I have been caring for my parents now for over 4 or 5 years, dad had dementia and mom has Alzheimer's. I have read, watched videos, studied, follow everything there is about getting them to take a shower or change clothes...epic fail. I am trying so hard to be patient with them but I am burned out. Hard to get help because it is all out of pocket, and they will not help me because they can stand up and take a shower on their own IF I CAN GET THEM TO TAKE ONE! I am running out of every trick I know. Mom gets very angry. Help! What do I need to do now.....trust me I have exhausted all avenues this is my last hope! thank you
Sometimes there is no option but to place someone in Memory Care. The fact that you were trying to care for at least 3 people..Your Mom, Dad and YOU..this does not count any other family you have spouse, children, pets....
You can now be the best advocate for them. You can now care for them without having to worry if you can get them to shower, to brush their teeth, change their clothes, do the laundry....I don't need to go on do I?
Be there as a loving daughter/son. Visit and enjoy your time with them. Let someone else worry about the "other stuff"
I am sure if you could go back with them in time to when they were both well and asked them what they would want you to do in this very situation what would they have wanted you to do? I am sure they would not have wanted you stressed, and worried about all the things that you have been worried about for the last 5 years.
As I have said before and say to my friends...If you can put your head on your pillow at night and say honestly to yourself that you did the best you could given the circumstances then you can rest easy!
Rest easy..sleep well tonight.
When my LO was in a regular AL, they struggled with her resisting care, like baths, but, when she went to the MC, she didn't. For some reason, they just had the confidence and technique to manage it. Plus, I noticed they played music in the shower room. I could hear the staff singing in there. Maybe, it relaxed the residents. ??
You say you've read a lot about the condition and how to address the behavior. So, I take it that you have watched the Teepa Snow videos on You Tube about dementia care and behavior. IMO, that' helpful.
I'd likely discuss things with their doctor. I'd explore treatment, such as medication, if it's deemed advisable, due to anxiety, depression or agitation.
I would likely explore options for help. Have you consulted with an Elder Law attorney about your parent's situation? I would check out what services they may be entitled to both in-home or in a facility. If the funds are not available, how could they become available? More help would likely be needed as they progress and are not mobile.
I'd also keep in mind that eventually, the resistance to care may decrease, but, it may be met with more challenging situations like lack of mobility, wheelchair, or bedridden.
Before making big decisions, though, I'd get some respite time, so you can rest and recharge your batteries. I hope you can find some answers. I hope you'll get more suggestions here too.
As for my father who has dementia, he is in an ALF now. He will not let the aids there help him with showers. I have learned to lower my expectations on how often he does. I think he actually has forgotten how. But he doesn't smell. The nurse there said some people don't. He hasn't complained about any rashes. When he does I'll have a doctor prescribe a showering regime and get the aids involved. But for now I tell him the day before we go shopping and out for lunch that our special day is tomorrow. And I would like to go out with a fresh and clean daddy. I kindly remind him of the standards he held in the past. If he ever does smell when I come pick him up, I intend to get him set up in the bathroom and tell him I'll be waiting for him to come out nice and clean so we can go out to eat. And as frustrating as people with dementia can be, anger never works. It helps me to remember the fear, the insecurities, the feeling of losing control and issues like these are often behind the lack of cooperation. A little understanding goes a long way.
days. By the time I’m blow drying her hair, she’s commenting how wonderful she feels! I used to get drenched by sweat and or the shower but now I’m an expert, I have my routine down : )
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