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Last year at 78, Dad moved from his lifelong home in rural NY to CA and moved in with my family. In the last year he has undergone tremendous medical care from years of neglecting himself. We got him hearing aids and glasses. He's had surgery for 3 hernias, 2 surgeries to help with facial deformities due to Bells Palsy, fell and broke back which is when they discovered an abdominal aneurysm which he has surgery for. While doing scans for that a mass in his lungs was discovered; testing is inconclusive, a biopsy can't be done because of location so CTs will be done at 3 month intervals to monitor for change.

He still drives although he doesn't like to. I've introduced him to the senior center but he won't go. He won't do anything without me. I feel like he is taking over my life. When I went to NY to get him, I switched from full time work to part time. This summer when his medical needs were at their greatest, I went to sub work. So, having him here has taken away 2/3 of my income, the savings has been depleted and I need to return to work, full time so we have the benefits.

My big stress is that dad won't do anything without me and lays on the guilt when I don't want to go and "do something" everyday. I love my dad but I don't enjoy the casino or fishing which are his only interests.

Help!!! Please, any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.

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We celebrated Dads 80th yesterday. The family had a big party for him 2 weeks ago. Just my wife and I took him to dinner last night. We took him to watch a football game at my buddies house in the afternoon and I made him a cake. The funny thing is he thinks the game and my buddies were there for him (our regular weekly game time). So I let it slide. He was kind of slapping me with a few one liners until I had to reel him back into reality. He thinks its funny. As I always tell him "no stories about me in front of my friends".
It is hard to live with someone after you have been on your own. Last night I asked him to follow me this AM to take my car to the shop, I had to wake him up, then he diddles around the kitchen, does some laundry, gets some breakfast. Thus I am now late and the car wont be done till tomorrow. When I asked him to go to the game yesterday he was up and down the steps and out the door in 30 seconds. When it is something he wants to do hes like a cartoon, poof and hes gone.
My wife noticed he is an "I, MY", every conversation is about "I or my"..... he does not listen unless it is something he can gossip to on the next phone call. My wife can't talk about work or anything else she can't have repeated.
I try, believe me I try. At dinner he talks about all the foods he like (weird things my mom wouldn't make). As I tell him, the kitchen is there, buy what you want make what you want, clean up what you so.... He is a good cook but I don't like split pea soup, navy beans, stomach. liver, tongue or anything that licks or kicks me back...... I do all the cooking and the shopping so I cook what I like. The rule is if you buy it, you cook it, you clean it up.... He gets miffed when I don't like something he likes. I have made him lots of his favorites mom used to make but I cant be the chef, valet, etc....
He is not happy that I am not going on the annual hunt this year. I need a break with my wife alone and want to spend time with my kids over Thanksgiving (wed leave the day after and go for almost a week). So he is welcome to go and he is. He will spend T day with some of the step grand kids out of state. Most likely I will end up being the bad guy. Funny is he told me he called them, he told my sister he had not called them yet so who knows what he is doing......

Sorry for the rant but my head just hurts.......
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Goldilocks,

You have been through a lot, come back from a lot, and have done a lot! Wow! No one can take over our lives without us allowing them to because we don't have healthy or existent boundaries. You have your life, your marriage and your family to look after first. You need to set some boundaries to protect all these other areas of your life. I think other solutions for your dad need to be found.

