Caring for incontinent relative making me smell at work despite best hygenic efforts. Job in jeopardy. Any advice?

Please note: this post is over a year old.

PoetStorm seems to have left the site after posting this question. Since it received the better part of a hundred replies - many not so nice if I recall - I can't see any point in resurrecting it now.

I am wondering how many caretakers put up with the horrors of mental and physical issues and how they do it? You must all be angels and saints - or are you the ones who are insane to allow the "ill" people to do the things they do and allow them to live with you? I know love enters the equation. But these people are NOT who they once were. They will continue to do things that are disgusting and unacceptable - you cannot stop them. If you have any feeling of "self" and pride, you won't put up with this behavior. And you will realize they are better cared for by people trained to handle their behaviors. Don't let them destroy you. I know money is often a big issue but you must find a way before it it too late. Will someone please explain to me why and how caretakers put up with such horrible, disgusting behaviors of these elderly people without going off the deep end? I simply do NOT understand this.

Wow, this is a rough situation. First of all, I would wash all of your clothes totally separate from hers and keep it totally away from anything she wears or has used. Also, take a long shower just before you dress and get ready for work and have clean shoes with you. One other thought - have you had a personal medical checkup if something is happening to you from a medical standpoint. Might not be a bad idea. And, you may have to face the fact that she CANNOT live in your home. You will never be able to be clean and have a clean home with anyone who does what she is doing. If that bothers you, and it should, then you must put her somewhere. To do what she does cannot continue and cannot be accepted under any circumstances. Good luck.

Susan could you get a folding commode and pop it into a bedroom perhaps for Mum then she can do her business in peace and quiet with enough room for everyone to move. They are under $40 from amazon just look up Drive Medical Folding Steel Bedside Commode, Grey

Susan: Elderly parents will always say "no, I don't have to go." Remember, they've now turned into a child. It is up to you to say "well, let's just try anyway."

Thanks, GA - but Mom is so looking forward to coming home for the day, I can't take that away from her, regardless of the issues. It's more important to me that she get to come home for a little bit and get out of the NH for a bit. The time will come soon enough where I won't be able to bring her home anymore.

Just discovered a leaky pipe in the basement, which had gone unnoticed and now has soaked the ceiling and floor. Lovely.

Susan, perhaps an alternative is to rent a room at the NH and have the family get-together there. You'd still have the advantage of staff for assistance, your mother wouldn't have to go out, possibly in inclement weather, and you could just bring your own food in although you might have to make arrangements with the NH staff to reheat it, or bring it in warming dishes.

Vinegar is a wonder. I used to live in the country, where we had our own well for water, and it was probably about the hardest water I'd ever dealt with - ever. (High mineral content, left white scale on *everything* it touched, killed coffeemakers and other appliances.) I learned that if I put a few "glugs" of vinegar into the bottom of the dishwasher during the rinse cycle, my dishes would come out sparkling clean - no white film or residue. Awesome stuff. Had to use it at least once a month on our shower heads or we'd have no water at all in the shower.

Llama - I love bringing mom home for the holidays from the NH, but I dread the inevitable incontinence accidents (both urine and BM) that are going to happen. For Thanksgiving, in addition to cooking the meal, cleaning up, hosting family members, etc, I had to clean up a major BM accident because I kept asking Mom if she needed to go, and she kept saying no - until it was too late, and by the time she got to the bathroom, it was everywhere - inside her pants, her brief, down her leg, on the floor, on the toilet....not happening at Christmas. I'm going to be sure she goes several times, whether she likes it or not.

The sad thing is, I know at some point, the visits home are going to have to stop, because our bathroom is *not* handicap accessible by any means. I've seen closets that are larger than our bathroom. You literally have to turn your body sideways to walk between the toilet & sink to get to the tub - that's how small it is. So for Mom to get in there with her walker and onto the toilet is a major undertaking and huge risk for a fall. At some point, she will no longer be able to come home because she won't be able to get into the bathroom.

Susan: I can relate to the jig dancing; I did the same d*mn thing!

Susan: OMG! How disgusting!

Jude: Phew, you're lucky there!

78 answers, poetstorm, how is the solution to your issues going?
Sincerely hope you did not take offence and leave us. These threads have a way of taking on a life of their own after awhile, then have little to do with your original post. I reread some, and must agree, the shoes may be the problem taking it to work. Good luck.

By the gallon, w a l m a r t , everywhere, on the bottom shelf, white vinegar-rinsing my dishes, 1/4-1/2 cup. Those are clean dishes! Boil the water to add to keep it hot.

I buy it by the gallon. At discount stores a little more than $2 their brand. Can use in laundry. I put it in the softener dispenser. Soak shower heads gets rid of hard water. Kills germs.

