuck with the bulk of the work.
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Auntique Jan 22, 2025
It's the "Little Red Hen" syndrome:
The LRH finds some grain, asks 'who will help me plant this grain?' --no answer from the other animals
LRH plants the grain, tends it, harvest it, mills the flour, makes the dough, bakes the bread--all with no help from the other animals.
BUT -- all of the other animals are there to 'help' eat that baked bread --after all the hard, sometimes messy, and often stressful work is done.
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“I can’t POSSIBLY do that!”
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Reply to cxmoody
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You Don't! Just Say, "No".

More information about your mother's condition would be helpful. You all love your mother, but no one owes her anything. The facility is supposed to be taking care of her. If you have POA, you take care of your mother's medical and financial decisions on her behalf that should not take up 90% of your time. Your health and life take priority. Please ignore your siblings' demands and take care of yourself.

Patathome01
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Cut them off If they are Not willing to help with your Moms care . Often times caregiving falls on One Person - this is a fact .
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SadBigSister Jan 12, 2025
I have no help from my sister in caring for our father in the 5 years since my mother died. I also get "demands" from afar. Worse than that there has been no concern for me personally although she recognizes that I am the caregiver. I do have resentment as she and her husband are free to travel and live their lives. I have not had a vacation since my mother died and although I love my Dad, it is hard to oversee everything. I am grateful that my husband has been a wonderful help. I have no inclination to stay in touch with my sister when my Dad passes. Here is something that might make you feel better as the main caregiver. I don't know who wrote it but it is heartwarming for those of us who are caregiving. Fear of Your Parents' Old Age 

"There is a break in the family history, where the ages accumulate and overlap, and the natural order makes no sense: it’s when the child becomes the parent of their parent."
It’s when the father grows older and begins to move as if he were walking through fog. Slowly, slowly, imprecisely.
It’s when one of the parents who once held your hand firmly when you were little no longer wants to be alone.
It’s when the father, once strong and unbeatable, weakens and takes two breaths before rising from his seat.
It’s when the father, who once commanded and ordered, now only sighs, only groans, and searches for where the door and window are—every hallway now feels distant.
It’s when one of the parents, once willing and hardworking, struggles to dress themselves and forgets to take their medication.
And we, as their children, will do nothing but accept that we are responsible for that life.
The life that gave birth to us depends on our life to die in peace.
Every child is the parent of their parent's death. Perhaps the old age of a father or mother is, curiously, the final pregnancy.
Our last lesson. An opportunity to return the care and love they gave us for decades.
And just as we adapted our homes to care for our babies, blocking power outlets and setting up playpens, we will now rearrange the furniture for our parents.
The first transformation happens in the bathroom. We will be the parents of our parents, the ones who now install a grab bar in the shower.
The grab bar is emblematic. The grab bar is symbolic. The grab bar inaugurates the "unsteadiness of the waters."
Because the shower, simple and refreshing, now becomes a storm for the old feet of our protectors.
We cannot leave them for even a moment.
The home of someone who cares for their parents will have grab bars along the walls. And our arms will extend in the form of railings.
Aging is walking while holding onto objects; aging is even climbing stairs without steps. We will be strangers in our own homes. We will observe every detail with fear and unfamiliarity, with doubt and concern.
We will be architects, designers, frustrated engineers. How did we not foresee that our parents would get sick and need us?
We will regret the sofas, the statues, and the spiral staircase. We will regret all the obstacles and the carpet.
Happy is the child who becomes the parent of their parent before their death, and unfortunate is the child who only appears at the funeral and doesn't say goodbye a little each day.
My friend *Joseph Klein accompanied his father until his final moments.
In the hospital, the nurse was maneuvering to move him from the bed to the stretcher, trying to change the sheets when Joe shouted from his seat: Let me help you. He gathered his strength and, for the first time, took his father into his arms. He placed his father's face against his chest.
He cradled his father, consumed by cancer: small, wrinkled, fragile, trembling. He held him for a long time, the time equivalent to his childhood, the time equivalent to his adolescence, a long time, an endless time. By Your Side Nothing Hurts
Rocking his father back and forth. Caressing his father. Calming his father. And he said softly:

 I'm here, I'm here, Dad! "What a father wants to he
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Ok
so first off well done in your looking after mother almost alone - it isn’t an easy task
Your life’s as important as theirs
and they should be pulling their weight as well
you could possibly hold a family meeting and update them on how caring for your mother without much support from them is impacting on your time energy and ability to get involved in things you’d like to do
Their life is no more important than yours
And if they are making demands on you then you need their help on how they can also contribute to helping - running errands - spending time with your mother - help with household chores
document the interactions and contributions of each of them
if disagreements arise then you have a record that can help provide a clear picture of who has contributed and in what ways
if theg are unwilling ( feel unable) to help then maybe consider involving a third party ( care) to help you
they may well have your mothers interests at heart but making demands and lists isn’t helping anyone- you are now overwhelmed and feeling ill with the pressure of no support
you need a collaborative approach - shared goals for your mothers care
you also need time to recharge your batteries and gave a life
life doesn’t stop at retiring
you want to get involved with things - you need time to look after you and rest- mentally and physically

End of day you can’t control how your siblings behave
So it’s ok to focus on what you can control which is your reactions and your wellbeing..
you need clear boundaries - maybe they don’t realise you are exhausted and need help
if they won’t help then I’d look into care options to help and advise them that they need to provide some practical help. You need help! You can’t cope anymore ..
sometimes people really don’t see the stress people are under and if they did maybe would make more efforts
good luck
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A generic response that works well in a variety of situations goes like this:

"That's a great idea! Thanks for taking the lead on this."

They'll likely respond with reasons why they can't do it, why it would be better if you did it, etc.

An important rule to remember in negotiation is: 'whoever speaks first loses', so resist the temptation to get into an argument. Don't engage. You can repeat some variation of "Great idea, thanks for looking into it" whatever makes it clear the ball is in their court. Generally the fewer words you speak, the better.

When people realize you're not just going to add their idea or criticism to your To-Do list, but that it will actually require some work on their part, their fountain of ideas and complaints starts to dry up.
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Marcy8 Jan 12, 2025
Love this answer.
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Your siblings need to grow up and help out. I think you need to let them know that.
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Say, “Oh wow, you are volunteering to take over mom’s management and that makes me so happy. Let me know when you need some help. I will drop off her notebook with all her info in it. I will call the care center and let them know your contact information. You must have guessed how much I have been doing and how much I needed this break. Thank you so much. I’ll call you in a month and see how you are doing. I love you for this!!”
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