How do you manage a home with a teen and elderly parent?

MyWitsEnd.....Good for u....i, pray, things r a bit clearer...so that things can get alot better!!....Hang in there....u have some work to do...but, i can tell.....u know, jst, wat needs to be done....God Bless, my friend....Keep in touch

Beckncall - ha ha. Yes, I have been thinking the only thing that could be worse is if we threw a two year old into the mix. We have two in their 20s as well, but they are on their own. Because MIL really has never liked children, we were able to easily minimize their interaction with her. The older two know what she is like, and do not let her get to them. My son has done a good job, but I think you are right. I need to stand up for him and get some control of our home back. Picking my battles, we have another tv room that just needs a little work. I am ok with that. But the disciplining of our child I am not. It is not her place. We have managed to raise 3 wonderful children up to now without her daily input. Thank you. Sometimes you just need someone else to point out the obvious to you.

My WitsEnd....There r a few things that come to my mind, in reading ur post...First, let me say, that u r in the, 2, most difficult n emotionally draining, passages of the "circle of life"....My heart goes out to u.....In surviving the raising of 3 teenagers....now, all in their 20's (THANK GOD)...i, understand ur concern.....but.....in this situation, it is, above anybody else..about ur 14yr old son...
It is, as u said, difficult enough, being 14, n in a fairly functional household...but, throw in an aging grandparent with dementia...r kids tend to dropin the list of our priorities..We think, that, bcuz they r young...they r resilient.... they aren't as affected, as we think.....wen, in actuality, they r the most affected..

Being 14 is only the tip of the adolescent journey that we, as parents, signed up for...I think the way u choose to handle this, will b, closely noticed, by ur son...n, this is ur opportunity to let him kno, that...HE...is the priority in ur household...he needs u n ur husband's patience, understanding n guidance, as he enters into adolescents...n, most importantly...ur time...Ur direct actions with ur MIL, r a message to him of his importance in the family dynamic.

For instance...Why is it that ur MIL is in ur living room, watching TV, while u n ur son r in ur bedroom? Shouldnt that b the other way around? In doing this, u show ur son who's running ur home, n it, definately, should not be grandma...

As far as the nasty n negative comments that she is directing at ur son.....It's not ok...No one should b speaking to ur son, in that way, not even grandma...Believe me, wen i say, it's affecting him, from the inside...out...If anything....this is the time that ur son should b encouraged, supported, lifted up, n built up by u n hubby, n if grandma cant b part of that plan.....Grandma should go to a AL...bottom line....it's not about grandma, is it? It's all about ur son.....

Another thing u mentioned...u've asked ur son to b patient with his grandmother....it's not her fault...she's always been this way...ignore it.....Well....we're talking about a 14yr old...they kno, no more, about patience, understanding, ignoring...than a 5 yr old.....If anything....he needs for U to understand, be patient, ignore grandma's.. control of ur home n family, by ur actions.....which would be to....take back control!!..U said that MIL can, financially, afford to b in a AL....but she jst "doesnt want too".....Well.....U dont want or need her, treating, the gem of ur life....ur son.....in the way he is being treated, right?.....N to ask him to jst ignore it, buz grandma has dementia.....is NOT his problem nor his responsibility.....Be careful wat messages u r sending, by ur words n actions...R kids pay very close attention to all of these things, n, it could end up, that he pays the price, emotionally, for all of it.....

I take this position, bcuz i kno wat this all feels like...Im still trying to make my 24yr old daughter understand that she IS important...she IS smart....she IS beautiful.....she IS NOT fat.....she WILL b successful.....these r the beliefs, ingrained in her , from the time she was 13....by my mother....who DOESNT live with me...n, believe me....those words STILL sting, deep down in her psyche....She has struggled with her self image n self esteem, for years....As her mother.....it breaks my heart...n, my mother knows how her words have affected MY daughter...I wont let her forget....bcuz my daughter cant.....

This is why i feel so strongly about all of this....Please....b an advocate for ur son....He's jst beginning his life, n u need to be, present, to experience it, with him.

I, really do, understand ur concern n frustration....but as many people have said before me...."Nothing Changes, if, NOTHING CHANGES"..!! I'll be praying for u...I, kno, it wont b easy, but ur son, is worth the fight...God Bless

Thank you. That does help. Our son is involved in outside activities (sports, scouts), and that does help. At home, he likes to watch shows when he is not studying. He and I have been watching in my room as MIL has taken over family room tv. I am working on a second family room upstairs. I will watch for him isolating himself in his room. That would not be good. I have explained to him about the dementia. When grandma asks how to turn on the tv for the 100th time, try to be patient. It is not her fault. Unfortunately, the extreme negativity and nastiness is just her. Always has been. That side of her, I told him to ignore her when she is like that. Don't react. I do feel bad for him. Being 14 is hard enough without this. I would be very happy if she got her own place. She has the financial means, but so far does not want AL.

What a terrible situation for your family. I am hoping you have talked to your son about MIL's health and that her comments aren't really directed at him but at the world in general. You certainly don't want the situation to push your son to staying away from home or locked in his room more than normal for a 14 yr old.

Positive outside from home activities along with good times with you and his Dad should balance what his grandmother is dishing out.

My straightforward answer is anything that would negatively impact my kiddos would be removed from the home. Sorry, my own family has to come first. Thanks goodness mine were grown before we had to deal with my Mother.