My mother has been at a rehab facility after ankle surgery since March 30th. She had a severe fracture. After surgery, she was not allowed to put any weight for 6 weeks. She had PT for 2 weeks and facility was going to discharge her. My mother lied and said I lived with her. Long story short I was able to keep her there on custodial care. She lives alone and not able to take care of herself with bathing, toileting, cooking and walking due to balance issues from her cancer. My mother has been battling breast cancer for 5 years and in January her cancer spread to her brain with a few tumors along with a prognosis of 6 months to a year. She completed 2 week brain radiation in January then broke her ankle in March. She said she fell when she was going to the bathroom and her feet got caught in her robe but I don't believe that. So she is dealing with healing her ankle and dealing with her cancer at the facility. Just last week I noticed she was getting weaker and tired very quickly. She can't even sit up on edge of bed. She falls back on to the bed. She has follow up with orthopedic this week and I have a feeling after this appointment the facility will want to discharge her. However, based on her dealing health because of her cancer will I be able to keep her there or what other options are there for her. My mother wants to go back to her home but says she's scared on how she's going to do it. I told her she can stay with me but we would need to get some help so I am not physically able to care for. So worried for her. So exhausted. To make things worse my aunt went to visit a few days ago and made comment to me that the place I have mom at is ugly. I was taken back by that comment. Don't feel it's a comment that should have been made. The facility is old with outdated furniture but the cleanliness and quality of care they have given my mother there has been great. My mother also agrees. My aunt also made the comment that the facility should be for my mother's convenience and not my convenience since shes the one dying. She really made me feel bad and upset. Anyway, this is too much. Any advise?
Really? Please don't.
I don't know how much radiation your mom had but exhaustion is quite common. She also has been given a diagnosis that would get her Hospice evaluation now, and Palliative Care and Hospice are an option. Has that been discussed with her? I myself have breast cancer. I am 81. I am a retired RN and would not be doing chemo or radiation again; I have discussed all this with family and MDs and done all directives and any spread now would be immediate palliative care, moving then to Hospice. We all will die. I would prefer not to be tortured to death, myself, and as an RN I have seen it go that way. Some other prefer to fight to the end, and it's a personal decision, but one that should be discussed.
If your mother can still pay for or be covered in this facility I would wait it out, but I think going home now may mean going home with more care by far, or placement should be consider in good ALF.
I am sorry, but you have been told you are looking now at end of life. I would discuss openly with your mom next steps and options. I would tell aunt the nicest way possible to shut up. And if nice doesn't work I would lower the boom on her.
I tried talking to my mom yesterday about hospice and she is having a hard time accepting her diagnosis. Her follow up with orthopedic is in a few days and I have feeling that the facility may be ready to discharge her. It'd been so hard having these conversations with her. Part of her is in denial and part of her does recognize she can't take care of herself anymore and does feel that she will be dying soon. She's having more and more bad days than good.
It a shame that your aunt felt the need to share her feelings about your mom’s rehab facility with you.
Your mother is being cared for and that is what is most important. Your mom isn’t staying at a 5 star hotel, it’s a rehab facility.
I would tell your aunt to keep her opinion to herself because it isn’t helpful.
Are you sure that you want to have your mother stay with you?
As you know, your mom will require a lot of care. I am glad that you realize that you cannot take on this responsibility on your own.
I suggest that you start researching facilities and hospice providers, so that you won’t have to worry about which ones to choose later on if caring for her becomes too difficult.
You may want to consider being an advocate for your mom and oversee her care in a facility.
Wishing you peace as you continue on your caregiving journey.
My mother told me yesterday that my aunt called her and asked her if she liked the place she's at. My mom responded that everyone is so nice and are treating her well. My aunt then makes the same stupid comment to her that she thinks the place is ugly. I decided I won't be calling her anymore. I was considering her my support system but after her unwanted and negative comments she is not what I need as a support system. My aunt is taking care of my grandmother and also compared her care giving with my care giving with my mother. I told her you cannot compare a strong 92 year old woman that is still able to walk and take care of her bathing and toileting versus a woman who is weak and getting weaker, and not mobile and can't take of her hygiene! I'm done with my aunt! I decided I will only contact her when my mom's time comes.
Yes the more I think about it, staying with me may not be a good idea. I'm thinking she may want to die at home with family. I'm trying to have conversations with my mom so she can make decision on staying in facility. I brought up hospice and she didn't want to talk about that. I will continue to be her advocate at facility. I'm hoping they can keep her there.