Before Mom was moved to a small group home, for her stage 6 dementia, Dad wanted us (my husband and I) to bring both of them into our home, and hire extra help for Mom, knowing I couldn’t do it. They were living in AL and Dad hated it. He lived there to be with Mom. At that time, he said he’d pay us 1/2 of what they were paying at AL, which was around $7k, and I said no, and it was hard, but we simply cannot, mentally or physically take both of them in. A year later, Mom was moved to a group hospice home and Dad refuses to stay in AL where they were living together.He is 92, but very independent and still drives. I then told him he could stay with us “until” the dust settles and we see how things work. It’s been 6 months and my husband is not liking it. I approached the money subject with Dad, and he made me feel like we owe him and he won’t pitch in monthly. Now things feel strained with him AND hubby. Feel free to tell me I’m foolish for allowing it to happen! I know it. But now what?…..
And now it's affecting your marriage which of course should come WAY before your dad.
So time to tell your dad that his trial period is over as it's just not working for you, and that you'll be more than happy to help him find a new assisted living facility for him to move into.
Give him a time frame, like a month, and then make sure you stick to your guns, and make sure he is out in a month.
Your dad doesn't get to rule your household, you and your husband do, just in case you forgot that.
I wish you well in finding a new place for your dad to move to.
Once Mom went to Hospice, Independent Dad should have gotten his own place, instead of weasel his way into your home. What nerve to not pay anything for 6 months! Why exactly does he think you "owe him?" Does your Dad think life is a free ride? That mortgages, utilities and groceries are free? He's old enough to know better, and needs to get booted right out. He should have plenty of money to move somewhere he wants, since he saved himself $42,000 the last 6 months, mooching off you! I would be fuming he refused to pay anything when you asked!
Did Dad take his own elderly parents into his home and let them live there free?
I doubt it. Yes, it was a mistake to let him move in, but you had a weak moment...don't make the same mistake again! After 6 months, if he gets mail there he has established legal residence. He can make it very hard for you to get him out.
You & Hubby need to sit Dad down, tell him the "dust has settled" and time for him to get his own place. You can't afford supporting him and don't like waiting on someone that refuses to pay his way. Give him a target date to move out. He drives, so he can check out places himself. If he complains you "owe him" tell him you just saved him $42,000 and you don't owe him ANYTHING.
Remind Dad it's your home and you & Hubby run the show, not him. Let him stomp and yell, and don't budge. The 6 month test run proved he is a freeloader, ungrateful and selfish. Don't agree to let him stay, even if he offers money.
You owe him nothing, don't feel guilty. His big mistake was refusing to pay you ANYTHING, even when you asked. That was totally disrespectful to you. Hopefully he will pack it up and leave without a fight. He can get a room at a motel and see what paying his own way is all about. Don't cave!!!
Your home is your husband's home also and if he is unhappy with the arrangement after six months, then the arrangement needs to end. Forcing your dad to pay, even if it was possible, which it sounds like it isn't, doesn't solve the issue. Moving him does. You need to work with him to find a new place for him to live. Remind him that he had an extra six month's worth of income/savings from not paying while he had lived with you, and you were glad to do it, but the arrangement was never meant to be permanent, and now is the time for him to find a new place. Just don't blame it on your husband not wanting him there; show a united front with your husband.
I know it's way easier said than done, but It must be done. Let us know how it goes.
It’s more difficult getting them placed in assisted living if they live with you , rather than ( eventually ) living alone unsafe . I did a lot for my parents , but drew the line at living together .
For the record your husband is right . Why should Dad get a free ride ?
The better option is for him to get his own place. The current arrangement is not going to work out long term.
BEFORE THE MOVE IN
1. You sit together with everyone in the household and agree to GIVE THIS A TRY only; to reassess it together every 6 months. When it isn't working for ONE PERSON then it isn't working.
2. You agree that as elders get more ill they will require several shifts of several workers on each to care for them. That isn't sustainable in your home. When the time comes the change will be made and when ONE person believes it is time, then it is time.
3. You agree next as to what changes (grab bars, w/c ramps, et al) need to be done and who will pay for them.
4. You attend an attorney and complete POA and all needed paperwork including wills, advance directives and you assign whomever and discuss wishes.
5. At the same attorney meeting you discuss SHARED LIVING EXPENSES for mortgage, cleaning and help with elder care, costs of food and who will cook, and cost of ingredients, cost of transportation and who will drive, and SO ON. Shared living expenses aren't tax. RENTAL is! Important to know and the attorney will hep you to know a whole lot of other things.
6. Privacy concerns. What are the rules for when you are together and when you have privacy.
7. You must learn how to keep meticulous records. Giving money for shared expenses cannot look like gifting or it could preclude your elder getting assistance when needed for future care in coming years. You will keep records if you must take on the payment of bills and etc as the POA. Whether father can do this now or not is irrelevant as the time is coming soon when he cannot.
8. Do not attempt to set your husband straight. An attorney will do this for you. If he insists on doing it the wrong way I would move out and let him.
That is how this is done.
If these measures are not taken then all concerned will be very, very sorry and very, very angry.
Good luck.
My bil, an attorney and her personal representative, handled all the financial aspects of her being with us, including a check for $1,500 a month to us to cover our expenses. I protested, thinking, "This is family, you don't make family pay." But he was insistent and said it was the right thing to do, considering the disruption to our lives. I did come to appreciate the money each month. It was the right thing to do.
So, I am agreeing with your husband that your dad needs to contribute financially. But I will go one step farther and agree with most of the posters here and say it is time for dad to find an appropriate place to live. Prioritize your marriage.
While there were many rewarding things about having mil stay here (she told me stories no one else will ever know, she shared her cooking tips, family came to visit more), there was also the stress of being the one who carried the responsibility not for just her, but also for my disabled husband. You need to consider the cost to yourself as well your own family life when thinking about dad staying with you long-term. There will come a time when he will need more than just a place to live. It sounds like he doesn't need AL now, so an apartment in a senior community might be the best way to start. Maybe he didn't like where he was before because it was AL and not independent, something to talk to him about.
Wishing you all the best!
You're foolish to have told Dad, No. Now he expects to not have to pay anything. And unfortunately, it also sounds like Dad might not be cognitively adept as he used to be, IF before this he was a fair and reasonable man, but is not now. With all the money he has saved, get him to prepay for his funeral and burial, if he hasn't already, and then take him to go look at some really nice INDEPENDANT living facilities in the area, that are within his logical budget.
Particularly if you are doing ANYTHING for him. (driving them to appointments, helping him with ADL's, helping them with medication management and so on)
How many parents charge adult children rent when they move back home? (Probably more should but that's another topic)
Your dad is using your water, electric, garbage service
He should pay a fair % of ALL household expenses.
If there are 3 of you in the house they pay 1/3 of the mortgage and homeowners insurance , all utilities and services (so half the gas, electric, garbage, water cable and if you pay for lawn service)
If he do not agree to pay his portion then he can begin looking for another place to live.
Not going to tell you are foolish but you do have to set boundaries and give him the ground rules. If he refuses then he can return to AL facility so begin the search now.