My mom is almost 85 and in good health. As she gets older she has become more and more fearful of death. The anxiety is just about destroying her life. She becomes so anxious that she will not eat, begins vomiting, can't sleep, and even suffers physical pain and discomfort like stomach aches and soreness. I try to help her to be at peace. She has had a good long life with many adventures and many great grandchildren. I have told her we will find a way to be at peace together so she can enjoy her remaining time, weather 10 years or 10 months. How can I help her? She loves to read. I was hoping maybe there's some kind of story that addresses the issue without being an outright self-help book.
Actually, that's wrong. There are many books on ways TO die.
But seems Mom is looking for ways to LIVE. Forever. That won't happen.
If you are telling us that your mom's physically ill when worrying about a fear of death, then know that this isn't normal.
I am 82. I was an RN. I have utterly no fear of death. But I DO fear losses and DO fear a slow descent that robs me one at a time of everything I am. And I think THAT is more the fear for elders, or more OFTEN the fear. It is more of debility and helplessness than of death. But mom may need some "talk therapy" to comb out her exact fear, and to deal with it best she can. We are at heart very primitive animals, and we fear the unknown.
I would start with MD visit with Mom (hoping you are the POA so you can attend or that she will allow for your attendance). I would express to MD exactly what is happening mentally and physically. I would ask for referral for neuro-psych test. Then to a psychologist if mom doesn't wish to try a mild anti-depressant first.
Do know that ultimately, whether or not she has these bouts of severe anxiety, she will not REMAIN in them forever; as someone who twice has weathered a bit of cancer, I can tell you we just cannot stay afraid all the time. We have bouts of fear. We move on. That's life.
Again. We all know on some level that we will die. It is fairly unimaginable on the face of it. Mark Twain said that he had utterly no fear of death because he had been, for many years before he was born, dead, and it had done him no appreciable harm.
We go to bed every night and we kind of pray to go--but to SLEEP. Which is-- sorry-- kind of the same as a mini-death. We in fact often say of a good sleep "Wow, I was dead to the world".
So, it's important to get mom professional help here. There is little you, I, or her friends can do to assuage her current "reactions". Bouts of severe anxiety often manifest as a "fear of" (death? falling? serial killers?).
As an 82 year old I assure you that we DO think more often about our demise--and about what may lead up to it. So partially what she's doing is "normal". The violent physical and emotional reactions is NOT "normal", so off you go to professional help. I wish you luck and I hope you'll update us.
There are medications as well that help folks with anxiety.
And you say in your response below that she is concerned more about those she'll be leaving behind, so then it's up to you all to reassure her that you will all be ok when she does leave this world for the next.
I had to say those exact words..."I'm going to be ok" to my late husband when he was on his death bed, even though I knew deep down that he already knew that as he knew everything I'd already been through with him over the years. But I said them to reassure him that it was ok for him to go be with Jesus and not to hang on for me.
And since your mom loves to read there are a lot of good books about death and dying(too many to list, but you can "Google" them)that may bring her some peace about it all.
But for now I would start with talking to her doctor about perhaps some anti-anxiety medications to see if that might help.
God bless you both.
So I would keep the conversation about death light, and when mom is upset, say something small to acknowledge her feelings but don't say a lot.
Like say, it really sucks we are all getting older, and I worry about it also, but it is life. We never know from one day to the next , what tomorrow will bring and shrug your shoulders a little, and walk away.
Try not to let your feelings and worry show to mom.
This is hard, for many.
Help her prepare. I think being prepared takes some of that anxiety away.
Ask her what she wants.
If she refuses to talk about it and this upsets her this much then talk to her doctor and medication to help with the anxiety might help.
Talking to a therapist might help if she is willing.
Do you know if anything happened to her at any time that makes her so fearful?
Yes, we all fear the unknown but it should not be so debilitating that it effects you daily.
Just a side thought talk to her about how thankful you are for everything that she has done for you and the rest of the family. The fact that she raised you well she has prepared you to be ok when she is no longer there to help. Maybe if she knows that everyone will be ok will take some of the anxiety away.
I get a sence my mom's issue with excepting that she will not always be here is that she lives in an old neighborhood. She is 89 and many of her neighbors are in there 90s. A 100 year old neighbor died last year. I honestly think they are all trying to hold out, waiting to see who is next.
And the whole thing of " what will the neighbors think" if mom has to go into an AL. Worrying about the neighbors has controlled moms whole life.
My uncle died recently at 90 and mom was shocked when I said , well 90 is a great life. She actually thinks 90 is young. I don't see mom ever giving up and admitting that she is not 50 anymore.
I new someone else, smoked non stop since she was 13 , she got lung cancer at 70 and passed. I felt so bad for the family, because they were actually shocked she had cancer, and the mom was so scared. I did understand how you can be so shocked and scared and not more accepting of dieing, after the amount of smoking she did everyday. I just felt like her not accepting it was a bit selfish to do to her family.
Not really an answer to your question, but the subject is very interesting, I think about it from time to time.
My dad is the same about age and dying. Every age is "so young". A neighbor passed and he said "he must have had some wrong with him, you don't just die" I get what he was trying to say but I just about burst out laughing.
But as for regrets. We all have them. I guess as you get on in years there are more of them and less time to resolve them. What we leave behind for our loved ones is out of our control. I guess she knows this. But you are so right. Anxiety isn't rational. It eats away.
Is she otherwise healthy? Could she go on a low dose anti anxiety drug?
Cause those who believe in an afterlife can take comfort in that at least. If she is an atheist then yes, I could see why she would be fearful.
Is it death itself she is anxious about or the possible pain etc. that may happen as she approaches death?
As far as stories that address the issue. Well, there's the Bible. If it's stories about the actual death process. I'm sure others could recommend books for that.
Again, sorry if talk of God and the Bible offends. But as a Christian I would be remiss if I didn't at least mention it.