Wondered if there was enough interest for a thread on this?
Came across this acronym;
Don't
Even
Think
About
Changing
Him/Her
Detaching means you stop trying to force the outcome that you want.
It’s letting go of controlling and worrying and untangling your life from someone else’s – so that your feelings, beliefs, and actions aren’t driven as a response to what someone else is doing.
One day at home he yelled at me because I was 'not backing the car up correctly.' I got out and asked, 'it's not the car. What's really going on?' He didn't know, and when he started yelling again, I yelled back - "Look....I did not cause your cancer, and I can't cure it." The anger left us both. A few weeks after chemo his chemo brain got better. I had to understand it was not me, then I could detach.
Admittedly I knew they loved me and they are now the kindest most loving adults and the biggest help to me and their father so the right thing was to detach from miserable teenagers but it was so hard . Like now . I am lecturing myself constantly tho that he is just unhappy with life and IT IS NOT ME !
My wise mother’s motto was do the best you can . If someone does it better, good for them but you are doing your best .
I like the acronym very much, and it is certainly a good aide-memoire when you are dealing with "normal" people. People whose behaviours and personalities are within normal range, that is.
You run into trouble when you are dealing with people, though, who set their caregivers and family members the challenge of "making them happy." If we could help people see that "changing" someone could include, for example, transforming a career complainer into a contented little old lady, or a habitual critic into the loving, accepting parent they've always longed for... I think you might really be onto something!
The gentle answer can work sometimes with my dad, but often not. Mental illness miced with dementia is a funky, sad and often toxic cocktail.
Love the acronym! Put it(detach) on my fridge.
Started me thinking about things... And I realize that in my case, I can't be hurt /offended by the changes in mom's behavior. She has changed so much. And what I focused on, was that she isn't able to show affection, or show appreciation, or even notice how others are feeling /doing.
And ultimately, it isn't as offensive! If she was able and withholding those things, then it would be reasonable to be hurt.
But.... One other thing that is out of the skill set thanks to dementia -
Thanks for this thread.
Hang in there-
Sparkles
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