Joann29 I am so mad I didn't discover the benefits of vinegar earlier. Over here we associate vinegar primarily with fish and chips (french fries to you).

If you google farmers household almanac uses for vinegar there are loads of tips in there. All I need now is for someone to tell me where I can get the damned stuff relatively cheaply .....I wonder if they sell it by the tanker load!

TG Mom has her own bathroom. We had an incident a few months back. Took me 3hrs to clean up. Couldn't get rid of the smell. Friend suggested a bowl of vinegar in the bathroom. Within an hour I saw a difference. Left it there for two days.

I can completely identify with that, Llama - before mom went to the NH, I had the same situation here. Because she's a large, heavy woman, she was unable to simply get up off the toilet when finished - she dragged herself off of it. And because of the dementia she was experiencing, she wouldn't wipe herself most times and wouldn't let me do it, either - so combine that with dragging herself off the toilet, and there was a mess there every single time I went into the bathroom. I had to clean up after her every time. But I had to sleep at some point, so when I got up with a full bladder in the morning, I'd be dancing a jig as I cleaned the toilet seat, front of the toilet and floor around the toilet before I could even sit down to go myself. Not fun.

There should be a research grant for someone to study how many caregivers become incontinent themselves because they have to hold their urine so long while cleaning up the bathroom after their incontinent loved one so that they can go themselves!!

Llama she uses a commode so I guess I am lucky in that respect

Gosh Terry It didn't even cross my mind that people would not be using gloves and aprons - well spotted. I tend to wear a head cover (purely to keep my hair out of my face (penalties of growing it out) so I tend not to have the smell in my hair but I know from smoking days that smells penetrate the whole damned house really quickly.

One thing I didn't consider is that if you have pets, they too contribute seriously to the malodour. not that pets of themselves are necessarily smelly but if the grooming isn't kept up then that too could be a source of the problem

OhJude: So true-my mother was waiting too long to get to the frickin' toilet. Despite the fact that I had a full bladder upon arising, I first had to wipe down the toilet!

All of these ideas are great and it seems they are from experience. The only thing I could add is go to a medical supply store and stock up on non-latex rubber gloves, aprons that a doctor would wear in surgery that tie in the back at the neck and waist and face mask plus the hair cap. Every time you must enter her room to clean her, put these on and discard them (they're made out of paper and are disposable) upon leaving. I worked at a CNA in a hospital longer than I really wanted to and with the patients that had a urine or stool problem that I could cause me to become sick, I was required to wear all of the above before I entered the room. At least wear them while she is on antibiotics to get rid of the UTI or whatever is causing the stench. I agree also that the carpet needs to be replaced with either ceramic tile or roll-out linoleum so it could be mopped and bleached or use vinegar to cut the smell. When you have an elder in your house, unfortunately, you may have to make some changes to the way you live. If I had the choice to make all over again, I think I would opt for the assisted living facility for your mother since you work every day and hire a cleaning company to come out and thoroughly clean the whole complete house until you get the smell out even if you have to go to a motel for a few days in order to get it done. You can't lose your job over the smell so ask your boss to bear with you until you accomplish this and get it done quickly. You can also put vinegar in your bath water along with baking soda to cut the odor and use all sorts of creams, soaps, lotions, etc. that are either unscented or use vanilla. Something has to be done quickly or you will be out of a job and you won't be able to afford the AL for your mother. Wash her clothes separately or even take hers to a commercial washer. Running a bleach wash with soap after all the clothing is done for the week will also help cut the odors. Good luck, you have a lot of work ahead of you.

The trouble with urine is that incontinent people drip before they sit down so very often the urine gets into fabric and then it is really hard to get rid off so we have plastic down to protect the carpet - accidents still happen though.

White vinegar ladies (and gents) white vinegar works better than anything else I have found use it every time you clean and if you loathe the smell of it add a couple of drops of essential oil to the hot water and vinegar.

My personal preference is to use hot water, about a teaspoon of laundry liquid three tablespoons of white vinegar (I have been known to use more) and then I usually add about 3 drops of essential oil - more on a bad day - my faves are tea tree oil, lavender, ylang ylang (but this can cause headaches in some people) and geranium - the latter smells most fragrant tea tree has antiseptic properties lavender helps relaxation so it rather depends on my mood too!

I have mentioned this before but when I clean the commode I use the following procedure and I do find it keeps odour to the absolute minimum - I empty it, clean any soil off it (obviously) then I wash it it soapy water with the obligatory vinegar, I rinse with boiling water straight out of the kettle, then I lay a fresh piece of toilet paper in the bottom of the commode and pour on something like zoflora (I often use the toiler cleanser I use to clean the toilet bowl because that has a nice fragrance - but never mix the two - always one or the other)

Do I go through a lot of zoflora? Oh hell yes but the room doesn't smell at all.

