My four siblings are all still working. One lives near me and near Mom’s facility. The rest are out of town. I do at least 90% of the work of managing Mom’s care and providing social support. I am happy to do this for Mom, and am working hard to prioritize her quality of life and mine. For me this means setting boundaries so I can also do other things which are important to me.When concerns or issues come up regarding mom or her facility, one or two of my siblings are quick to make demands on me. The underlying assumption seems to be that since I am retired I should able/willing to care for mom as my siblings feel it should be done. I’m generally a strong person, but I often end up either agreeing to do things that don’t align with my priorities of quality of life for BOTH me and mom and feeling resentful, or I push back and then feel guilty and unfairly judged. How can I better manage my reaction to my siblings’ demands and criticisms? Specifically, what can I say to them in these instances?
Or (still smiling) "I don't have to do any of this."
Or just "No".
"No" is a complete sentance which they will have no trouble understanding as long as you don't confuse them by vasilating.
Now, when I was there helping, I was bossed around, criticized about how I dressed aunt, questioned if I was showering her. I mean anything they could think of, they criticized or questioned, and mind you, they live closer to aunt, and I live out of state, and none of them offered a hand, just criticism and asking more of my time.
I got sick of all of them. I gave up my POA and I let them deal with it.
None of them are happy that I walked away, but at least I have my peace of mind and them all out of my hair demanding my life.
If your mother is well cared for in a facility you should not be providing the majority of social support. How many times are you visiting and for how long? It is difficult to decrease due to obligation but to maintain your healthy wellbeing you may need to visit less.
Can you elaborate on what the details of the demands are?
As far as responding to siblings demands. Tell them this is already under consideration and if you feel that it is a priority you will act. Any push back tell them "I understand your concerns and I am also looking at what is best for mom. What did you think of her at your last visit?" Then tell them you will prioritize as you feel appropriate. If they say anything about time, tell them if they feel they need addressing quickly then they should do it themselves.
As far as resentful feelings, this is a indicator that you are currently doing too much and need to step back. I was feeling resentful but I realized I was trying to do too much at the sacrifice of me. When I began prioritizing myself first then addressing my uncles needs, I realized that he survived without immediate attention and I was in a better state of mind to then address any important matters for him.
Wishing you the best!
Sounds like you're carrying that torch for everyone? I can't tell if that's by choice or happenstance. I can't tell if the siblings are failing to help you or are interfering with things you've handled.
I haven't a clue what's going on here.
You've a mom in care at a facility, and there are 5 siblings, some of them close by.
It sounds on the face of it (and you please must forgive me here for all the things I am missing) almost "ideal". You need to set me straight!
Can you tell me a few details about problems?
Would you be willing to write out for me either one or two situations?
Because I can't imagine someone who is doing 90% getting ANY criticism without saying:
"Darling! You HAVE TO BE KIDDING. I know I am retired, but I am doing 90% here. So until you are willing to DO IT and let ME do the critique, I am afraid we are DONE for today."
Anyway: Give me a "for instance", and I will let you know how to read them the riot act.
By the way, and as an aside, who is POA, contact for the Facility here?
Good luck. Hope you respond, torch. I am fascinated with your dilemma.
"That's a great idea! Thanks for taking the lead on this."
They'll likely respond with reasons why they can't do it, why it would be better if you did it, etc.
An important rule to remember in negotiation is: 'whoever speaks first loses', so resist the temptation to get into an argument. Don't engage. You can repeat some variation of "Great idea, thanks for looking into it" whatever makes it clear the ball is in their court. Generally the fewer words you speak, the better.
When people realize you're not just going to add their idea or criticism to your To-Do list, but that it will actually require some work on their part, their fountain of ideas and complaints starts to dry up.
so first off well done in your looking after mother almost alone - it isn’t an easy task
Your life’s as important as theirs
and they should be pulling their weight as well
you could possibly hold a family meeting and update them on how caring for your mother without much support from them is impacting on your time energy and ability to get involved in things you’d like to do
Their life is no more important than yours
And if they are making demands on you then you need their help on how they can also contribute to helping - running errands - spending time with your mother - help with household chores
document the interactions and contributions of each of them
if disagreements arise then you have a record that can help provide a clear picture of who has contributed and in what ways
if theg are unwilling ( feel unable) to help then maybe consider involving a third party ( care) to help you
they may well have your mothers interests at heart but making demands and lists isn’t helping anyone- you are now overwhelmed and feeling ill with the pressure of no support
you need a collaborative approach - shared goals for your mothers care
you also need time to recharge your batteries and gave a life
life doesn’t stop at retiring
you want to get involved with things - you need time to look after you and rest- mentally and physically
End of day you can’t control how your siblings behave
So it’s ok to focus on what you can control which is your reactions and your wellbeing..
you need clear boundaries - maybe they don’t realise you are exhausted and need help
if they won’t help then I’d look into care options to help and advise them that they need to provide some practical help. You need help! You can’t cope anymore ..
sometimes people really don’t see the stress people are under and if they did maybe would make more efforts
good luck
"There is a break in the family history, where the ages accumulate and overlap, and the natural order makes no sense: it’s when the child becomes the parent of their parent."
