My mom 77 lives with me. I have one child that is a junior in high school and is preparing for college soon. My other child is in last year of college away from home. I am divorced and have been with my significant other for 5 years. He doesn’t alive with me but spends a good amount of time at my home. We had some rocky times. My mom recently fell and broke some fingers. Then two months later fell again and broke her elbow needing surgery. My SO didn’t seem understanding about me having to cancel acouple of social outings. I tried to have a conversation with him about it saying I don’t know what level of care she needs and we are figuring it out day by day. He was only concerned about who he would go to his niece’s play with. My Birthday was 5 days after my Mom broke her elbow. She was on heavy pain killers and was in bed for several days due to being in so much pain. My SO never offered any support such as if we needed anything from store or if he could bring by take out. On the third day after fall after fall I told him I would have to get a substitute for bowling the next week because she was having surgery and I wasn’t sure how long she would be down. He stopped calling and texting after that. I got a text on my birthday saying Happy birthday hope you have a great day. My mind was blown that he would completely dismiss himself from my life. He asked to talk the day after my birthday and I believe I told him what he wanted to hear which was I was very hurt by him tapping out and not even offering any support to a household that he spend a lot time at and that fed him and took him in as family. I told him since I was insignificant on my birthday that the next few weeks I needed space to concentrate on my mom’s recovery. So in the week to follow, I got two text messages asking if he could get 1/2 the savings we built together as he was going out of town. I was so hurt and angry I had a friend take him all of his things and I Zelle his 1/2 of the vacation fund. I text him and told him I was hurt by his lack of communication and emotional maturity to have a closing conversation after 5 years and wished him well.
heartbroken that this relationship in hindsight was superficial and couldn’t sustain a parent situation. We are both in our fifties. He has no children and both his parents have spouses. He wants a partner with no attachments so they can do what he wants and is free without obligations. He knew for the last 5 years that I have children and a mom that lives with me. We did break up a couple of times in the past and spent a couple of months apart each time. The last time I told him I would only get back with him if he wanted to be a true partner and that he accepted what my life entails which includes balancing time between children, mom and household duties and him. He confirmed he didn’t want to
live without me and we tried again to only have this happen.
would love to hear what others have to say.
Kick him to the curb and never look back.
You will never meet Mr. Right when you are with Mr. Wrong.
Your children come first before any relationship. When my daughter got sick some years ago, my then boyfriend who later became my husband helped out with my grandson while my daughter went through her treatments. He didn't bail on us. After she got cleared from the doctor, my boyfriend and I planned a weekend wedding and got married. We invited our closest friends and family.
Good men do not leave their women when times are hard. I met a guy about three years after my husband died, and when things started going south for me; he was like, Oh Wow! Too bad. I didn't hear from him until the storm had partially subsided, and he called months later just to check in. He was trying to come over. I was like, no. People like these are like fair weather friends. You only see them when things are on the up and up. When the chips are down, they are nowhere around. I didn't need someone who treated my heart like a revolving door. I would wish him the best and move on with my life.
This is standing out very clearly. It is your problem, not because he is at fault. A clean break is doing you a favor. Treat it as a learning experience - how to organise the rest of your caring life, and how to negotiate a relationship. This last one was a pretty sweet deal for him. I hope he paid for his food, at least.
Neither of you are right or wrong. You are in different places in terms of what you want and what you are looking for.
I’m sorry it shook out like this and I only have basic advice to give you on how to move forward such as acknowledge your feelings, give yourself grace, take care of yourself and live as much as possible in the present moment.
Good luck. I’m rooting for you.
Maybe I'm completely wrong - and if I'm honest - he doesn't have any direct responsibility to provide care for your mom - but morally and just as a good person in a relationship with someone for 5 years (who was serious enough to co-mingle funds) yes - he should have been kind enough to offer to bring food or see if you needed anything. And he should have been compassionate and patient with you through a tough time.
Which is why I say that he just wasn't the right person for the long haul, because you have children, and you have a parent who has increasing needs.
Conversely - DH and I have been married 30 years. Yes, that's different from in a relationship of 5 years - but you thought you were in a serious, committed relationship right - so you had certain expectations. We take care of each other's parents just like we do our own. (Sometimes against my better judgment with his narcissist father - but both of his parents are deceased now).
Couples in serious relationships support each other. They are partners. They communicate. That doesn't necessarily mean that they are responsible for taking care of their partner's parent. But it does mean that they have open communication with their partner and show concern for their partner and want to take care of their partner and help them.
