My mother is living with my sister for the last 6 months, due to my mom being diagnosed with dementia. I am a five hour drive away and I come home at least once a month and stay 5 to 7 days to care for her and give my sister a break, I am still working. My sister is retired. Mother has made me the co-owner of her bank account and request I handle her bills and she has made me the executor of her will, I gave my sister $1,000 a month to help with the bills/ food which is basically her whole social security check . I have given her at least $30,000 out of my mom account to repair her home. She's always complaining about her. Bill has double and it's so hard on her taking care of mom, her daughter help her. I recommend a CNA come in and help her out at least 4 hours a day three times a week, I had set that up for her and the bill was coming to me, she refuse, she sent Paperwork for me to sign from the lawyer saying I waiver all of my right and she is requesting conservatship of my mother, since I'm there monthly only, I should be removed from being over my mom finance, I have helped with my mom. I bought her clothes sheets about food and other items that she needs. I did not get the money out of mom bank account. I also took Medical leave for a month to help care for my mom, and I took off every other week to help with mom, because I've taken so much time from work. I only come once a month now. Please provide feedback And give me your opinion. Do you think my rights should be wavier? I was just trying to honor my mother's request, I have not borrowed money from her and did not pay her and so she trusts me.
I see below in responses that you wrote that your sister shouldn't have any problems because she can "use the debit card any time she wants."
Oh, oh, Kitty. It is now clear to me that you do not understand being a POA/conservator, guardian/co-owner of an account that is your MOTHER'S property.
If you are managing her funds and her care then you are responsible to keep meticulous records of every penny into and out of this account. You should have files for receipts and expenditures.
I think that I at this point would recommend you see an Elder Law Attorney with your questions. I am now afraid that any opinions from a mess of strangers is just going to add to the confusion already afoot here.
If you don't have financial and medical POA, you really can't do anything now Mom has Dementia. You cannot sign anything over to your sister. Your on the accts so you can pay Moms bills. Sister cannot be added because Mom has to allow that. Your sister cannot get conservatorship until she goes to court. Your Mom has to be declared incompetent to make informed decisions. Conservatorship is not cheap. Sis maybe able to deduct the cost from Moms assets but she has to win. Since Mom put you on her accts and not sister that shows Mom wanted you to handle her bills. A judge may not honor sisters request. You would need to be at the court date too to tell ur side.
I was a caregiver for my beautiful mom who passed away a couple years ago. She was in her seventh year of dementia when she passed. Now I am finishing my calling by being a caregiver to my Pop who will be 90 years old this year.
Based on my experience, this is what I have to offer.
As strange as this seems, once a routine was established between my folks (the loved ones) and me (the relative caregiver), it was and still is very difficult to have another person in the home who requires accommodations. Even professional, in-home care requires adjustments that will disrupt a "working" routine. If your sister is already overwhelmed, the idea of having someone else in the home may feel more like a burden than a blessing. The caregiver is typically the best person to suggest what will help lighten the load. If you do not trust your sister's discernment or are worried that your mom's care is compromised, you can always request a wellness check through their local police department.
Before you start borrowing, lending or distributing money out of your mom's bank account(s), I would create a binder and record anything that leaves her "estate." The best of intentions can be perceived differently by different people when spending someone else's money, so the best way to protect your mom's financial standing is to track expenditures and keep receipts. If your sister has the authority to spend your mom's money, ask her for receipts and let her know you are tracking expenditures for tax purposes.
I am blessed in that I am a co-signer on my Pop's accounts; however, I am living off my savings. I'm very conscientious of preserving as much of my Pop's money as possible because we don't know what his next level of care will require. I want to work but will not do that until my Pop has taken up residence in heaven.
Over the time I've lived in my parent's home as their caregiver, my greatest needs have been getting proper sleep (my Pop wakes up at 3 AM) and seeing my friends, who are now out of state. Almost all of my relationships are maintained virtually or over the phone.
I wish I could offer better advice. It looks like your desire is to do the right thing. It is not a surprise if this season is putting a lot of strain on your relationship with your sister. Patience, grace and forgiveness are the answer, but I know these are very high standards when everyone is in pain.
God bless all of you. ~ Vanessa
At this point, the mother's financial "wishes" don't really matter anymore. The person whose wishes should be considered here is the sister who the mother lives with. The sister who provides 24/7-365 care to the mother with dementia in her own home. This person is the one whose wishes should be getting honored.
The mother's day-to-day life and there quality of it is more important than what name she wanted on her bank account whenshe was still mentally competent. The OP does not claim the mother is being poorly cared for in the sister's house. Or neglected and abused. Her quality of life is surely better at her retired daughter's house than it would be in a memory care facility.
The OP should give the sister whatever she's asking for because the demands are not unreasonable. It's makes sense that the one doing all the work should have full control of all the money and assets too. A LTC facility certainly would.
Have you offered your sister the amount you're willing to pay for the CNA hours? Offer it to her and see what she says.
It makes sense that you shouldn't be handling your mother's finances. Your sister who lives there and does all the caregiving should. You don't even live near them. So any time your sister wants or needs to make a purchase it has to go through you five hours away? That doesn't make any sense.
If your sister is the one doing all of the caregiving for your mother, the doctor's appointents, and deals with a person with dementia 24/7 she should have full control of any and all money and assets your mother has. Also, you should be kicking in financially considering you really aren't responsible for any of your mother's care other than coming to visit once a month.
It is unbelievable and insulting to your sister and every other caregiver in her situation that you would even mention not being paid back for clothes, bedsheets, and food you've bought your mother. Who pays your sister back for the 24/7-365 care she provides to your mother. The $1,000 a month is a joke. If your mother is as poor as you say, your sister is also shelling out money for her needs as well as being her round-the-clock caregiver.
Do the right thing and sign the paperwork from the lawyer. Or figure out a different care arrangement for your mother. Like moving her to your home and hiring live-in caregivers. Or putting her in LTC. If you think her care with your sister is expensive, try the alternatives to it. Sign the paperwork.
Your mother should now be in placement.
You can't be playing games with money/who can do the care/who works/who's there/ where's the money.
Your mom needs the help of several shifts of several people each shift now. She will be self-pay while able and while she has funds and then will enter onto Medicaid.
You were made executor of any will after she dies. It's unlikely that will be a problem; she's unlikely to end with money needing now to enter care.
NOW is the problem and now requires perhaps the help of BOTH APS and/or an elder law attorney.
If you aren't POA now, APS may be able to get your temporary guardianship thru a call to a judge, so try that first. They are FREE.
If not, use mom's money for Elder Law Lawyer.
Keep meticulous files of all expenditures from that joint account, every penny into and out of it. Any problems otherwise could see Sister calling APS and making claims against you.
To me this situation--you not being there and sister with all these problems giving care, is not manageable long distance.
I wish you the best of luck.
P.S:
DO NOT SPEND YOUR OWN money, whatever you do. It takes a lifetime to end up with any funds to help yourself in age. I know. I am 82.
Or the OP could just make it easy and sign the paperwork from the lawyer that the sister (who is already managing all of the care herself) s requesting anlet her decide what other care arrangements she wants to make for the mother.