Concern over comment made by father-in-law about children. Any thoughts?
My father-in-law has always been a player even before the term was coined. He always had several girlfriends when he was young, kept a couple of girlfriends in Germany during WWII and has always had women in his life. Even in his 70's, he had two women fighting over him and one was calling our house, asking about his schedule, etc. He had given her our phone number, because he changed his own and didn't want her to have it. Outside of my husband, we know of one child from a previous marriage he gave up custody of after a divorce citing physical and mental abuse. We suspect a possible child over in Germany and not certain if there are others from his hometown. We know he took one girlfriend for an abortion (before they were legal). He has commented to my husband on several occassions that he has slept with hundreds of women.
Several years ago, his girlfriend had remarked before she passed that she had to tell him to quit offering candy to children he essentially didn't know because people could get the wrong ideal. I never thought much more about it but it stayed in the back of my mind.
A few years later, I became pregnant and a couple of years passed. I had photos made of my little girl in her Halloween costume which was a ladybug outfit. I gave one to him because well, it was grandpa. She was 2 at the time and he looks at it and says, "well, she looks like a damn 18 year old in that." I was so mortified at the comment, I went out and bought her a new outfit for Halloween because it worried me someone would see her that way.
He also made a comment a couple of years later when I fixed her hair differently that, "she sure is looking older." She would have been around 4 at the time.
I have never left her alone with him (she is never left with anyone besides my mother -- ever).
Fast forward to today. He is homebound and has visiting nurses come in, cleaning ladies and soon Hospice is scheduled to come in. We were told that he is going to get a hospital bed and my husband was going to take the bed down in his room today. My father-in-law became very adament and somewhat agitated that if his hospital bed is put in his room, he wouldn't be able to look out the door in his living room. He explained that he sleeps alot in his chair (special recliner) and that he enjoys being able to see out.
He then futher explained that he likes to look out "at the little black girls that play in their front yard." Well needless to say, my husband is just standing there and then my father in law says, "yeah, I asked their parents a while back if I could give them some money just for them to play outside and they said yes. Sometimes I would take an envelope, put money in it and then put it on the porch steps. I would then yell at them across the street that I had some money for them on the steps. I would go back in the house and then watch them come and get it and take it to their parents."
Now, can someone on here PLEASE explain this behavior to me? I had a family member tell me today that he is just someone who enjoys doing stuff for kids (used to take bikes to underpriviledged kids in his rural hometown) and that by being elderly he is probably enjoying watching kids play and remembing his own youth.
I have never seen anything like child porn in his home, my husband has never mentioned anything about him inappropriately touching any of his friends growing up or anything like that but to me, this is concerning.
Perhaps I am just being paranoid or letting my imagination go where it should not. Any thoughts or insights would be appreciated.
He has never been formally diagnosed with dementia or Alzheimer's.
The way his mind is now, is the way my husband said it has always been (husband is almost 50). He said he remembers his dad could never remember certain words, would do irritional things (e.g. try to haul a phone poll home on
the top of his car for a bird house poll for example).
Before he married the last time and had my husband, he had restraining orders, was in court for fights, and while in the military, they had him locked up in 2 mental institutions. I would love to say he is just a forgetful grouchy old man, but if that is the case then it started 60 years ago. :(
There was supposed to be a social worker show at his house but she didn't show up.
Hospice is coming in, but to be honest -- I feel it is too soon.
One reason I would love to know what he is capable of is that his daughter from his first marriage has located him and has nicely emailed us. During the time he gave up custody, he had restraining orders against him. We went to our local court house to request an open records search as to why. The one document we gave cannot be pulled. The excuse we were given was that it is possible they cannot pull them up because records are sealed.
I personally don't care if he was on life support and had one day left -- if I found out he had touched a child he could spend his last day in jail as far as I'm concerned.
I'm in the same boat as many of you. Harmful? Unknown. Creepy yes.
But, if you could prove to yourself beyond a doubt that his interests in young girls is totally inappropriate, what would that accomplish at this point, when he is dying? Would you have him arrested? Would you stop any further care of him? I assume you also con't condone his many affairs and possible children strewn about. But then, sexual child abuse is in an entirely different category, I know.
I am having a real hard time putting myself in your place. Not that I mean nothing that potentially sordid could possibly happen in my pristine family, but just that I can't work out in my own head or heart what I would do. I think if the timing were different -- if I were encountering this while this man was still out and about and might pose a threat to children, I would have a much clearer idea of my duty. But in your situation? I just don't know how hard I would try to find out the "truth."
And, of course, you don't know that he has ever harmed a child. Creepy, yes. Harmful, unknown. Do pedophiles typically also have such a strong interest in adult women? I sure as heck don't know.
My grandmother did not care for television, but she did sit by her 7th floor high-rise window and watch the street scenes below. When I visited once she explained to me what she was watching. There was a bar across the street. She said -- see that woman with the dark braids? She is down there 4 or 5 times a week, usually drunk. Mostly she is with the same man, but he's not down there now. Once in a while she is with a very dark haired man, but he might be a brother or something. He seems to show up, go in there, and come out with her. And she went on and on about the regular patrons. (If anything sinister happened there the police should certainly have interviewed her, LoL.) If there had been a school across the street she probably would have taken a lively interest in that, and told me all about which children got picked on and who the bullies were, etc. My point is just that "people watching" seems pretty harmless to me and MAY explain your FIL's activities. Hard to know, and hard to know how much effort you should expend at this point trying to pin it down for sure.
This isn't something that was covered in the Family Living high school courses, was it? Sigh.
My fil has always been a big flirt. At the same time he makes a lot sexual remarks I don't appreciate. IMO he has crossed boundaries with me more than once with his remarks. When I first married my husband, I thought his remarks were funny, but I was only 19 years old. As I matured, I became tired of that being the only thing he could talk to me about. My father never talked like that so it was a something I was not use it. I could not help but think of Ephesians 5:4 regarding coarse talking since he says he is a Christian. Now I have gone off the topic...sorry. Good luck with this and keep us posted!!
Chicago1954, we do not know them and have never talked to the family. If my father-in-law sees us talking to them he will want to know why and have a pure fit.
We do know there was someone living down the street that would come by and watch a game with him on t.v. and he gave the family some groceries (he considers anything to be left over that is more than a few hours old and sometimes throws a lot of food out). He later said he gave that child about $100 in change.