I dont wash Mums clothes with mine I always wash mine first then the towels/linen then hers then a dilute bleach empty wash again with vinegar to clean the washing machine of odour. If not I find ANYTHING I subsequently wash has that very nasty after smell which is gross.

Maybe not the greatest tips in the world but they work for me

And the smell does seem to stay with you, Jeanne!

123Jeanne: Wow, what a stench! My mother was the same way. I no longer could escort her into the bathroom because the horrible STENCH JUST ABOUT MADE ME PASS OUT OR PUCK!

My mother recently came to live with me. After about 2 weeks , there was a terrible odor and the smell just stayed in my nose. I felt the smell was in my clothes just because I walked in her room. It turned out, she had a severe urine infection. She was started on antibiotics and the smell has gone away for now. She is incontinent of urine and doesn't have good hygiene habits. Can you get your mother in law checked for a uritnary tract infection.

Good heavens...going on since age 40? GET HER DOC TO GIVE HER AN RX FOR THE MED "VESICARE." I PUT THIS IN CAPS BC OF ITS IMPORTANCE.

Seal your clothing in a locked closet. Purchase some Yankee Candle room sprays that come in small containers. I'm not talking about the stuff you buy at the grocery store. The Yankee Candle come in maybe 40 different scents and erase stink immediately! Go for the pumpkin or salted carmel. They are on sale right now.

I think you have some great answers here and being honest I haven't read them all but some suggestions and notes that might help

Urine stinks - its pervasive and you cannot get it out of the carpets so they have to go BUT if it has pervaded into the floorboards that will not solve the problem at all so you need to throw the carpet and the underlay into the dumpster and then set to on the floorboards. Bicarbonate of soda and vinegar seems to work best - but you're going to need a lot because you have to sprinkle the bicarb all over every floorboard and then spray or pour vinegar over it - that will make it fizz and then comes the ghastly work you have to scrub each floorboard and you have to repeat it until you have clean boards. Then you have to let it dry and leave the windows open to let it air. You CANNOT do this with your Mum in the house so she needs to go to a relative or into care while you clean through.

Once you have cleaned and scrubbed and reclined and rescrubbed the floorboards and are confident they don't smell any more then the best flooring is linoleum because it doesn't 'hold' water or other less pleasant liquids but you have to clean through every single day.

Your Mum has to wear incontinence pads/pants - the larger ones hold a full bladder of urine...how do I know? I tried them and they don't soak through. I have a plastic square I use under the commodes (you mentioned pee pots? I am not sure whether you mean a commode but you must ensure she has a commode rather than a pee pot which in the UK is something she would need to squat over and would inevitably wet surrounds when using.)

As for cleaning a washing machine I run a bleach clean through every now and again especially if I have been washing soiled linen

If her clothes are made of manmade fibres they hold the odour so cotton is far better PLUS you can put it on a really hot wash failing that again use bicarbonate of soda and vinegar in the wash and that will help destroy smells.

If you can get to a point where the house and your apartment is clean and tidy (hire a dumpster and trash everything that you cannot get the odour out of) then you have a base pointBUT you and your husband (especially your husband) simply HAVE to get into a neat and tidy and clean routine...without it you will increase your stress levels no end and it really does mean turn the TV off turn your phones off turn the internet off for 2 hours every day and start cleaning and tidying and sorting - yes it is tiring yes it s utterly miserable but the end result is fabulous.

As for your Mums papers get a pretty box or cover a cardboard one with some wrapping paper and make that her papers box. Take the time to file them in some sort of order so she (and you) can find things easily.

We have a commode in Mums lounge - not ideal but it is what it is - No-one even knows we have one because a) it look like a chair and b) I clean it after every use - now if you are at work thats not easily done but a trick I learned was from the nurses who said when you clean the pot put a sheet of toilet tissue in the bottom and then pour a little sweet smelling disinfectant on top (I use zoflora diluted) - for us it works brilliantly not only does it masks urine smells that emanate from the pot but also means that it is cleaned and sanitised more easily.

Lots of work ahead Im afraid but there is no other answer - its that or lose your job me dear.

I would get hold of a social worker, put your mother in a nursing facility for a month. Get someone in to pull the rugs up, the plywood under the rugs probably have to be replaced, there are services to get the smell out of the walls and then repaint (maybe Stanley Steamer) has that service. Have the vents out. Then air that house out. Put down linoleum so it can be easily mopped up. Urinating into pots is just not normal.
Maybe your mother is beyond what you are able to handle. I'm sure you still need to work. I did not see her age maybe she has more things going on, your not aware of.