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Mom is 84 and resides at an assisted living facility, she has very bad arthritus and other age related health problems. Last night since I would not stop everything and look up her meds on the computer, she blasted me and said I do not care. She told me that since she no longer has a computer she cannot look up side affects associated with her meds, which if she knows of them she always ends up having them. Now she thinks her meds could kill her (most medications have many potential side affects) and since I do not want to look them up , I dont care. She is in assisted living and seems to not get enough attention so I get these calls daily. What can I do, Last week we made three visits to the Doctor, it looks like I will have to take her again this week, nothing changes. Soon her Doctor may give up..but I cannot...she is my mom.... but I am afraid this daily complaining and Dr visits is killing me...No matter what, mom is unhappy, uncomfortable and just plain mean at times. She wants me to listen and take her to the Dr. constantly, it is her neck today, her leg tomorrow, then confusion, then her back, then her stomach, then her teeth. Seriously my mother has an issue every day, it is always something and If I do not come running , then I do not care, I am beginning to think otherwise. Maybe I should not respond everytime, she is not going to be happy anyway. My sweet wife is very helpful but at what point will she say the heck with this...I am just worn out and have very little patience....what to do....

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SA:

You might not like this, but I'll say it anyway. People living in AL aren't helpless individuals but do need assistance with some things. She might not have a computer, but the facility has one. They can help her look up the side effects. Or, the next time she picks up her meds, insist a monograph for every medication is included. That way she'll have a list of side effects handy.

She hollers, you jump. I'm sure your wife has told you this many times but you'll continue running to her rescue as long as she pulls the strings and pushes the buttons she installed to ensure your subservience whether you're single or not. She needs to be weaned. You already know the difference between legit phone calls and attention-seeking BS.

Needy people = entrapment, so don't be surprised when your wife starts packing. It's not easy being married to a shadow and pretend everything is honky-dory when he's around. Your Mom might say something like "She wasn't right for you anyway" just to keep your blinders on. Your wife, then, is the only barrier that's keeping her from moving in. Yes my brother, that's the name of her game.

No man should have to choose between mother and wife, but unless you set boundaries and enforce them consistently there isn't a woman in the world that will put up with all that nonsense. You'll be alone and bitter because the best years of your life were sacrificed to serve an individual who's never given much thought to the effect her neediness is having on you and your loved ones.

She wants what she wants when she wants it. It's for you to decide whether she gets it or not.
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I agree with Eddie as I had to learn boundaries with my mother who is a hypochondriac. I don't know what the deal is with old people. But they do get self- absorbed. She has probably always yelled at you when you don't do what she wants. So she's trained you to respond without thinking. Step back and take a look at what she is saying. Is it true? No. It's the yelling that you are responding to not the message which is blantantly false.

Set some boundaries and stick to them otherwise she'll eat you alive and move on to the next person.
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Thumbs up Eddie, it has taken me only 45 years to realise I was being played like a fiddle by my mother. I'd been her full time carer for 5 months, after a year of running around the country when she called. WELL...what a blardy mess she made of my life, I was ready to volunteer to be put in a straight jacket, one because I felt completely mad, and two to stop me from throttling her.

I get the calls to my mobile ph from her, which I used to take and then race off to her side because she felt she was going to die...*rolls eyes*, then the call to bring her favourite shoes....*rolls eyes*, the things I've dashed into her for is ridiculous, and I'm embarrassed now that I have distanced myself from it to see how manipulative she was being.
The last straw for me was when she started confiding in my husband what an evil cow I am and how useless I have always been. Massive boundaries crossed...It caused no end of trouble I can tell you.
Advice which I found helpful....turn off yah phone!!!!, learn to say NO!!!!!, take back control, and tell ya mum to pull her head in...she will hate you for a few days or longer, but once you realise the sky didn't fall down because you didn't run to your mum, it gets better and better as you take back control of your life. Good lucks matey
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Hi, sacline. It makes perfect sense to me that you are emotionally exhausted. The examples you shared are consistent with your mother being a high maintenance individual. Does she have enough to do during the day? If you can afford to get her a computer, have you considered doing that? You may want to let her know that barring a medical emergency, she will simply need to write down each of her medical ailments as they come up and save them for her monthly, or whenever scheduled, medical visits, unless you and the doctor have reason to be medically concerned about each symptom she comes up with daily. In fairness to her, she probably is acutely aware of how much her body is changing with age and it may frighten her. That's normal, in my opinion only.

