Mother married 5 times. She has also moved 15 times in 10 years and says people live in her attic. She has money, but has still worn me out every week going to the bank making sure money is there. She believes that people in the attic will steal it, but Medicare test says she's component. Really? I think it's mental illness, and I feel guilty because I want some freedom to live my life. She's in assisted living, there are support options. I've suffered stage 4 cancer twice and am in remission. She didn't come when I was really sick with cancer, but I feel guilty as I'm the only one she has. I just want time to spend with my family and have some peace. I just want to visit a couple times a week and that's it. Am I wrong? I’m currently in therapy.
Guilt requires causation and a refusal to fix something; that's not you, so guilt is entirely inappropriate in your case.
I think what you may be feeling is grief that your mother's limitations are so burdensome and that you cannot fix them, but in fact, you CANNOT fix them.
Throwing your own life on your mother's funeral pyre is a terrible waste, and if that is what you in tend doing then I think it is appropriate to feel guilty over that wasting. It will not help your mother feel content; that isn't how she rolls. It will only add to your burdens for no good reason.
Cancers are fed, some doctors believe, by the anxiety producing cortisols released with anxiety and feeling bad.
I am thankful you are in therapy and I hope you have a GOOD therapist, one that will shake you up and help you move away from habitual ways of behaving that harm you.
The good news here is that Mom is in care and there are folks paid to put up with her machin ations. I would be surprised if she was ever a whole lot different. One thing that is certain is that she isn't in your control, so give up hoping for change and move on with a quality life.
I wish you the very best.
I know cuz I'm going through something similar, moms not in an Al
But I'm backing way off because I can't get the family on board with getting her in one and I'm pretty much waiting for a fall, at this point. And it's been so hard!!!
I've taking my mom for 4 years to every store she wanted to go to , every wheres because she can't drive, to the point where I hate shopping. This morning I went to a dollar general by myself I felt like a little kid out by herself for the first time. I felt like grinning from ear to ear. Then I'm like am I a horrible person? moms home in pain and I'm happy.
No I'm not! I've been though a lot!!
And deserve to be happy.
Best of luck, from one caregiver to another, going through the hardest thing we will ever go through at this time
Tomorrow who knows what will happen.
I feel guilty but I keep justifying it knowing IF he comes home, I will need to be here 24 hours a day and we will be back to square one trying to get him back to where he was before which wasn't wonderful but doable. The thought of him being 100% bedridden again and having to deal with that makes me hope he passes in the hospital. Horrible to say but I am being honest.
I am feeling "normal" again, I have been living with him for 6 months full time and I don't want this feeling to end. But, I am prepared if I have to do another round of this, at least this time I know to start the Zoloft immediately.
Hang in there.... My motto: We are not meant to live FOREVER.
Starr
Live your life and learn to ignore the stories of the little green men in the attic stealing money. I thought I would throw that one in there for laughs.
You can only do what you can do. Stop making unnecessary trips to the bank and double checking everything. It is not needed. Can you call the bank instead to check the balance?
But on a more serious note, you don't need permission from anyone to live your life. Life is your gift. Live it to the fullest.
All that aside, it's not your job to schlep mother to the bank. The AL has a mini bus. Mother has a phone, I'm sure, and can call the bank for a balance update. If you're her caregiver, what's the point of AL?
And what do YOU have to feel guilty about??? You are not "all she has"! She has a staff of people to help her, other residents to hang around with, and a mini bus to schlep her around! Tell mom you are unwell and need time for yourself. You'll see her once a week from X to X time and that's it. Get her seen by the AL doc for her paranoia and some calming meds, too.
Move on with YOUR life and acknowledge you're not responsible for HERS.
Good luck to you.
You actually owe your mother nothing you know. As in nothing.
But you do owe yourself and immediate family the best version of yourself. And if that means you only visit your mother ONCE a week or month so you can have some peace in your life, well...so be it.
And don't answer your phone if your mother calls, but let them go to voicemail. And tell the assisted living facility to only call you if there is a true emergency.
Your mother obviously have some mental decline going on, more than likely dementia of some sort, and needs to be on some medication(s) for her delusions.
Let her doctor work all that out and start distancing yourself for your own mental health's sake.
And quit feeling guilty over something you have no control over. You didn't make your mother old or demented.
I'm sorry that you too were short changed when it came to mothers, many of us were, but hopefully we learn from that and make wiser and better choices when it comes to our own children and grandchildren.
So start enjoying your children and grandchildren and stay healthy both physically and mentally.