So much criticism - Dad put up with this and l say 'No' to negative input when driving. I have made an ultimatum, 'Would you like me to order you a taxi?'I now wonder is her complaint/s justified with the dementia. I slow where it is safe but then need to be right in with the traffic flow at times. Tried music on the radio. Asking her to close her eyes.She is reacting to other cars moves, some times, like anticipating they could have got us. I've not been reactive to this stunt or what ever it is. But who needs the thrill! How do l judge that it's time for her to not go on long drives which she loves and asks for. Any ideas for comforters....
She may do better with an anti anxiety med before or during a long trip.
She may have inner ear issues that affect her as well.
My DH aunt did better if we talked to someone on the phone a bit when we were driving to an appointment. I like to listen to talk programs but not music.
Aunt had a fear of ferrying. Once when we were rerouted due to traffic conditions we wound up on a ferry. Because she had taken a very light anxiety med before we left home, she actually enjoyed the ferry for the first time in her life.
I have a cousin who won’t drive or ride on an expressway. She does fine on other roads. I have a SIL who won’t cross a body of water. Seems tedious but any travel for her is full of what others would find needless detours.
Your mom’s condition seems long standing as you refer to your dad “putting up with this”.
Might be worth a discussion with her doctor.
You will have to decide how much she is in control and how much is out of her control. Telling her that you cannot drive her if she continues to speak while you are driving is pretty clear. So we are down to whether you CAN drive when she is speaking or CANNOT. If she can't stop, and you can't safely drive with this chatter, then yes, a hired car may be the only solution. You cannot control her and you cannot allow yourself to be "driven to" being an unsafe driver by her chatter.
But she tries to "inform" and micromanage everything she sees me do now: cooking, cleaning - and she gets it wrong. We were making the Christmas panettone bread together (a long-standing tradition) with my son and I had her stand and stir the milk to scald it so that she wouldn't hyperfocus on proofing the yeast and insisting on doing things that were not in the recipe and creating chaos. Then I heard her yelp and stick her finger in her mouth. She decided to test the temp of the milk by sticking her finger in the obviously hot liquid. I no longer react by saying, "Why did you do that?!?" She doesn't know, either. She can't help it.
But, I've also gotten better at totally ignoring certain conversations with her and not responding at all to things she says that I find bothersome. Maybe in the car you can distract her by mapping your route on your phone's app and telling her to watch the progress of your trip and "isn't technology amazing? Make sure to watch the moving dot closely because that is us!"
Or, as others have suggested, she only goes in the car as the last resort. But yes, it is part of her dementia. Dementia robs people of their reason and logic, their judgment, their empathy for others, their memories, their sense of time and space and balance, etc. You're the only one that can change now. Everything about dementia sucks, so you will need to know and defend your boundaries and limits.
One of the things that people with dementia seem to want is familiarity and on a long drive that takes them out of familiar territory.
Perception is also skewed a bit. So time is different, movement is different these both can account for her reactions.
It may also come to be that short drives will also make her nervous. When that happens it is time for no more car rides. I had to stop taking my Husband out when it was no longer safe for me to try to get him into the car. He just did not "know" how to turn and sit in the car. (needed 2 people, 1 to guide him, 1 to be on the ground to pivot his feet...and that person on the ground was me!)
If you feel the need to get your mom out occasionally, then make the trip short and sweet. Or now just visit her at home or facility and bring her little treats that you know she enjoys.
As the disease damages her brain it's going to alter all her senses, and her sense of balance too. A lot of times the person with the disease stops wanting to leave the home because they can't process a lot of data--things feel like they're coming at them too fast for them to handle. It sounds like you've tried good work-arounds. I agree with waytomisery that it may be time to stop the drives.
I’d give up the long drives . There is no point if you are both uncomfortable .
Just make excuses and keep the drives short , to get ice cream