My mother is in her mid 80's and has always been quite secretive. Even my Dad had no idea how much money she had, if she had insurance or any medical problems. It's getting worse, even my wife and kids (her only grandkids) don't want to be around her. She lies constantly, I have NO idea what her plans are for the future, and she WILL NOT tell me. What to do?
In my line of work I have seen many fatal household accidents involving the elderly living alone, mostly involving stairways (falls). A single level house is best, or any house with a bedroom, full bath, kitchen & living or family room on the ground floor. In our case, we've given her time and friendly hints about stairs, and she's finally got the idea, they're dangerous! Especially since she gets dizzy. Two weeks ago we had to take her to the Emergency Room, although she gave us no real symptoms, my wife is an RN, that helped.. She gave the doc and RN no real symptoms either, and the doc and I had a private talk, she was somewhat dizzy at times, but additionally just wanted attention. After she cancelled 3 doctors appointments, always at the last minute, we simply showed up @ her house an hour before another appointment with her doctor and drove her there.
She's feeling better and we stop by often, our sons cut her grass if they're not at work,college or in Marine Corps training (PT, that is physical training in our case,not Physical Therapy) several times a week.
Thankfully she has taken our advice and purchased a "Life Alert" necklace. She's considering moving to an assisted living community, and we're taking her to see some this week. Luckily they're all close to us, and will accept her cat as well. Pets can help the elderly, disabled or just about anyone, with their "unconditional love". Mom's thrilled she can take her "companion" (cat) with her, whenever she moves, real estate is kind of slow here.
Now, in return for your comments, I'd like to remind everyone with an elderly parent who lives alone some basic safety tips: they need plenty of outdoor lighting for walking to the patio and for security. "Home Invasions" are more common now than a few years back. Burglars almost always selected unoccupied homes in their day, today they can be bolder. Alarm Systems can give your parent a sense of well being, and a degree of security, however the elderly often forget to turn the alarm off or on. Police respond to thousands of false alarms, generally the first few are free, but some cities, I should say MANY cities will charge residents for frequent false alarms (more money out of Mom or Dads pocket). Charging for frequent false alarms is justified, as some unknowingly/knowingly abuse the system, creating delays in police/Medic response for other calls and emergencies. NO GUNS, period. Dogs help also, a German Shepherd is ideal, but too hard for the elderly to care for and train, small dogs make noise, intruders often avoid noise, so even a tiny dog can be helpful, by "sounding the alarm" . Have someone trim bushes away from windows and doorways, bushes are wonderful places for prowlers to hide. Gas stoves...I don't need to explain that one. Buy a couple smoke alarms and install them for Mom or Dad, don't forget to check the batteries, say on New Years Day or a Birthday, so you don't forget. Of course I can't guarantee their safety 100%, but I hope these suggestions and some common sense will help someone! Brochures on safety for the elderly are generally available at police and fire stations, hospitals and doctors offices. Life Alert necklesess are available from AARP and other senior citizens organizations...in our case Mom's costs about $30.00 a month, well worth it ! Shop around, I know someone who pay's $60.00 a month. Every penny Mom or Dad saves helps in today's economy ! (Our newspaper declared the recession as being over...ahhh, in my humble opinion it's not over quite yet, not for seniors anyway, if Medicare or Medicaid is cut!!!). Thanks for your responses!
In my opinion "so what if she lies" is a form of denial, a way to ignore the problems she faces, that's why they have power of attorney. Someday soon she'll need her funds to pay for assisted living and as a loving son I want to make sure she has her money and isn't ripped off,we all know elderly people are prime targets for scam artists. Estimates of how many elderly people are taken advantage of are flawed because such crimes are grossly under reported, mostly because the victims are embarrassed. We're aware that chronic lies cannot be effectively treated at an advanced age. Thanks for all your replies.
Good luck.
You are really in a tough spot. Your Mom is one of those really independent people of her generation. However, her secretiveness only complicates your desire to help her. You may give it one more try to talk to her about her future. Pick a time when you are alone and she is in a receptive mood. Tell her that you worry that you do not know what her wishes are for the future: For example, where does she wish to live if the house becomes too much for her? What if she in unable to pay bills and handle finances? Tell her about the Power of Attorney and how it works - that it is there to protect her.
If she still does not respond, I don't think there is much else you can do. All of us want to think that we will always live independently, with no help from others...unfortunately, that is rarely the case.
Good Luck,
Lilli
I would contact the Alz. Association for advice. You may have to become her guardian (legally) for her own protection. If she is speding money on dubious causes and shady people, then, as her only family, you need to get involved. Is there a clergy member or friend whom she trusts who can intercede? You may have to resort to tough love and do what is in the best long-term interests of your Mom. So sorry for your situation...there's never a good answer when Alz. sets in. It seems like it is just intensifying her already secretive behavior.
Good luck,
Lilli
Many times, people who grew up in the depression era do not trust ANYONE...so don't take it personally.
If she gets to a point where she needs help, just do the humane things that you would do for any human being in need and that's it. She has made her wishes known.
I feel your pain, however. My Mom spent her life telling me that she did not want her family involved and did not want to live with family. And now, things are quite different. So be prepared for either event, but you will never force her to come clean.
Btw, where is she living now?