My Father moved in and is taking over my life. I feel terribly guilty when I don't entertain him, what can I do?
Last year at 78, Dad moved from his lifelong home in rural NY to CA and moved in with my family. In the last year he has undergone tremendous medical care from years of neglecting himself. We got him hearing aids and glasses. He's had surgery for 3 hernias, 2 surgeries to help with facial deformities due to Bells Palsy, fell and broke back which is when they discovered an abdominal aneurysm which he has surgery for. While doing scans for that a mass in his lungs was discovered; testing is inconclusive, a biopsy can't be done because of location so CTs will be done at 3 month intervals to monitor for change.
He still drives although he doesn't like to. I've introduced him to the senior center but he won't go. He won't do anything without me. I feel like he is taking over my life. When I went to NY to get him, I switched from full time work to part time. This summer when his medical needs were at their greatest, I went to sub work. So, having him here has taken away 2/3 of my income, the savings has been depleted and I need to return to work, full time so we have the benefits.
My big stress is that dad won't do anything without me and lays on the guilt when I don't want to go and "do something" everyday. I love my dad but I don't enjoy the casino or fishing which are his only interests.
Help!!! Please, any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
Could he putter in your yard, read a book or do puzzles. Can he still make himself a sandwich for lunch? Does your local library, community hall, church or YMCA have any fun classes or events he may take in? Even if he was playing cards with another senior or watching John Wayne movies, it is better than making you feel like the sole entertainment committee. This is not a cruise ship, this is your home!! If you are coddling him now, it will only get worse later on.
Most senior centers have a weekly lunch event or outing. You may have to go with him a couple of times. Good luck, but you need to find ways for him to be independent enough for you to get to work more than you are doing now! Good luck!
I know it is hard, as our parents want us to be Julie McCoy, your cruise director, but not all of us can do that. I remember my Dad wanted me to quit work so that I could spend more time driving him and Mom all over hill and dale.... I asked Dad is he had quit his job to take care of his parents.... his answer was no.... thus I refuse to stop working as I need my own funds for retirement, too.
Wow, your Dad has gone through a lot of medical issues. Note that sometimes the meds given for these issues can make a person feel unsure of themselves, that is why your Dad always wants you around him. Oh if only he had a buddy to take him fishing or to the casino. Ask the senior center if they have trips to the casino, some of them do. That way he can meet people and find new friends. I know, easier said then done.
And thank you for the suggestion of going with him to the senior center luncheon. I got him info on it but maybe if I take him. . .
As another said, you need to level with him.... he had his chance in life to earn a living , now you need to do the same. You will need to keep working to pay into social security and put away for retirement and support your daily needs.
The best mantra given to me to help me when I feel any guilt is "I am responsible to, not for my dad". You have been responsible to so far. Take of the need to be responsible for his social life and happiness. That is not your role. You can let this suck you dry if you let it. Your sentence tells me you don't feel you have a right to your own life, but that he has a right to it. Boundaries are hard to set at times, but you will feel better if you do.
By the way, his SSI should be going towards your income.
Perhaps if you leveled with him and said "on this day, you and I can do something" but only then. You've set your boundary and yet you are still going someplace with him once a week. It's up to him to figure out the rest. You must get back to work.
Good for you for writing in here to get some support. So many people are in your shoes.
You have already done soooooooo much! Congratulate yourself! And keep congratulating yourself every day.
Go back to work. You cannot afford to neglect your family's well being.
Your dad will have to adjust. We all are capable of adjusting. If he gets lonely enough, he may go to the senior center. Or not. We cannot say. Old habits are hard to break. My mom has now been in two ALs and no matter where she is, she will only play bridge. Nothing else. She will not join in the activities, parties, exercise, excursions, nothing. It is very frustrating for the staff. (My mom also would prefer that I come every day and entertain her--like the cruise director, I liked that. I do go every day when I am in PA but we spend half our time in NC, just as my mom spent half her time in Florida at my age.)
So, as I was saying, if it is frustrating for a professional staff that my mom won't join in, why should you blame yourself for the same situation. As many say, it is what it is. For you and your dad. He must adjust, just as you have adjusted--and all will continue to adjust as the changes keep coming.
Big hug and good luck.
I agree that if you went to the senior center with him a few times and helped him make friends, that could be of some benefit. But you need to be up front with him and tell him that you can't sacrifice financially or you will all be in trouble - including him. Let him know that this is about loving him and the rest of your family. He needs to find some activities that he can do without you if he wants a social life.
You might want to go online to www.aging.gov and find CA under state services. See what links look useful for you and explore them. You may come up with some good ideas and/or some services that your dad qualifies for when you go back to work.
Most of all, ban guilt! You have done so much and will continue to do everything that you can - if you take care of yourself. Otherwise, you won't be much help for your dad or anyone.
Carol
As the cycle of life goes, your Dad will get more and more dependent on you and lay on the guilt stronger and stronger if you allow it. (we can only be a door mat if WE choose to lie down next to their door!)