It sounds to me as if your ex was not interested in exactly what you said - a relationship with other attachments. And you know what -that's ok. At least he was up front and honest - it took him 5 years but now you know. I know it hurts - it stinks. And he's not who you thought he was. But its ok for him to feel that way. At least he is owning the fact that he's not that person - in a round about way - and you know that now - as hard as that pill is to swallow.
What is the saying? When people show you who they are - believe them?
This man did not want any part of sharing you with your mother any longer . Your mother’s needs were increasing , he saw it was only going to get worse .
Children grow up, graduate , gradually become independent , yet some guys don’t even want that baggage . So long as your mother is living with you , she will only become more dependent on you , creating less time for you and an SO to have a life .
Think about what you want . Do you want to remain a caregiver in your home ? Which IMO will deter a lot of men from entering or staying in a new relationship .
I wish you luck .
The man you write about comes across as wanting an uncomplicated life or at least a less complicated life and more of your time and attention than you can give. Your mother is not that old. At 77 she may live another 10-15 years and her needs will increase so the demands on you re her care will increase. What do you see in the future for yourself? How long are you intending to look after her in your home? The longer your mother is there the less time you will have for others and for yourself. That's the writing on the wall and he read it.
Ideally the two of you should have talked these things through and made joint decisions about what would work for both of you. I think you are both hurt and are not communicating. The balance can only be achieved if you both are open about your needs and both are willing to work them out with each other as you go along and life happens. Communication over issues is not a one and done. It has to be ongoing.
I wish you all the best for your future.
Everyone knows that caring for an elderly parent is temporary
Unfortunately, the answer is he doesn’t want to do it. He doesn’t want to help you and he doesn’t want to sacrifice anything. I would say find someone who is kinder and with better character.
Also, I will add this might be a peek into the future as to how he would treat you when you become ill or incapacitated
There are many good people out there. There are also very selfish people.
You may find that you have two choices – find a different way to meet your mother’s needs and expectations, or give up the idea of a ‘relationship’ with a ‘significant other’. If you stick with M as priority, you can still date and enjoy a social life, but probably not count on a reliable joint bank account. Been there, done that!
Here's another thing to think about. You are drawn into this caregiving gig, and that is now your world. It takes precedence over what he wants to do. I know caregiving; it tends to dominate our thoughts, erode our self-care, and mess up relationships we have with others. We become bound up in it and insular. How is it possible to be a good friend, spouse, partner when we have little interest in our former lives? I'm sure every caregiver has run into this brick wall. If you read posts on here, you'll see some that touch on it.
Sad to say, when we decide or are forced into taking care of someone at home, this is what happens. We lose who we were before, and we lose part of our lives. You might want to ponder on where mom could live and be taken care of by others. Also think about where you want to be in five years - a worn-out caregiver, or a lively person with a social life, friends, and maybe a romantic partner. I don't see that happening as long as mom is your responsibility.
I agree with the others, he is not Mister Right for you. It won't work, so you both need to move on.
Don't fret, there are other men out there!
Consider this relationship tuition in the School of Hard Knocks and move on. Most important, DO NOT let him back into your life under any circumstances, even if your mother is no longer with you.
You have here a broken relationship.
We are a Forum of caregivers from around the world.
We don't know you; we don't know your SO. We couldn't possibly have an opinion about any of this based on any reality because you have here a long term ongoing relationship. But just on the face of it I think that this has very little to do with your mother at all.
You have chosen for whatever reasons not to meld your households together. They aren't melded. He seems ready to move on now. I think his asking for one half the assets you had saved for a trip is his lame way of saying there isn't going to BE a trip, now or in the future, and he would like his half of the savings for it. But that's a guess; you might consider asking him?
You might ask him if, for him, this relationship is now more or less over, or is now a friendship only, or what. And you might ask him if there is something specifically you have done that in his opinion has contributed to this ending.
That is to say, you two will need to TALK ABOUT THIS.
What we may think matters not at all. But the ending of a relationship is ALWAYS very sad, and so I assume we think it is very much just that, and that we wish you luck going on.
That he has done this before tells me he breaks up with you to get a thrill and then comes back for the food, until the next time.
So sorry you spent 5 years with a spineless little....better luck finding a real man next time.
Thankfully you are not married to this piece of garbage. You can wipe your hands of it.
You should have learned that long ago, but with some people it takes a bit longer to learn.
He is all about himself and doesn't give a rats ass about you or your mom. He's made that more than perfectly clear and I hope this time you're paying attention.
And to be honest, with everything you have going on with your mom, you probably should stay clear of any further entanglements with men as you honestly don't have the time needed to make a healthy relationship work anyway, as no man in a serious relationship wants to be made second, just like no woman want to be either.
So until you can you can give 100% to someone, and put them first, I would take a break from the dating scene.