What do you do when you have a mother in law whom you live with, has Alzheimer's, dementia with psych issues has cancer. My husband and I live with her 24/7 we see her decline rapidly daily. Other family offers no support and refuses to help or place her in nursing home. They see her maybe one hour a week tops they see her declining but will do nothing to helpCaregiver support when nursing home is NOT an option., they don't have to be here but we do. What can I do? It has already put my husband in the hospital from stress. he has a bad heart and I am afraid this will kill him. he gets angry saying he will not abandon her but admits this may kill him HELP !!
The woman can't get along with her own shadow so we can't really have "company" she offends them too much. I do understand her Alzheimer's to a degree, I have had a stroke and I knew what was happening in my brain but it didn't come out my mouth right. With her it's back wards her mouth moves before her brain catches up !!
I wonder about pooling resources with another family,
in a similar situation.
I would love to share a home with someone who understands,
and can provide a sounding board, and maybe make this easier on both care givers.
I wish there was a service that could help.
Google Elder Affairs Florida US. You'll see a site that describes the fianancial assistance for the disabled and dementia patients in Assisted Living in Florida. If she is in a different state, you can check there as well.
I suppose that her care and placement is certainly the decision of the POA, but I do think I would consider if she were in the right facility, she might be able to settle down and find some contentment.
Some of that can be treated with proper medication. I've never read that Xanax long term is very effective. Others may have a different opinion. Also, perhaps she needs a different antidepressant or even a daily anti-anxiety. Cymbalta made a huge difference with my cousin. It doesn't seem to cause any drowsiness. In fact she seems more alert and content when taking it. It treats both. I would certainly attempt to discuss a medication adjustment if she seems overly anxious or in distress.
Some of the behavior you describe sounds like behavior that is characteristic of a dementia patient. I don't know that there is any way to deal with that except to supervise her constantly, limit her access to anything that could harm her and try to redirect her when necessary. That is a huge job for family members in the home, even if you are a young person, but, it's the sort of thing that the Memory Care staff do all the time.
I'm feel fortunate that I was able to place my loved one in Memory Care so that she is protected and understood. They don't think she's odd because of what she does, they realize that's how dementia manifests itself.
They protect the residents by not allowing them to have tooth paste, mouthwash, lotions, scissors, nail clippers, etc. in their rooms. A dementia patient my ingest nonfood items. They basically toddler proof the unit. A meeting with team at the facility can work together on a PLAN to address the resident's needs and help them find more contentment.
I do wish you luck.
What is in her best interest? Someone who is exhausted from working 3-full shifts 168 hours a week, or being in a place where the caregivers work 8 to 12 hour shifts, then go home for a good nice sleep to be refreshed in the morning. And this isn't their first rodeo, they have been around patients with Alzheimer's and are familiar with all the different stages.
What would happen if your hubby had another heart issue and never came home? Then he would be abandoning not only his mother but also you. That doesn't sound very fair, does it. But I can understand him not wanting to upset his mother.
When it comes to the hospital, I deal with her meds so I'm the one that gets to call nursing station ect.
She has no assests other than her SS. We cover all bills, her back taxes ect... In a perfect world we would have help from her son that lives 1 block away or one of her 2 daughters that are within 20 minutes of us... Nope they wont even visit her rarely return her calls.
I would not entertain those phone calls. If she's in the hospital, there might be a need for her son to check with the nursing station once a day. Don't answer her calls. Let them go to voice mail.
YOU do not afford the NH. MILs assets or entitlements ( medicaid) pays for that. Not you.
For long term care, Medicaid is what covers, if your parent doesn't have the means to pay with private funds. Please read the information here on the Elder Care tab, "paying for care".
Also, if her SS places her slightly out of the eligibility for Medicaid, consult with an elder care attorney about what is called a Miller trust in some states. It's a pooled asset trust that is NOT a DIY project.
My Mother's sole income is $800 a month. That's it. No assets. How on earth can she afford a nursing home? She pays a little more than $700 a month to NH and Medicaid pays the rest.
If your MIL has income and assets she should be using them for her own care. If she is broke (like my mom) she can apply for Medicaid.
"Can't afford it" is very seldom a legitimate reason not to get the care our elders need and deserve.
It may be true that you have rejected the option of NH care for your loved one, worried13, but that is different than saying it isn't an option for financial reasons. Your reasons may be very valid. You may be making the best decision under the circumstances. Just acknowledge that it is a decision -- it isn't a case of not having other options.
Providing around the clock care for a person with her conditions is extremely difficult for just two people who are already exhausted and pushed to the limit. The stress is unbearable and long term and it will take a toll. I learned first hand. I learned that the best thing I could do was to place my loved one in a safe place where she could receive around the clock care. Realizing your limitations is not a bad thing.
If the other family members only offer limited support, maybe that's all they can offer. I know that I am not able to pull on a patient in bed, lift them up or spend an entire day cleaning. Some people are not equipped to handle that long term. I have a home and a full time business that I run. My love can be shown by arranging for her care. If they refuse to agree to that, then turn her care over to them, give them a deadline and place her in their custody.
Who is in charge now? Who has her Durable POA and Healthcare POA? That person should make the decisions. Is that your husband? I might suggest that he read a lot of material about people with his mother's conditions so he might understand more options and realize that he isn't letting her down by getting help for her care. Is Hospice involved? They can be a great help, if she has reached that stage.
There are facilities that offer respite care. Find a facility in your area that offers respite for a few days. Your MIL stays there while you and your husband get a break. Then you bring her back home again.
He should NOT abandon his mother. Absolutely not! Placing a loved one where they can get good care from three shifts of skilled people is not abandonment. Or it certainly doesn't have to be. Let others do the hands-on care while you visit often and provide emotional support. Be her advocate.
Dementia, Psych Issues, and Cancer? Good grief! I think this dear woman deserves 3 shifts of rested and trained care people, don't you?