It’s when the father grows older and begins to move as if he were walking through fog. Slowly, slowly, imprecisely.
It’s when one of the parents who once held your hand firmly when you were little no longer wants to be alone.
It’s when the father, once strong and unbeatable, weakens and takes two breaths before rising from his seat.
It’s when the father, who once commanded and ordered, now only sighs, only groans, and searches for where the door and window are—every hallway now feels distant.
It’s when one of the parents, once willing and hardworking, struggles to dress themselves and forgets to take their medication.
And we, as their children, will do nothing but accept that we are responsible for that life.
The life that gave birth to us depends on our life to die in peace.
Every child is the parent of their parent's death. Perhaps the old age of a father or mother is, curiously, the final pregnancy.
Our last lesson. An opportunity to return the care and love they gave us for decades.
And just as we adapted our homes to care for our babies, blocking power outlets and setting up playpens, we will now rearrange the furniture for our parents.
The first transformation happens in the bathroom. We will be the parents of our parents, the ones who now install a grab bar in the shower.
The grab bar is emblematic. The grab bar is symbolic. The grab bar inaugurates the "unsteadiness of the waters."
Because the shower, simple and refreshing, now becomes a storm for the old feet of our protectors.
We cannot leave them for even a moment.
The home of someone who cares for their parents will have grab bars along the walls. And our arms will extend in the form of railings.
Aging is walking while holding onto objects; aging is even climbing stairs without steps. We will be strangers in our own homes. We will observe every detail with fear and unfamiliarity, with doubt and concern.
We will be architects, designers, frustrated engineers. How did we not foresee that our parents would get sick and need us?
We will regret the sofas, the statues, and the spiral staircase. We will regret all the obstacles and the carpet.
Happy is the child who becomes the parent of their parent before their death, and unfortunate is the child who only appears at the funeral and doesn't say goodbye a little each day.
My friend *Joseph Klein accompanied his father until his final moments.
In the hospital, the nurse was maneuvering to move him from the bed to the stretcher, trying to change the sheets when Joe shouted from his seat: Let me help you. He gathered his strength and, for the first time, took his father into his arms. He placed his father's face against his chest.
He cradled his father, consumed by cancer: small, wrinkled, fragile, trembling. He held him for a long time, the time equivalent to his childhood, the time equivalent to his adolescence, a long time, an endless time. By Your Side Nothing Hurts
Rocking his father back and forth. Caressing his father. Calming his father. And he said softly:
I'm here, I'm here, Dad! "What a father wants to he
More information about your mother's condition would be helpful. You all love your mother, but no one owes her anything. The facility is supposed to be taking care of her. If you have POA, you take care of your mother's medical and financial decisions on her behalf that should not take up 90% of your time. Your health and life take priority. Please ignore your siblings' demands and take care of yourself.
Patathome01
The LRH finds some grain, asks 'who will help me plant this grain?' --no answer from the other animals
LRH plants the grain, tends it, harvest it, mills the flour, makes the dough, bakes the bread--all with no help from the other animals.
BUT -- all of the other animals are there to 'help' eat that baked bread --after all the hard, sometimes messy, and often stressful work is done.
It sounds like you already know the answer, you are just having trouble implementing it without feeling guilt.
I don't know if you have time for meeting with a therapist, but that may help you identify and learn effective ways of managing your feelings of guilt or resentment.
You ask what, specifically, you can say to siblings. Start by saying "NO".
And don't rush to respond to their requests. It's ok to take your time and consider their request, and consider how you feel about it. Consider whether you agree, disagree, have the time and inclination to fulfill that request, or if this is something you are not willing to be a part of.
If you decide to go ahead and participate in their suggestion, do so without resentment. It was your choice, after all.
When you decline, politely say "No." You do not need a good explanation.
Your time and your feelings are valid as a reason to decline to do something you don't feel comfortable doing.
Remind your family that it is not necessarily your responsibility to take care of mom. You enjoy taking some time to make her life more comfortable, that doesn't make you the caretaker.
