My boyfriend often comments on the amount of time I spend with my parents. I see them a few times a week and I cook at their house and sleepover one night per week. My mother has dementia and stopped cooking. I come from a family of 6 and I have a lot of empathy for my father who now finds himself alone with his partner's mind withering away. Being there or providing a meal makes me happy and makes them happy. My siblings are self-involved and don't make many efforts to visit. They will have my parents over to dinner a couple times a month but there is no real effort in caring for them and the day to day.I have a boyfriend of two years whom I see three times a week roughly. He has never asked for more time together, and never asked to live together (he told me he wanted that last year, unprompted by me but it's like the conversation never happened) and that's fine. But today he researched some apartments for me as I mentioned I am looking for a new place. Upon doing that I thanked him despite feeling a little hurt as I thought by now we would be looking together, and his response was that he had to do it because he knows I wouldn't have since I spend so much time at my parents (also added an eyeroll emoji). I almost started crying. My time with them has absolutely no baring on our time together. He says he is just concerned that I do too much and don't put myself first, but do you think he ever thinks about me putting myself first when I burn out doing him favors? I found this all so very crushing. The snarky coldness of how he communicated it as well. He lives entire continents away from his family and is not close with them so perhaps this is where it's coming from. But how dare he? Watching my mother age and lose her memory has been one of the hardest things I've ever experienced in my life. I have always been so incredibly close with my mother and I still am. I love her more than anything in this world. Has anyone ever left someone who just didn't get it? This feels like a dealbreaker almost to me because as things get harder, and they will, who will I lean on? If the tables were turned, seeing a man love his family and care for them would make my heart swell, not cause contempt.
Two years is just about the time the real person emerges. You are not married. If you can do what you do for Mom and Dad and not burn out good for you. But can you nurture a relationship? Like Lea, I have a husband who, even before we married, would have been there for me. If 3 days a week is not enough for BF, then maybe he should find someone else. No more favors if you burnout doing them. He is a grown man who sees you want to help your parents. He should be doing favors for you.
I think you already know this relationship is not working. He wants more than you can give at this time. May be time to let him go.
Two years, as adults, is enough time to realize whether you are aligned on this. Bottom line, you aren't. That's not a criticism of either of you. A different boyfriend could be more understanding of your time with your parents, and might even want to spend time with them as well. A different girlfriend could want and be available to give him the time he needs in a relationship.
So yes, this is a dealbreaker. You simply don't have the same goals for a relationship as each other. Acknowledge and accept it, and both of you can move on. Of course it will be sad, but it will free you both to find partners who are better matches.
Also, please don't denigrate your siblings' commitment to your parents. Because they don't devote the same amount of time to your parents' care does not mean that they are self-involved or lacking in effort. Respect their choices on how they spend their time so you do not alienate yourself from them or your parents.
Not telling you what to do, but saying people don't change. If you got deeper involved, he'd just might feel he had more of a right to tell you what to do or not do.
I also wonder about this statement: “do you think he ever thinks about me putting myself first when I burn out doing him favors?”
For you this is about parent caring, for him about a relationship. Perhaps he chose an apartment that he liked himself, ready for the next better deal.
I seriously doubt I'd ever hook up with a man who was caring for his mom or dad, if the opportunity became viable, because having been down that road for over a decade was a living nightmare. This is soul crushing stuff and only the strongest couples survive.
And not HIM?
I would discontinue a relationship in which, after at least two years together, you are unable to communicate with your boyfriend.
This really isn't an elder care question.
This is not about elder care but about a bad relationship with a boyfriend who is non-communicative unless doing it with the gaslights ON. I think the guy is a jerk who belittles and bullies and has utterly no idea how to speak his mind with any truth.
Whatever you are doing with your parents, and it sounds normal and kind to ME, this boyfriend would be as big a jerk if you saw a girlfriend once a week.
Please don't bring a baby into this relationship, because it already HAS a baby, and a big one at that.
In his defense, he is probably frustrated at having to watch someone he cares about becoming increasingly stressed over a situation that will only become worse and take up more of her life. A healthy romantic relationship means you make each other a priority. Right now he probably feels like #2 to your family (based on info you've provided) with no end in sight. AND he may correctly understand that staying together with you may mean he also gets drawn into a caregiving role. He's not a bad person for not wanting this. Maybe when he has brought it up in the past, he also got the "How dare he" vibe and now he's tipped into frustration and bitterness. Again, this doesn't excuse P/A communcation style. I'm married to someone who is very P/A. I know it when I see it. Your man needs to learn how to be a communicator who can communicate his frustrations to you in an honest yet respectful and loving way. If you have 2 years invested into this relationship maybe consider couples counseling to help decide whether it is worth further investment.
I have to ask: where is your Dad in all of this? Are you his only solution? Does he care that you are burning out under the load of their care? You may see it as your loving duty (and no criticism from me if you do) but taking this on won't be enough to prevent you from being (eventually) crushed under the load.
You aren't married to your BF nor even engaged. Now is the time to assess the relationship and your involvement with your parents' care. There are many, many posts on this forum from BFs and GFs who had enough of orbiting around their SO's parents and never feeling like their couplehood is a priority or moving forward. They eventually walk away to find someone else.
I totally understand the quandary. Having your Dad participate in your Mom's care more (hiring in-home aids, learning how to do a little cooking, getting a housekeeper or companion for your Mom) doesn't mean you don't love your parents to pieces. There are also scads of posts on this forum from loving, well-meaning adult children who devoted themselves to caring for their parents only to wake up one day with no life.
I wish you clarity, wisdom and peace in your heart as you consider your situation.
And that's ok for now, but in reality you shouldn't drag any man along for the ride especially when you're not even married.
You have made your choice to spend more time with your parents and your boyfriend has made it more than clear that he wants nothing more than apparently a casual relationship with you(and an occasional booty call) with no commitment in sight.
After 2 years this man has let you know who he really is and for some reason you have chosen to be in denial...until perhaps now.
Yes you deserve better in a relationship, but since you've made your parents your priority right now, I would recommend staying man/relationship free until you can give 100% to a relationship, and where they can give 100% back, because right now it sounds like you're both only giving each other at best 40% which is unsustainable in any relationship.