I have been estranged from my mother for 6 years.For 5 of those years I wasn't in contact with her at all (blocked her numbers, emails,etc). I live out of state (2,000 miles away). Recently, I have been made aware that she isn't paying her bills (HOA dues-lien will be filed at the end of the month; property taxes were due in December and remain unpaid and collecting more fines). Her next door neighbor called me yesterday and said she is driving with an expired license and last week disregarded notices of roadwork on her street and drove through barriers (cones, etc). In October, 2023 I opened a case with a social worker because of concerns. I don't think she opened the door for them, although they can't disclose their interactions with her. I have called the police department for welfare checks and she won't answer the door for them either. I'm at a loss as to how to help her. She owns her home (no mortgage) and the most prudent thing to do is keep her in her own home since it is "free". She won't let anyone help her and just wants to be placed in assisted living. My problem is how can she afford that? She lives in a HCOL state. If she were to sell her home it would take a long time to clean it up and do any necessary repairs. She basically lives like a hermit. She says she doesn't remember when she last showered and has lost 40 pounds. During the pandemic she didn't get her toenails trimmed for over 2 years. I am unwilling to be responsible for her finances as she has accused my sister (also estranged) of stealing from her.
What will happen is that eventually APS will get her on track for a court-appointed legal guardian who will get her medical and custodial care whether she cooperates of not. They will most likely sell her house if she's no longer living in it.
"The most prudent thing to do is keep her in her own home..."
Mom is driving dangerously, has lost 40 pounds, doesn't recall when she showered, and in the past didn't get her toenails trimmed for over two years!!! And you think she can go on living in her home? Without anyone to help her?
I understand that you're at the end of your rope, but how you reached your conclusion about what is prudent escapes me. Maybe someone else will not embrace this same delusion and will figure out a way to keep her alive. You've done a lot, you've tried, and you might as well step back and let mom waste away into a sliver (that stinks) and hobble around on her long toenails until she kills someone with her car and gets hauled away to a psych ward.
Hello, estrangement, my old friend.
I am in a similar situation with an estranged family member, Document from afar and keep informed is the best help you can give her.
Talk this over with a counselor/therapist if you have to.
If she is cognizant she can continue to live the way she is.
As to not paying property tax, that will probably be resolved when she dies as a lien will be placed on her property. (If her property taxes are more than what the house is worth they can file for eviction but no agency wants to "own" property and the debt will be settled when she dies.)
If the neighbor calls again tell them that they should file a complaint with the local police.
You seem to have done what you need to getting various agencies to make sure that she is alright.
If you have had no contact or made another call to APS since 2023 you might want to make another call and then leave it in their hands.
I am sure others will reply to your post and their advice may be better than mine but there must be a valid reason that you have been estranged.
There is, I am certain, good reason for that.
You have a blood connection and no other.
She is no cooperative or asking for care.
You have reported to the proper authorities.
Continue to do so if you wish but do not accept any responsibility for her; let the state take guardianship.
If she dies in her own home then know she will have died in a manner most of us hope and pray to accomplish and that she lived her life as she chose to live it.
All our stories stop with......................
THE END.
Call them today and report a vulnerable adult living by themselves who is reluctant to help, but desperately needs it. They will then come out and do an assessment and take things from there. Your mom will then become a ward of the state, and they will make sure she's taken care of and placed.
At this point I would say be grateful that you live 2000 miles away. Your mom is NOT your responsibility, so let APS take over going forward.
Her property might go to auction though for unpaid taxes. In Mississippi, for example, they don’t play. If you don’t pay your taxes, it goes to sheriff sale. And you don’t have a lot of time to right the situation before the auction. It’s swift.