Think back to basic parenting skills. Kids will pretty much try anything to get what they want from their parents, whether it is in the best interest of the family unit or not. YOU are the "adult" now, and what YOU says goes. As mentioned in previous answers, congratulate yourself on what you HAVE done and get help for yourself on how to be strong to take best care of yourself. The situation will only get worse and worse the older he gets. The "rules" need to be laid down NOW. Trust everyone here on this site. "Been there, done that" can be a huge help for those just entering the years of "helping" an older parent. Notice the word "helping"! The words, live in maid, live in entertainer, live in CNA, taxi driver, etc. are not included in "helping". Do you have other siblings? The work needed to care for Dad now, needs to be divided so that you are not the only one getting burnt out. If you are "done" in the next year or two, where does that leave Dad?
I am not sure if this is a good idea or not: (I hope others will weigh in..)
Print out this post to your Dad and let him know you are the one who wrote in for advice. Use this as a conversation starter on better communication between the two of you. What does the group think? Is this a silly idea?
Kate
ps. For those who have been following my particular situation with my 2 older brothers, Mom has chosen not to speak or see them for close to 2 years now. Very pathetic situation. She has been in rehab for over a month now with pancreantitis (sp?), gall stone problems, etc. and they don't even know. (her choice) Thank you for everyone's support!!
We have not succeeded in getting him to attend any senior activities. He is 82 with a birthday next week. He just always looks pitiful. Home health has been a god send for us, and they have encouraged him as well to do things, but he hasn't. I wonder if it is harder for men. We also wonder if he would have been happier in NJ, as we moved him here last year to LA.
My husband knows that he needs to go back to work as well and we are worried what to do with his dad. Will we be able to find a sitter? My mom will watch our little girl if we both go back to work for a while thankfully.
You hang in there, I agree with others here. This is an awesome thread for me too, knowing we are not alone. I worry now that my husband and I will not be able to retire.
My in-laws moved in with us 2 years ago and I quit my job to be the stay at home caregiver.
The local senior center is a great resource. You can try dropping your dad off once week for classes or just to get out of the house and if nothing else, he can complain to the other seniors about you.
Also, check with his doctors to see what his health is like and what his medications are.
I agree with the other posts that your dad should have some source of income to take care of his financial needs. Have a honest conversation about finances and what bills each person is responsible for.
Good luck and remember to you have to take care of yourself first.
You didn't mention if your Dad has Alzhiemer's or anything, so I don't know if this will help you, but my mother had become very consuming and wanted only me with her constantly. I agree with so many other post here, the first thing I had to learn was BONDARIES. There are things in you life you need and have to do and there are things in your life you just want to do, and there is nothing wrong with that. Don't let guilt get in the way of balance. One thing I have done for my mom which seemed to help is I got a large picture frame and turned the inside around so that it looked like a whiteboard. Then I took a dry erase marker and every night I would write into the frame what I would be doing the next day and what my mother should be doing. That included days when I would not be able to spend the day with her or if someone else would bring her a meal. I would number it and WRITE It DOWN. I had to keep it simple and as her condition became worse it didn't work as well, but for awhile it was a total stress reliever. It seemed to help her balance out her constant need for me and gave me back some of my own life. Writing it down for her helped me see where I needed to be more realistic with myself.
As also suggested, get help. I went through the Dept. Of Aging in my state and got a Provider who came in 2hrs every day of the week. They also helped me get my mom on the Meals-on-wheels program freeing up one meal a day. And lastly, I made my mother take up a hobby, knitting, something she had done when she was younger. I just kept encouraging her and encouraging and oohing and awing over what she made until she went from fighting me on it to enjoying it. I now have blankets all over my house and stacked in the closet, but it focused her attention on something other than me.
Most importantly, get rid of the guilt. It is a wasted emotion that does nothing for you or your Dad. You sound like an awesome kid whose given more than your Dad could ever have expected, and if he was younger and healthier he would tell you that himself. Aging and illness do terrible things to the mind, but not to the heart that is still in there somewhere. Be proud of what you have done and be realistic about what you can do. And take care of yourself, a difficult lesson to learn, but a necessary one for everyone involved. My prayers are with you.
Find a Board and Care home in your town where he could live and be cared for. Love does not mean what you are doing.
You don't mention dementia, but I would bet on it. With his age, long-time neglect of his health, and all the major procedures he's had done, he's almost certainly dealing with a little cognitive impairment. That's one more reason why he won't be able to see what his demand are doing to you. He only sees that you continue to do it.
My situation improved when (after months of asking him to agree to go to the senior center) I called the center and the transport agency and arranged for him to go there three days a week. Then I informed him that the plans had been made and they would pick him up Monday at 8:00. I gave him the phone numbers if he decided to cancel them, but I would not be available those three days regardless. Then I said a friendly good-bye and left. BINGO! He started going to the senior center three days a week. Hasn't missed a day since.
YOU ARE IN CHARGE. That's my own mantra that I'm sharing with you. Your Dad isn't imposing upon you, you're allowing yourself to be imposed upon. Think about what you're expecting...for him to change a situation that he's perfectly happy with. You're the one who is suffering, you're the one who needs to change things. Both you and your dad will be better off.
