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Mom has been in SNF for 4 years with multiple chronic conditions, including legal blindness. The first 2 years she was cooperative with staff and a favorite of many workers and residents. The last 2 years, she has deteriorated both physically and cognitively and is non-cooperative. In particular, she will go a month without a shower and weeks without allowing the staff to clean her room.


I am her advocate with POA and have spoken several times with the Directors of Nursing, Social Work, and Housekeeping, as well as attended quarterly Care Plan Meetings for Mom, but now they respond that they cannot make her do things due to her Patient Rights. This is a 5-star facility that is clean, organized, and offers many resident activities with a professional and competent staff. I feel upset and frustrated that even I cannot reason with Mom who just a few years ago kept a clean, beautiful house and was primo about her hygiene, dress, and makeup.


Any suggestions?

This sounds like dementia to a degree. I would have her evaluated. It seems like she needs to be treated as someone who is unable to make her own decisions. She must allow them to clean the room. They need to take her out of the room (maybe with your help?) to an activity, or maybe when she is at a doctor's appointment, and clean it. As for her hygiene, they need to keep her clean to keep her well. If she refuses, again, she may be in the wrong placement and should now be in memory care.
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Reply to ShirleyDot
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Truly I don't understand.
If they cannot, then who CAN?
And do they then allow rooms to remain in squalor?
I would like to know what remedies they suggest when you speak with the admin about this.

Do you believe that your mother is in an adequate level of care?
Do they consider her competent in her decisions? Because if not, as staff they are beholden to keep her cleansed, to check her skin, to make certain her room is hygienic.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Surely they must change her soiled diaper. That is the opportune time to give her a good washing while in the bed, then put her in clean clothes, into wheel chair and out the door so they can clean room and remove bedding wet from the bed bath. I agree that you do not ask. My 98 yr. old MIL cannot process questions or answers to those questions. You just have to tell her (kindly) what you are doing and do it. Sounds like they are taking the lazy way out of this job.
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Reply to RetiredBrain
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MiaMoor Mar 13, 2025
I think the problem is they're treating her as if she has competency, which it seems she may no longer have.
As long as they tell her what they are doing and they maintain her dignity, there is nothing wrong with cleaning a resistant patient with cognitive impairment.
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I have been down this road and have recently changed my mind on it, mentally separating my expectations from my loved one's needs and preferences. She doesn't change clothes often, and maintains a very neat little "hoard" of old menus, letters and cards, straws, sweetener packets, etc. I used to try to solve it , but now I ask myself: Does she smell bad? Is she dressed inappropriately for the weather? Do her little collections pose a health or safety risk? As long as the answer is no, I let it go. The facility keeps things within reasonable bounds, and I think some of these habits aren't just neglect but answer some emotional need.
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Reply to HollyIvytwo
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MiaMoor Mar 13, 2025
I agree to a certain extent. I certainly believe that washes instead of showers are good enough. The problem is that a lack of hygiene will cause health problems and, in the case of the room, attract pests.
There needs to be a sensible balance.
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The nursing home is correct in not forcing residents to do things against their will to a certain degree. Is there a time mom is out of her room where it could be cleaned without her there to know about it? Does she need an updated evaluation for the unreasonable behavior that wasn’t present before?
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Since she is in a SNF, you can contact the ombudsman to see what the state laws include about her personal care. One question I have is if her doctor can prescribe any medications to get past anxiety and resistance?
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Reply to MACinCT
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Care homes can encourage to participate in hygiene but must do so in a manner that respects their rights and circumstances. They shd help those who need help
if you have concerns it may be best to doesn’t to her doctor and then the management if the care home after you hear what your doctor
Says and if he/she feels it appropriate to offer advice
It’s a hard one as care homes are responsible for maintaining. Safe and hygienic environment but there is also the element of an individuals rights and dignity
speak to her doctor
my father went thru a stage of not wanting to wash
Boiled down to the pain it took and his fear of falling after a slip
plus a tad of laziness - very disturbing as he was always proud n kept clean. My sister adopted a no nonsense approach
and a set time - and instead of a shower we got a bowl with flannel and a little disinfectant n liquid soap and we helped him take. Clothes off turning fir him to wipe private parts
and we switched to pull on disposable pants
and it became routine
which showers at intervals
maybe your mother needs help
dressing and in dressing
We also bought clothes size bigger to allow ease of taking them on and off
its now a routine
maybe explore if your mother is in pain
and don’t forget to give her space for dignity for example
And
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Reply to Jenny10
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When my father was in SNF he began refusing. An older aide advised me that we should make special requests on his behalf.

