I am currently the care giver for my 87 yr old mom and she is the most miserable person I have ever seen. Nothing suits her she is down on everything and will not lift a hand to do anything she thinks shes supposed to be waited on hand and foot. I have a sister that takes her for a few days here and there and its the same there we are all she has and she treats us so bad I get mad and tell her about herself then she pouts and won't eat and just stays in her room for a few days, I am retired but have no life would like to visit my kids and grand kids but she can't be left alone she would starve cause she will not even fix a sandwich, She has a dog and can't take of it either someone has to take it to the vet give its medicine go buy its food and she acts like it should be an honor for us to do it. I feel so guilty cause I don't want to even talk to her its always something or shes talking about someone in the family just so sick of being around a toxic person I love her but don't like her very much is this a normal way to act just because you get old? I will never put my kids through this.
Why?
Guilt requires causation.
Did you CAUSE your mother's aging, illness, depression?
No?
Then guilt is inappropriate.
Words we tell our own brains matter. They form deep paths within. Change out your working. You may be feeling the OTHER G-word which is GRIEF. Grief that you cannot make her happy. Grief that you must care for her and give up your own life. Grief that even with that sacrifice she is still miserable.
Old age isn't a happy time, and you are never responsible for the happiness of another.
I think it may be time to consider how long you can go on doing the care, 24/7, of someone to whom that makes no difference, don't you?
I think your mom now needs the companionship of those who are in her own position, other elders who wish to sit about in the gazebo discussing their multiple aches, pains, and failing families. I think she needs now several shifts with several people on each. I think you need to stop jumping onto her slow burning funeral pyre.
Or at the least, give it some thought?
I wish you the best. You should stay on AC and keep reading, because while we won't have the cure, you will surely feel less alone. My heart goes out to you.
If she can't or won't care for the dog, time to find it a new home. What are your living conditions?
I do think that as people get older, they become very negative BUT some people were this way before becoming older. My dad has always been negative and it has only gotten worse with age. He can say such ugly things to me and to others but he has some people that would not dare say anything negative to. He holds some people on a pedestal but sadly I'm not one of them. It is very hard being around someone who is always negative. It affects you in a negative way. Is it possible to get some in home help or for her to go to a facility?
We finally got her placed in AL 5 years ago, she had a slight stroke and was afraid to stay alone at night. She lived in a mountain home in NC, we in Fl. We tried for years for her to accept outside help and refused AL.
Here is the irony, after we moved her to FL and placed her, she said " I wish I had done this 10 years earlier...I love it here....new friends and I do not have to lift a finger to do anything"!
There you go, might be time to place her for both her good and that of the family.
You are in the burn out mode, they only way to stop the downward progression is to make some hard decisions, one of which is to stop enabling your mother.
There is a good book about codependency "Codependent No More" by Melodia Beatty, read it, it may be of help to you.
Read about FOG- fear, obligation and guilt. Your brain in now in a fog, as the fog lifts, and you start realizing, what caregiving is doing to your mental and physical health, you will start seeing the truth, right now you can't see it, because you are so exhausted, and gaslighted.
Read about codependency
And take the advice others give you
Yes the guilt can end , but you have to do the work, to make it end!
Yes life can be awesome again!
🫂🫂🫂🫂
You are NOT responsible to take care of your mom!!! But you are responsible to take care of yourself, physically, mentally and spiritually, and at this time you are neglecting all of that.
And of course you should be spending time with your children and grandchildren as you will NEVER get this precious time back.
Your mom sounds like a selfish bi***h, and you are allowing her to be one.
Time to put your foot down once and for all and tell mom that you will no longer be caring for her as you're taking your life back, and she has the choice of either hiring full-time help to come assist her or she can move into an assisted living facility, or she can remain on her own and hope for the best.
But again...she is NOT your problem, yet for some unknown reason you have allowed her to become your problem.
So time to put your big girl panties on, cut the unhealthy ties and go spend time with your children and grandchildren.
Reclaim your life. Does she live with you, or do you live with her, or do you go to her house? Regardless, go visit your children and grandchildren. Don't they matter to you? Of course they do. Why are you letting your selfish ungrateful mother deprive them of your attention? You mean well by caring for your mother, but it's causing you to neglect your children and grandchildren who would appreciate you. You deserve to have happy relationships, not misery.
If your mother sulks and won't make herself a sandwich and doesn't want to come out of her room, that's her choice. Stop waiting on her hand and foot. She can choose to step up for herself, or she can choose to sulk and suffer. If you genuinely think she's not safe, call APS and tell them that your mother is alone and needs help and let them figure out a solution that doesn't involve you.
Please don't allow yourself to continue accepting this abuse. You should be living your retirement in joy and peace, not misery inflicted by another person.
I know all of this is easier said than done, but resolve to do it. Let us know how you're doing.