My MIL has dementia with worsening short term memory. I've been on here before. We don't live in the same state as her. By BIL is willing to live with her, cooks for, keeps house, and converses with her. Beyond that is difficult-due to MIL's unwillingness to cooperate at times & other reasons. Today I shared with my husband that I think financial elder abuse may be occurring and shared what it is. My husband has a different viewpoint.
How do I handle this conflict? Another relative who is her DPOA says he can't handle all of that due to his own very overwhelming load of responsibilities.
You are so right. We cannot fix everything. I am not a believer, but you are, and if there's a god then it is a sort of HUBRIS to think that YOU can fix everything. It would be the god who's omnipotent, not us. We can only help so much as we are able.
Remember, you are not responsible to pay for her; you and hubby will need a lifetime of savings, hard work, good luck (and maybe a little help from God) to keep yourself safe in your OWN old age.
Again, thanks so much for the update. So few return to give them to us, and it makes you and your situation really REAL in our hearts. My very best out to you all.
Since other BIL is POA, what responsibilities does he have as POA that are so overwhelming? His other brother is doing the caring. Paying bills can be set up thru apps. Just a matter of pushing the button "pay". As POA he can pay other people, out of Moms money. Pay to have her lawn mowed. Pay to have groceries delivered. He can have his POA revoked but then Mom is left with no POA because she is no longer competent to assign another. Unless, she hadva back up?
Yes, you have told DH what you think. If he sees nothing wrong with that and either does the POA, then leave it alone.
There is no conflict unless you make it one. You won't make it one if you keep your mouth shut, refuse to discuss it, refuse to be pulled into taking care of her, and go about your merry life.
Which it won't be if you take on one iota of this mess that's going to keep happening.
The most you should say is, "I told you what I think," and say it as you are leaving the room. Anything you say could be a handle where husband can hang blame, anger, disdain, shame, and every other emotion that's going to surface due to his refusal to validate your point of view. Be prepared. Don't engage. Wash your hands of all of it. And have a happy new year.
You are the inlaw.
You have explained your suspicion to your husband (which is right for you to do). Now you DROP IT like the hot potato it literally is.
This is now up to your husband, and to the caregiver and POA for her.
Stay clear of this. Don't discuss this. Try to help with her care where you an.
To be quite honest, were your MIL in care then she would be paying ANYWHERE from 5,000 to 20,000 per month on her care. The caregiver who is caring for her should be being paid and the POA should see to that with an Elder Law Attorney. As no one here is taking ownership for what SHOULD BE DONE, let me just tell you that you are literally the last person on earth who should be meddling in it.
I think everything you did to date was well done. Now you have discussed your suspicion and it is in Hubby's hands. This is HIS mother. Let him handle it, or NOT. MIL will soon no longer be on this earth. Hubby may want to stay out of it. And the POA certainly seems to want to.
I would leave it be. That's me. Trust you to do what you believe you must do.
Having the POA arrange for my BIL to be paid sounds great! I will mention that idea-under a written contract.
In the meantime, you are very right I am the last person to be involved. I literally can't visit because the unmet needs are glaring. But my husband is more than willing to go be with her for a month at a time, with a caregiver coming in for 2 hours/3 x's a week.
Thank you again!
This way both understand the legal ramifications of not managing MIL’s care and finances correctly.
People with dementia can and do live longer than their caregivers and their assets. Their care is very expensive.
It is not a DPOAs responsibility to do the things you mentioned that BIL is doing. It is the DPOA responsibility to protect her assets and make sure they are being spent on MIL to keep her safe and well cared for.
It is best to get a care contract to pay BIL for providing the services he performs rather than it appear that he is being gifted MIL assets or is abusing her trust. The paperwork matters. It may not make that much difference in what is actually being spent but w/o proper records and a contract it may be difficult to prove to adult protective services what happened to MIL money.
Let the fact that these things do matter help resolve any conflict.
Your DH probably knows he couldn’t do what BIL is doing for any amount of money. Spend some time researching the cost of memory care in their city. If you feel MIL is being abused, visit. Be careful in advocating not to cause MIL to be dissatisfied with her situation if she wants to live at home.
My part now is just to share the idea & let them take it or not.
It truly is better if I stay out of it.
Thank you!!!