In my father's case, they were putting him in the hoyer lift and transporting him down to the shower. He hated the hoyer lift because of the pain it caused due to longstanding back and knee issues. My sister told them not to use that. With help, he was able to transfer to a rolling shower chair and transported to the shower.

He rarely got a more than a few hours of sleep at night which was from as long as I could remember, possibly related to the demands from being in the Air Force. They were waking him at their convenience during the night to give him a shower. My sister told them not to wake him for showers.

Another family hired a specific aide after hours, that their mom was most comfortable, to give her showers at least once a week. When our father was in their AL section, he commented that he felt more comfortable with a specific aide because she did a better job but we were not able to afford that added cost when he moved to SNF.

By offering alternatives to the SNF routine, the situation improved. So by adding that her room should be cleaned only when she was being showered, attending PT or an activity may improve your Mom's situation. First see if she will share any insights to why she is refusing and maybe you can suggest alternatives to make her less agitated.
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Reply to KPWCSC
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I'm in same situation. My mom is non weight bearing since dec after fractured pelvis hip and shoulder. Shes in rehab and then nursing home. Refuses to get out of bed into wheelchair, refuses therapy except her arm in bed , refuses to brush teeth , refuses a shower. Hair hadn't been washed in 3 months . I too spoke to therapy and nursing director. She had a psychological consult. Has some dementia. They say they can't force her to do anything. I have seen what it takes. Don't ask her "do you want to turn over now? " just do it. She objects but does the task. I could bathe her but need them to get her into wheelchair with a lift. They sponge her bottom with diaper changes but nothing else. I'm contacting an attorney who specializes in elderly care to ask exactly what can be "forced " It's ridiculous. Shes now very smelly, skin sloughing off, and teeth are horrible.
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Reply to Kalamazootx1
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MiaMoor Mar 13, 2025
I'm glad you're getting advice. It sounds as if your mum's health is being significantly impacted by not being washed.
Smell is irrelevant, otherwise, but condition of skin and tooth decay are important.
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The management of this facility has taken the view that ‘patient rights’ to say NO are more important than the facility’s obligations about personal and room cleanliness. Ideas:
1) Definitely one for the Ombudsman. Yes, the ‘rights’ are not consistent with the ‘obligations’, and it’s a legal issue.
2) It applies to more than just your mother. Can you find out whether the same issues are coming up with other residents? It will make more sense for the Ombudsman to work on the bigger picture, not just one resident and one ‘difficult’ family. You might even find another family willing to take on the battle – which is potentially quite a lot of work.
3) Can you get facts about your M’s mental conflict now with normal (and her own previous) decision making? Can you show that this is about her need for care and her deteriorating mental health, not just a case of her disagreeing and exercising rational ‘rights’.
4) My guess would be that this has been argued at length in the nursing profession, the last time that the rules were written down. The largest public hospital and the nurses college could perhaps give you references to the arguments, and that would be useful for your reference to the Ombudsman.
5) Can you make an estimate of how much the facility ‘saves’ by not using staff to provide the personal and room cleaning? A decision that saves them money is more questionable that just a disagreement about the actual responsibilities.
6) Take it your local legislature, if the facility won’t listen to the Ombudsman. Be ready with a compromise. If the facility is likely to get some bad press if the issue goes public, they may be more willing to back off.
7) Interesting that the patient has the right to say "less" service but not the right to say "more".

A real PIA and potentially a lot of work for you, when all you are looking for is good care!
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Reply to MargaretMcKen
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Igloocar Mar 16, 2025
Margaret, it may not be that complicated. The first step would be to learn if the SF has the same policies regardless of whether the resident is competent or incompetent to handle her own affairs. In the same way that one or two cognitive evaluations are often needed to put a POA into action, a cognitive evaluation may help determine where a person's right to self-determination ends and where the facility's responsibility to maintain the safety and health of a resident becomes more important. It may be that the SNF has procedures for making these decisions. It sounds as if the resident's preferences are being treated as the rights of the competent individual she was when she entered the SNF without evaluating whether her competence has diminished. I may be wrong on this point, but the situation seems to cry for evaluation of the competence of the O.P.'s mother.
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