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My MIL has dementia with worsening short term memory. I've been on here before. We don't live in the same state as her. By BIL is willing to live with her, cooks for, keeps house, and converses with her. Beyond that is difficult-due to MIL's unwillingness to cooperate at times & other reasons. Today I shared with my husband that I think financial elder abuse may be occurring and shared what it is. My husband has a different viewpoint.
How do I handle this conflict? Another relative who is her DPOA says he can't handle all of that due to his own very overwhelming load of responsibilities.

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Hiker 75, thank you for your update below. It is lovely.

You are so right. We cannot fix everything. I am not a believer, but you are, and if there's a god then it is a sort of HUBRIS to think that YOU can fix everything. It would be the god who's omnipotent, not us. We can only help so much as we are able.

Remember, you are not responsible to pay for her; you and hubby will need a lifetime of savings, hard work, good luck (and maybe a little help from God) to keep yourself safe in your OWN old age.

Again, thanks so much for the update. So few return to give them to us, and it makes you and your situation really REAL in our hearts. My very best out to you all.
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Thanks for being so participatory with the Forum and those who answered you, Hiker. It makes you very real to us, and makes us even more concerned for your well-being. Hope you will continue to update us. Walk to the Senenity Prayer. Good luck.
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Hiker75 Dec 28, 2024
My husband asked for a do-over from our previous discussion. We had a great lengthy, detailed conversation. We also talked with her Mobile NP- who just gave her a yearly Medicare Wellness exam. Next step is getting the POLST form-but my husband is taking care of all next steps. I'm updating research on a facility that looks promising, if homecare doesn't work out for her safety. That's it! I know the Serenity Prayer very well. We also prayed for the situation before and after we had our discussion.
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Does the BIL living work? If not, how does he pay his bills. Is he really exploiting her or taking what he needs to live. You can't expect someone to care for someone 24/7 and not be given any money.

Since other BIL is POA, what responsibilities does he have as POA that are so overwhelming? His other brother is doing the caring. Paying bills can be set up thru apps. Just a matter of pushing the button "pay". As POA he can pay other people, out of Moms money. Pay to have her lawn mowed. Pay to have groceries delivered. He can have his POA revoked but then Mom is left with no POA because she is no longer competent to assign another. Unless, she hadva back up?

Yes, you have told DH what you think. If he sees nothing wrong with that and either does the POA, then leave it alone.
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Hiker75 Dec 28, 2024
DOA has a 4 young children, including a new baby, a full time job, & a secondary job.
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You've said your piece. Your husband isn't on the same page. Now you know what you're dealing with - a husband who is not going to change his mind unless something drastic happens.

There is no conflict unless you make it one. You won't make it one if you keep your mouth shut, refuse to discuss it, refuse to be pulled into taking care of her, and go about your merry life.

Which it won't be if you take on one iota of this mess that's going to keep happening.

The most you should say is, "I told you what I think," and say it as you are leaving the room. Anything you say could be a handle where husband can hang blame, anger, disdain, shame, and every other emotion that's going to surface due to his refusal to validate your point of view. Be prepared. Don't engage. Wash your hands of all of it. And have a happy new year.
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Hiker75 Dec 26, 2024
That's exactly what I concluded I should do. I have dropped this burden. thank you for making it clear what I should do which it matches what I realize now.
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This isn't your business.
You are the inlaw.
You have explained your suspicion to your husband (which is right for you to do). Now you DROP IT like the hot potato it literally is.
This is now up to your husband, and to the caregiver and POA for her.
Stay clear of this. Don't discuss this. Try to help with her care where you an.

To be quite honest, were your MIL in care then she would be paying ANYWHERE from 5,000 to 20,000 per month on her care. The caregiver who is caring for her should be being paid and the POA should see to that with an Elder Law Attorney. As no one here is taking ownership for what SHOULD BE DONE, let me just tell you that you are literally the last person on earth who should be meddling in it.

I think everything you did to date was well done. Now you have discussed your suspicion and it is in Hubby's hands. This is HIS mother. Let him handle it, or NOT. MIL will soon no longer be on this earth. Hubby may want to stay out of it. And the POA certainly seems to want to.

I would leave it be. That's me. Trust you to do what you believe you must do.
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Hiker75 Dec 26, 2024
Thank you Alva Deer. It is a hot potato. And at the Y tonight as I walked, & prayed, I knew it was time to just let this burden go. On a shelf, then out the door. As it's just too difficult.
Having the POA arrange for my BIL to be paid sounds great! I will mention that idea-under a written contract.

In the meantime, you are very right I am the last person to be involved. I literally can't visit because the unmet needs are glaring. But my husband is more than willing to go be with her for a month at a time, with a caregiver coming in for 2 hours/3 x's a week.

Thank you again!
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The best advice I could offer is for the DPOA and the caregiver brother to visit a certified elder law attorney well versed in Medicaid in the state they live in.
This way both understand the legal ramifications of not managing MIL’s care and finances correctly.
People with dementia can and do live longer than their caregivers and their assets. Their care is very expensive.
It is not a DPOAs responsibility to do the things you mentioned that BIL is doing. It is the DPOA responsibility to protect her assets and make sure they are being spent on MIL to keep her safe and well cared for.
It is best to get a care contract to pay BIL for providing the services he performs rather than it appear that he is being gifted MIL assets or is abusing her trust. The paperwork matters. It may not make that much difference in what is actually being spent but w/o proper records and a contract it may be difficult to prove to adult protective services what happened to MIL money.
Let the fact that these things do matter help resolve any conflict.
Your DH probably knows he couldn’t do what BIL is doing for any amount of money. Spend some time researching the cost of memory care in their city. If you feel MIL is being abused, visit. Be careful in advocating not to cause MIL to be dissatisfied with her situation if she wants to live at home.
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Hiker75 Dec 26, 2024
Excellent ideas! Will pass them on to my husband. My MIL is very satisfied living at home with her youngest son. That situation may get more complicated in the next few months but for now it's okay when he's not on vacation.
My part now is just to share the idea & let them take it or not.
It truly is better if I stay out of it.

Thank you!!!
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Unless you are willing to move MIL into your home and do all this caregiving that BIL is currently doing for her, I'd be careful about who I was accusing of "elder financial abuse". None of this is pleasant or easy, especially where dementia is concerned. If she lived in Memory Care Assisted Living, she'd be paying over $7k a month not including supplies.
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Do you believe you MIL can live 100% on her own with no outside support from your BIL? Because if she can't everything that she is paying him to do she will have to pay someone else to do, and if instead of paying for caregivers she needs to move to assisted living she will need to pay for that. Most family caregivers work at a fraction of the cost of paying outsiders, and even if he is asking an equivalent amount IMO you really can't call that exploitative.
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Hiker75 Dec 27, 2024
We're rediscussing it today. Probably new POA will be BIL. The issue is twofold. One: He cares for her as best he can. His wife can't get along with her. She left. She now hopes to return with her mom. So it gets more complicated. Both verbally abused each other. Other relatives refuse to visit when BIL's wife is present- because of other stuff.
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