And finally, consider your out-of-town siblings. How far away are they? If it's too far for them to practically visit regularly, consider how frustrated they might feel to not be there. They know you are close, and they know you are spending time with your mom, so you are their only link to what's going on. You can keep them updated before they ask. And provide alternative suggestions when they ask you to do something you don't want to do. Is there a friend, neighbor, volunteer who might be called upon to help out?
no reply was a available to your post
Anyway, according to my dad, I was not to have any life other than work and caretaking. This mindset was to alleviate their own guilt for not doing a thing. Dad wanted to keep me in place by dumping the house, and his daughter in my lap not caring if I had the money or resources to keep things going. After that last blowout when he and his oldest daughter and granddaughter came over one evening all due to my oldest sister spewing lies, I knew that I was done with that entire situation. She did not make one doctor's appointment or came to help. Problem was is that she wanted the house. Dad was always bailing older sister and her daughter out financially until he got too old. She would come home and he would co-sign for her to get into apartments. She would stop paying the rent and get evicted. This went on for years. Back then housing was cheap, maybe a couple of hundred dollars. However, as the housing market increased, he got stuck one time having to pay her complete rent and ended up going to rent court because of her. By the grace of God, I had moved out of the house, and my younger sister had been safely placed in a brand new group home that had been built from the ground up. I made the arrangements to have her placed sometime before, and all he had to do to finalize the process was to show up at a scheduled meeting. Even after younger sister and I left home, he was still paying bills for older daughter and sending money to his oldest granddaughter years later.
Do not let these people eat up your time and energy. Let them visit the facility on their own accord. If they feel like something should be done, let them do it and make the arrangements themselves.
If they call you again with their ongoing requests, give them the number to whatever place they are requesting and let them call themselves.
I say this because I don't want to to beat your brains out searching for the perfect explanation.
"I CANNOT" should suffice. You'll unfortunately never have their complete understanding or appreciation, BUT YOU HAVE OURS! I think you've done more than enough!
I also felt that my sibling could be judgmental, on occasion. Like you, I truly did my very best. I also resented the underlying assumption that my time was expendable because I’m retired.
I did say the following things that (sometimes) worked depending on the situation:
’I can’t be running over to see Mom again. I just saw her at ___’.
’Would YOU be willing to (whatever it is that they’re asking you to do)?. I have other things that I really need to get to this week’.
‘I don’t think that you realize how much time this all takes. I haven’t had my lunch/dinner yet’.
I just read another response (below), which is excellent:
’That’s a great idea. Thanks for taking the lead on this.’ (they will disappear).
And so forth. In other words, create some handy responses that will fit your particular situation and have them ready when necessary.
It’s about setting limits with siblings who haven’t walked in your shoes.
I hope that this helps.
If your siblings bother you, block their phone and text messages. You retired from work, so your job, including caregiving, is ended. As suggested, seek professional help for yourself. Good luck!
ps: I love this response to family “’That’s a great idea. Thanks for taking the lead on this.’ (they will disappear).”….oh yes they will run!!!!
“Your concern is noted and I will follow up as I determine appropriate.”
“ Thank you, I will take your perspective into consideration.”
“ I will be unavailable the week of ( date). Which of you should I tell the nursing facility will be on first/ second call.”
These are things I will need assistance with next month. Please select which you each prefer to handle:
1) new slippers for mom
2) attend the care plan meeting ( by phone) with me on ( date).
3) …
I wish everyone’s family were like mine. We are so blessed. Between myself, my husband and my sister in law, we take turns bearing the load. If we see that one of us is overwhelmed, we immediately step it up do the other can take a break. I have to tell my sister in law often that she needs to stay home and take care of herself and her house and relax. She also feels guilty when she takes a break but my husband and I remind her she needs to take breaks- especially since she is mom’s legal guardian. She does ALOT and we are happy to take over for one another so we can be the best we can be. If anything, mom’s condition has made us closer- and we work like a well oiled machine. We realize how fortunate we are to have each other. And that is not usually happens when a parent declines in health. I just wish everyone could have what we have
Don't make excuses why you can't do anything, as they will just come up with reasons why you can. Don't get into a discussion about it, either.
Lastly, don't feel guilty about creating boundaries. This is your life, not just your mum's, and you have to live it.
Sidebar:
Caregiving is riddled with guilt. I have not found a way to not beat myself up when things happen to her or when things come up and I can't see her as often as I know I need to. I think it's just part of the process.
Im the primary caregiver for my mom and two disabled siblings (my mom and one of my disabled siblings recently passed away).
In recent years my 5 other brothers drove me nuts!!!
We would get on weekly conference calls (which they would never say if they couldnt attend or not). I would update them on the 90% of the caregiving that I am doing. They saw getting on the conference call and listening to me as their service for the family.
The critiquing and lack of appreciation drove me mad. Then when I spoke up or pushed back than I was the unreasonable one.
The biggest challenge was me wanting to investigate changing her code status at the hospital. My brothers would never except guidance from an expert (ie nurse) on what to do. They know everything. Brothers the absolute worst.
My solution was to keep my head down and keep doing most of the work, while not being apricated, almost never being thanked, and keep taking the critiques and criticism from those 1 or 2.
It changed our relationship forever. I lost a lot of respect for most of them.
It has taken me months before I can stop feeling like I should be somewhere else, doing something else, now that I no longer visit Mum and manage her care.
I hope that you are actively reclaiming your life and not feeling guilty about doing things for yourself.
Wishing you well.
As far as I am concerned, they are my mother's other children and I have nothing to do with them. My life is peaceful and happy again and my mother is well.