I help my parents with whatever they need done. My Dad has a chronic, progressive lung disease and my Mom fell and broke her hip just over a year ago. During Mom’s recovery & rehabilitation, I handled things for both of them. Paid bills, handled transportation & appointments, supported Mom through rehab and physical therapy, scheduled other family members to stay with Dad on different nights, did housework & laundry, cooked meals, etc.. After Mom came home, I noticed that others came less & less often. The better she got, the less they came. I still helped out because she couldn’t lift and is still a fall risk. My Dad’s condition is still just getting worse.
What I have noticed for a while now is that Mom & Dad treat me rather dismissively when I’m there unless I’m doing something for them but when I stop by and other family members are doing an occasional visit, they are warm & welcoming & chatty with them. I tried staying to visit them yesterday after taking my Dad to an out of town eye appointment and they both ignored me, even cut me off while talking and started talking to each other. My brother called, (he lives out of state and calls every single day to talk about his issues), and it was totally as if I wasn’t even there. I left. Does anyone else experience this?
I don’t resent other family members but it does hurt when I’m treated badly and the other family visitors are treated so nicely.
Some parents pick their favorites and that’s that.
They let it be known that the others are the favorite and if you call them on it, they will deny it profusely and become annoyed that you brought it up.
In other words, you offended them, and they could care less if they hurt you.
They will want you to feel as if you are wrong to question or point out their behavior.
It’s very common in many families. It usually doesn’t change.
We have no power to change others behavior. We can only change our reaction to it.
I think that some people misread dismissive as nasty - they are not nasty to me. When I walk in, it’s “could you check the laundry?”, that kind of thing. Kind of treating me like a hired hand but without pay. When others come, it’s a visit with courtesy. I think that many are right when they answered that the others who visit infrequently are treated like the prodigal son because my parents may fear that they won’t come back if required to help out. Whatever it is, it is not pleasant.
Their first concern when others stop by is “how are you?”. Hence I only go when necessary. It has upset one of my sons as he thought that I was abandoning them. Nothing could be further from the truth. I am not enabling them and leave everything that they are capable of doing for them to do. I only do what is absolutely necessary.
one as you are probably closer to your parents emotionally so stepping back may affect you. But I recommend you do. However, as expectations are there that you are the caring one you will get judged by everyone else as being uncaring. I’m afraid you have to decide what you want. I have stepped back and lived with the guilt but looking back I was raised to care for others whereas my brother was raised and admired for putting himself first. A real gender bias that my mum acknowledges but still think is ok. It kills me to be treated unfairly so I have had to decide any intimate care is now payable to a carer by her. I realised I was never going to be loved more by doing more and in fact she would always show more positive regard for my brother no matter how little he does. I also think there is a contempt that creeps in when you do these servitude chores? As if you put yourself in this status and they treat you with contempt? It shouldn’t be like that but it sounds like your parents see your siblings as their children and you have been reassigned a carer i stead of daughter. Up to you but start preserving yourself. Good luck I feel your pain xx