Hello. I am currently at a breaking point with my living situation. I’m a full time student, as well as a part time employee. My sibling also has a full time job and already graduated college. We both live with our parents, but it has become nearly impossible to live with them now.
Since I was a child, my father was emotionally abusive towards my mother, but she always tolerated it, forgiving him and keeping him in the home. After my grandmother passed, my mom fell into a deep depression that my father was extremely insensitive about and basically told her to “get over it.” That was the last straw for her and she kicked him out.
Every day I would receive phone calls from him boasting about how he was doing well and talking to other women WHICH IS COMPLETELY NOT MY BUSINESS. Come to find out, he was sleeping in his car (he’s retired and his SS check is the bare minimum $850). I obviously felt extremely bad for him because he’s in his late 70s and has absolutely NO ONE to care for him. Begged my mom to let him come back to our apartment and have him sleep in the living room, since we didn’t have space.
The problem is, my father acts like all is forgiven and speaks to my mom as if he was never abusive in their marriage. This obviously irritates my mom, so they fight a lot. I’ve had several conversations with him to please give her space and keep himself busy with other things. I have no other living option for him.
My mom got into a lot of debt after my grandmother's funeral and she can’t afford her own place. My dad is retired and I fear if he lives in senior housing, his quality of life will go downhill. He has no hobbies and 5 other kids from a previous marriage, none of which tolerate him.
My sibling and I try to find activities to do with him once a week like going fishing or to a sports game. Additionally, we split the responsibility of taking him to his doctor appointments (he’s hard of hearing), even though we rarely have time to take ourselves for a check-up. Activities at the community center are not an option for him, because he claims they’re “boring” (he’s never had patience).
My sibling and I don’t see an option for us to move yet because we keep thinking, where will they live?! I’m in law school, but my mental health has deteriorated so immensely that I am losing hair and I’m only in my mid-twenties.
Does anyone have any suggestions on what to do to keep my sanity?
His living situation is not your concern or your responsibility. Look at how your bidding to get him back into your house has turned out.
Your parents are fully formed adults and their choices are theirs to make.
Please see if your school offers free counseling, You need some boundaries.
Seek ongoing counseling. Read Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. You need to stay out of their relationship. You would all have been better off had he stayed out of the house and not come back.
Regardless of your father's upbringing he is a grown man responsible for himself. He has had the opportunity to grow/change and hasn't. That doesn't make you his babysitter. You are hooked on fixing things so start rescuing yourself from this dysfunctional way of living and get your head on straight so you make better choices in life going forward.
theres a lot more to the story I haven’t mentioned. my sister and I have felt responsibility over him because of how my mother & maternal grandmother raised us to empathize and disregard his behavior, claiming that my sis and I are the only ones he has and we can’t abandon him. we had to empathize because he had an awful childhood (alcoholic mother and physically abusive father). I acknowledge that his difficult childhood does not excuse his behavior. It’s just the GUILT that makes it difficult to let go. I agree that I need to seek therapy. I love my mother, and she knows that it’s not easy to let him go, but for our own sake it’s just something we will have to do.
What about the 3 other women in the apt? What about your Mom's quality of life? Why on earth did you convince her to let you bring this deadbeat looser into your happy setup?
Get him out of there and cut him off. Stop trying to entertain him with activities. He has a terrible attitude, as if he's too good to go to a Senior center? Nobody needs to take him to Dr. appts. for being hard of hearing. He can drive himself. I can bet he doesn't contribute financially to the household either.
Stop kissing up to such a toxic, deadbeat abuser. You have impacted your own (and 2 others) stability and happiness bringing him into the mix.
His "quality of life" is not your problem. Report Dad to APS, they will help him get a place and he can mooch off the county. Otherwise you and sister will have to get out and put Mom in a worse bind. All 3 of you need to have a united front against him and get him out. Tell him the Landlord found out he moved in, and said he has to go, it's too crowded in the unit.
Or be big girls and tell Dad he needs to go by X date. It isn't working out for the 3 of you, and he needs to go, period.
Your family is not going to change. Nor will you change so long as you stay with them. Currently your becoming an attorney may need to be put on hold while you find a way to move out and into school housing, shared housing, or some other dynamic to support yourself in living.
I would suggest therapy. Your situation was a lifetime in the making, and no Forum of strangers can do much for you but to tell you that we are very sorry. I often teasingly tell people that the best place for a grown child is 1,000 miles from their parents. And in your case, I truly mean this.
I wish you the best. Law school in the very BEST of circumstances is grueling and difficult. But you CAN accomplish this. It took me a long time to work from CNA to RN, and I didn't make it until my early 40s, so busy was I dealing with divorce and supporting a household, raising a child. Delays happen as life happens. But right now the answer is to literally save your life. Then on you go.
By the way, no online therapy. It's trash. You need a REAL LIVE COGNITIVE therapist to set you on a new life course so you can accomplish your goals.
Um, what makes you think this? It is not always the case. And he sounds like a miserable, ungrateful, mooching individual. His quality of life will go downhill no matter where he is because of his toxic attitude.
I don’t understand why his care is so important to you and by default your mom. He’s running the show here.
Think long and hard WHY you think you must ruin you and your mom’s life. Mom doesn’t deserve to be around him. Haven’t you both suffered enough?
There’s a lesson in there. Stop trying to run other people’s lives for them, and get on with your own. You say “my sibling and I don’t see an option for us to move yet because we keep thinking, where will they live?!?" Let them work out how to put their own lives first, while you manage yours! At least their mistakes will be their own.
Get your own place. This is a dysfunctional sink hole and is swallowing you. Advise both parents to get on a senior subsidized housing list and then RUN like your life depends on it (because it does).
Check into whether you can get some financial aid to enable you to move out -- but only if it's actual aid, not loans which you will cause you additional stress down the road. If you and your sibling can afford to pool your resources and get a place together now, DO IT! Your parents can apply for assistance. You could contact APS and ask for a check on your parents if necessary.
At home, just tune out their discord. They are who they are. They may be addicted to the squabbling. It's not on you to find them housing or keep them entertained. You and your sibling need to focus on getting yourselves launched into your independent adult lives. Let us know how it goes.
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