My four siblings are all still working. One lives near me and near Mom’s facility. The rest are out of town. I do at least 90% of the work of managing Mom’s care and providing social support. I am happy to do this for Mom, and am working hard to prioritize her quality of life and mine. For me this means setting boundaries so I can also do other things which are important to me.When concerns or issues come up regarding mom or her facility, one or two of my siblings are quick to make demands on me. The underlying assumption seems to be that since I am retired I should able/willing to care for mom as my siblings feel it should be done. I’m generally a strong person, but I often end up either agreeing to do things that don’t align with my priorities of quality of life for BOTH me and mom and feeling resentful, or I push back and then feel guilty and unfairly judged. How can I better manage my reaction to my siblings’ demands and criticisms? Specifically, what can I say to them in these instances?
"That's a great idea! Thanks for taking the lead on this."
They'll likely respond with reasons why they can't do it, why it would be better if you did it, etc.
An important rule to remember in negotiation is: 'whoever speaks first loses', so resist the temptation to get into an argument. Don't engage. You can repeat some variation of "Great idea, thanks for looking into it" whatever makes it clear the ball is in their court. Generally the fewer words you speak, the better.
When people realize you're not just going to add their idea or criticism to your To-Do list, but that it will actually require some work on their part, their fountain of ideas and complaints starts to dry up.
The LRH finds some grain, asks 'who will help me plant this grain?' --no answer from the other animals
LRH plants the grain, tends it, harvest it, mills the flour, makes the dough, bakes the bread--all with no help from the other animals.
BUT -- all of the other animals are there to 'help' eat that baked bread --after all the hard, sometimes messy, and often stressful work is done.
Or (still smiling) "I don't have to do any of this."
Or just "No".
"No" is a complete sentance which they will have no trouble understanding as long as you don't confuse them by vasilating.
Now, when I was there helping, I was bossed around, criticized about how I dressed aunt, questioned if I was showering her. I mean anything they could think of, they criticized or questioned, and mind you, they live closer to aunt, and I live out of state, and none of them offered a hand, just criticism and asking more of my time.
I got sick of all of them. I gave up my POA and I let them deal with it.
None of them are happy that I walked away, but at least I have my peace of mind and them all out of my hair demanding my life.
I say this because I don't want to to beat your brains out searching for the perfect explanation.
"I CANNOT" should suffice. You'll unfortunately never have their complete understanding or appreciation, BUT YOU HAVE OURS! I think you've done more than enough!
I also felt that my sibling could be judgmental, on occasion. Like you, I truly did my very best. I also resented the underlying assumption that my time was expendable because I’m retired.
I did say the following things that (sometimes) worked depending on the situation:
’I can’t be running over to see Mom again. I just saw her at ___’.
’Would YOU be willing to (whatever it is that they’re asking you to do)?. I have other things that I really need to get to this week’.
‘I don’t think that you realize how much time this all takes. I haven’t had my lunch/dinner yet’.
I just read another response (below), which is excellent:
’That’s a great idea. Thanks for taking the lead on this.’ (they will disappear).
And so forth. In other words, create some handy responses that will fit your particular situation and have them ready when necessary.
It’s about setting limits with siblings who haven’t walked in your shoes.
I hope that this helps.
Sidebar:
Caregiving is riddled with guilt. I have not found a way to not beat myself up when things happen to her or when things come up and I can't see her as often as I know I need to. I think it's just part of the process.
Im the primary caregiver for my mom and two disabled siblings (my mom and one of my disabled siblings recently passed away).
In recent years my 5 other brothers drove me nuts!!!
We would get on weekly conference calls (which they would never say if they couldnt attend or not). I would update them on the 90% of the caregiving that I am doing. They saw getting on the conference call and listening to me as their service for the family.
The critiquing and lack of appreciation drove me mad. Then when I spoke up or pushed back than I was the unreasonable one.
The biggest challenge was me wanting to investigate changing her code status at the hospital. My brothers would never except guidance from an expert (ie nurse) on what to do. They know everything. Brothers the absolute worst.
My solution was to keep my head down and keep doing most of the work, while not being apricated, almost never being thanked, and keep taking the critiques and criticism from those 1 or 2.
It changed our relationship forever. I lost a lot of respect for most of them.
It has taken me months before I can stop feeling like I should be somewhere else, doing something else, now that I no longer visit Mum and manage her care.
I hope that you are actively reclaiming your life and not feeling guilty about doing things for yourself.
Wishing you well.