PS - regarding the money situation. STOP using your money. Dad is living with you and you should hold the purse strings – both yours and his. Make sure his finances are in order and "put on your own life preserver first." You're going to be old some day yourself.
Setting boundaries--very important.
I really liked the suggestions to just tell Dad--hey--did you quit working to care for your folks? and, simply telling him, if you don't go back to work ALL of you will be homeless--working is a way of "taking care of/honoring your elders"; it is not just tea and sympathy one on one.
Your working, is like people on a plane...the plane's in trouble, you put on YOUR O2 mask FIRST, THEN try to help others!
Dad of course, won't like being left alone while you are at work, and, he might also expect you to spend all your off-hours with him as well--you must put realistic limits on that, too, because your off-hours must have time for you to rest and recuperate.
Your local Area Agency on Aging, might have suggestions, even for vetted volunteers to come visit with Dad at home, or accompany him to various places.
Good luck!
And ditch the guilt--you've already gone waaaay above-and-beyond the call-of-duty, in taking care of Dad!
Please don't feel guilty though. You have to go back to work and take care of your family's needs and your own needs too. It sounds harsh but I've had to just develop a thicker skin to my dad's expectations over time so I don't torment myself with guilt.
Inflexibility and attachment to the familiar and the routine seems to be a pattern with old age but I know elders who defy that pattern too. I hope your dad can be open to some new experiences. Keep us posted.
with a demanding BIL I've come up with another one the "I" in Life is not an individual.
An example when my adored & adorable foster sister was about 4 years old,
I mentioned something I'd done years before (there's a 19 year age gap ~
no prizes for guessing I'm the older one). Abigail looked shocked and said
"that can't have been, I wasn't even born then."
Cute at 4 to believe they are the center of the universe not so cute at 64
BIL's age or older. Sadly age & dementia seem to convince our cared for
that they are slap bang in the middle of Life.
Boundaries straight off and no lessening of them. Sounds awful I know,
but I quickly learnt that what I thought of as a treat immediately transferred
into accepted every day practise for BIL.
I have a lot of health issues of my own and it's kind of funny on his good
days to hear my BIL tell neighbours, strangers in shops, the tv how amazing
I am.
"Poor Lucy, she's run of her feet, well she would be if she wasn't in the
electric chair (my power wheelchair). She's in constant pain you know but anybody wants and she's right there meeting the need. I wish people
wouldn't take advantage." This from the man that sulks and tantrums when
I don't jump to his every whim :~)
I repeated to him this morning what he'd said to the man delivering groceries
I was trying to put away, while BIL got upset because I wouldn't drop
everything and go out Now.
I was rewarded by a big smile and "exactly if you weren't always doing things
for people you could help me." He takes up 80% of my life and we don't
share a home!
Love your cared for, BUT remember that where they are now, in the future
you could be in the same place. How does that get funded when every
penny went on them? Is this what you for your children when you're a senior?
Is this to be your Grandchildrens legacy, caring for their parents?
This should help belay the guilt. You saying "NO" now stops generations
getting caught up in this terrible place.
Because of better living standards we are all living/existing longer but it
the extended years don't guarantee extended health.
Our generation is the first one to experience seniors caring for senior plusses.
It's vital we get it right, so those after us get a chance at life, not just being carers.
The folks here have left some very good suggestions & ideas for you...I'm not able to add to it, as I feel all the issues have been covered...I will however, extend my compassion & encouragement to you...you have gone above & beyond for your Dad...I hope things get better for you soon.
So, as it turns out, my sister decided that she would come over four nights but I still go most every night. I enjoy his company but my dad needs to find more activities as well. He reads, goes put for biscuits and gravy every two weeks with a friend, and tinkers with cars and other projects. He is 83 years old.
I think their inclination is to think daughters should be there for them just like their wife was. Mom had Lewy Body dementia; he and my sister took care of her. Had to get dad new glasses and hearing aids - he is now more aware of his surroundings which is great!
Two days ago, he received a shock from his pacemaker. The first one since he survived the "widow-maker" five years ago. Took him to the hospital - he. Was a new man after flirting with all the nurses. My sense is your father is like mine, he is lonely and needs more interaction than he is getting.
I cannot do it and neither can you. Take him to the senior center. He will resist like mine does, but make him go. Best of luck - just know you are not alone in this struggle. We want to be there for our father but we have other demands and responsibilities as well. Better now than later!
I read a fabulous book that I think would help many here, "Love never sleeps" I can only remember the author as ? Rains. It is about two women who have the Mother of one come into their home when she develops dementia. It's painfully sad at times, and amusing and where many of us are whether our loved one lives with us or not.
With my Mom I could cut short a visit at my parents house by saying "I have laundry to do" and she fully understood. But not my Dad because my Mom was a stay-at-home person for 70+ years, she had all day to do the housework.... but that wasn't my world, I have worked at a career all my life, and Dad cannot relate why I don't have time to entertain him.... what Mom did all week to maintain the house, which she did beautifully, I have to cram into a weekend :P