You don't have to respond to her daily. You may choose to listen and not act upon what she has to say unless you determine that there is a need to do so. Cut yourself some slack if medically reasonable. You can let her know that you will make mental note of her concerns and encourage her to share those with her doctor at next opportunity. Remind her that she has shared many details of her medical symptoms with her doctor already and the doctor gets the bigger health picture. Encourage her to start a list of questions to ask her doctor at her next visit, including her fears of where the road may lead.

You will also need to stop worrying about what she thinks of your non-responses. She worries, and so do you. If her doctor gives her up as a patient, all you can do is try to find another doctor if or when that may happen. If her health is going to worsen, no amount of worry will prevent that from happening. Instead of worrying about how soon your wife will become fed up, share your frustrations with your wife and let her know that you want her help to break the cycle of worrying so much about your mother's situation. When was the last time you enjoyed a date night with your wife? Invite her to dinner soon and start to expand your shared world in ways that you will both find fulfilling. Good luck in breaking the cycle!
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Sounds familiar, need to just ignore her calls. Tell her you didn't hear your phone or whatever. you have to realize she is safe and in good care. The nurses are right, she is playing you like a fiddle and she is selfish. Set your boundaries. Good luck
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I love the idea Eddie posted of making sure she has the printouts from the pharmacy of potential side effects. Tell her take a look at those, or go to the facility computer if she needs it.

You are not a "bad son" and no matter how much she complains, you will not suddenly become a "bad son." There is no making some people happy, and the history of your mother sounds like she is such a person. Nothing you can do will make the aches and pains go away. The underlying fears -- that she is closer to death daily, that things won't "get better" but harder -- are what she is distracting herself from, by latching on to a litany of daily problems. Calling you for help is her way of believing she still has ways to push away the impacts of aging, that she still has some control in her life. And it occurs to me that you might just say that to her. Notice how it feels for YOU (for me, for anyone reading this) to read, "Getting old is hard, isn't it?" It just makes me (at least) kind of relax: "Yes it IS hard!" maybe that bit of relief is something that could quell the fears and anger at being fearful, at least for a little bit.
But the main thing I want to say is find ways to give up needing to be a "good son" to her. That's an impossible task, at least in terms of getting her to acknowledge it and stop complaining. Say no. Say, "look it up in the papers that are in the desk, where I left them." Say, "It must be hard to be worried like this and have nothing to distract yourself from the worry." And if none of that helps, say, "I love you Mom AND I can't look that up for you now. I'm sorry you feel so angry right now." And hang up.
Oooooh, I feel for you. I feel for all of us. And all of them, too.
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My mother would do the same thing - call in a panic and then when I would get there the episode would be over. I got the doctor to tell her the story about the boy who cried wolf - and then when she would have a REAL episode, she would say "See, I'm not crying wolf." So now, I have a planned visit weekly. I bring her groceries (she is in independent living instead of assisted where she belongs". If she calls in a panic for ANY reason, I tell her I will call the service on site to assist her. They are trained medical personnel and will call me back if it is a real emergency at which point I will meet her at the hospital. Otherwise I stick to the 1X per week visit. It has truly helped with my sanity and my ability to stay calm.
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My mom calls all the time and will usually leave a voicemail. What my mom doesn't understand is that she is not really talking to me, but she is leaving a "voicemail" . . . where she carries on a one-sided conversation. I just have to smile and laugh . . . getting old is hard and once I figured out that its okay NOT to take every single call she makes to me, I can deal with her better. She is in an Assisted Living Facility for a reason and I know she is getting the care she needs. My mom is 82 years old and worked right up until 5 years ago. She is a go getter and is very, very independent. Being in this AFC home is NOT with her approval and of course, she misses her family. If she wants to call me and carry on a conversation on my voicemail, that is okay with me. I will call her back when I can and when I'M READY to talk to her. I love her dearly and want only the best for her, but I have to do what is best for me too, and it sounds like you need to do this as well before you end up resenting her.
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JaneB does a good job of explaining what goes on in the mind of the elderly. I'm a logical and factual person. I like that sort of explanation.

What occurred to me when I was reading JaneB's post was that my mother and father were always in deep denial about their health and bodies. When my dad died it was an immense suprise to them both although it was obvious to me for some time that he wasn't going to live much longer. My dad liked us to pretend that he was getting better. He believed in optimisim at all times, never acceptance of the inevitable results of a life of drinking and smoking. Consequently we never discussed his death.

My mother is 93 and fading from frailty. Every part of her is slowing and falling apart. She asked me yesterday if her trouble with eyesight was the result of watching too much tv. She wants to believe that it can all be fixed just like my dad did.

Do they think they can avoid death? I guess that's part of a lifetime of denial.
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I agree with Eddie as well. Your wife should come first. You made vows to her. A good leader in his family finds a way to make time for the wife first, then mother.
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