I read over this thread quickly, so I may have missed this question already being asked. So, forgive me if it has already been asked. What does your husband and daughter think about all of this, plus what it is doing to you as well as to the family as a whole?
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The unfortunate part of being a care-giver is that we become task-oriented out of necessity while other family members are allowed to remain family members. We get taken for granted by them and by the person we are caring for.
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I second Joannes book recommendation. I've read it and it's excellent. So many adult children do not realize that they can set boundaries and have the right to do so. Also need to recognize when others don't have boundaries and trample on yours. Maybe your dad could even volunteer!? The hospitals love to have elderly people volunteer. Taking his mind off himself and thinking of others is one of the best ways to be happy.
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Goldilocks, get this book on Amazon. It's not expensive and is a paperback. Full of good ideas on setting boundaries: Boundaries Book By: Dr. Henry Cloud, Dr. John Townsend If your Dad needs to live with you, I would have that discussion about how you have to earn your own living, save for your own retirement because as elders today get older and older, they most frequently have to use all their investments for their own health care needs....thus no inheritance these days. NOT that you say that part to him, but you build off that notion that he had to keep on working and find other ways to help his parents during his working years too....and you cannot afford to end your life penniless....and surely he wouldn't want that either for you. If he is to stay with you, check into the aging program. Perhaps he can get Meals on Wheels....which does involve a couple people stopping by with food every day, and I know in most programs, they visit for a little bit and assess how the senior is doing alone at home. There are also senior day care programs, as one mentioned, where he could be picked up and brought home, and be with others, in all sorts of activities for 4-6 hours/day...go every day, or only certain days too. Perhaps it's also time to plan for getting POA, and getting his will in order, and medical power of attorney, while he is still alert. Is he a veteran by chance? He may be able to find resources from the local VFW or a veteran's group....and among that group, I am sure there would be some who also enjoyed fishing and the casino! Your job, as his daughter, is to keep him safe.....not to be his alter ego for the rest of his life! The book will help!
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If the money was there, my Mom would be in an AL. The local one requires 2yrs of income and then medicaid will take over. If Mom had the money thats where I would place her. I live in a 4 floor split level. Just not good for someone who can't do steps. With the economy here, can't sell my house without taking a loss. Have her in a day program 3x a week from 8 to 1:30. They pick her up and drop her off. Gives us time to ourselves. Gives her time with others her age.
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Can you father afford a senior living community? Do you have the time, patience and enthusiasm for setting up a network of activities for him, persuading him to try and reject them one-by-one, and support his struggles with socializing? No, then senior living is the best route. He may complain, manipulate (intentionally or subconsciously) and dig in his heels, but the battle will be worth winning the war (unlike the endless, sometimes soul-sucking battles it will take to get an old man to try to do something with his days that doesn't involve you).
Can you tell I'm speaking from the position of a daughter who's fed up with my role? I'm strongly advising you to do as I say and not as I do! : ) Good luck!
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I feel your pain, Dad moved in a year and a half ago after mom died because he ran out of money and was not taking care of himself. He could have moved in with sibling number 1 in the same town but sibling number 3 lost the toss and it was me. Fast forward 18 months and I have quite luxurious living accommodations for him in my home, his own living room (my former beautiful sunny office now I am in the basement). His own sunny bedroom and shared hall bath only when company comes. He has his car and money to cover his expenses (just barely). Watch his diabetic issues etc... Manage his finance (he is learning) I moved everything liquidated everything and have nursed him through one surgery. I feel guilty going out with my wife so I tend to stay home more, We entertain less with our friends..... He visits family (long drives I don't like). Now when he visits family I heard he complains to them about living with me that I am a task master on his food and medical (Ill take that, someone has to be the adult in charge). Tells everyone my wife "sits by the pool all summer and reads" (she is a special needs school teacher and deserves to decompress for 6 weeks and not make as much as she should be paid). Mom did everything. I did everything for a while until he had to take responsibility. He did not save for retirement and thus this is his situation. I feel your pain, I try to get out on my own, at least he is not an angry sort or the moving van would have showed up long ago.... I am trying to do date nights with my wife more often. Trying to develop the thick skin but it is hard..... I have gotten rid of most of the guilt but now the not quite anger but maybe just a tiny bit of resentment trickles in. I tell myself I am glad to have him here which I really am but it is hard.
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Looks like I may be putting Mom into daycare. Just went to check place out. Seems nice enough and has lots of activities. Will give Mom a shower and therapy if they feel needed. I think she will benefit from it since she sits all day. She gets to come a free day a week until paperwork is done. Going to go with it. Need time to myself. I was babysitting a baby then all this happened with Mom. It will give me and DH some time for ourselves.
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Those guilt trips are horrible indeed. It is necessary to realize they are not about you but about your Dad. He is not doing this intentionally but is literally dragging life out of you because of his own neediness. For his sake and yours you need to construct proper boundaries around yourself, make sure there is someone caring for him and go out to do the things you need to do. Please find a competent counselor/therapist and ask about the meaning of codependency as an emotional issue in your dad. Tell the counselor exactly what is going on.
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Don't laugh. I am getting a dog in two weeks and have been reading lots of dog training books. What do they say over and over?

Take control, be the pack leader, set boundaries, rules and limitations. This is so that life runs smoothly and everyone, including the dog, gets what he/she needs. Including a bit of uninterrupted peace.

How many people, elders and youngers, need to have boundaries, rules, and limitations. IF IT IS SO SIMPLE THAT A DOG CAN DO IT, then we all need to be doing it, too.
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Agreed with the person who said this seems to be harder on men than women to stay socially active. My father insists he's not depressed and doesn't need an active social life, but what he really wants is my mother and I'm the closest thing to it. I'm resisting moving in with him. He has dementia and will not be able to live alone much longer. We are looking at AL but the one thing he really loves is where he lives now. I can't see him taking the initiative to join in the activities in AL. They have activities where he lives now that he doesn't participate because he can't think clearly and has mobility issues. We did attend a Daycare for a few hours and even though they were very nice, I don't think he needs that much supervision/structure yet. I just need to find him some friends. So far, the Senior Center doesn't offer anything he is interested in.
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Tell him you need to pull in an income so that you all can eat, for one.
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I hear of this so often...
A relative puts off going to the doc and then dies at 65, an extended family member weighs 450# and he dies of a 7 cm stroke at age 66, a friend knows something's wrong and when she finally gets herself to the doc, she has Lupus. I am sorry for your dad.
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Another thought.... there are times I believe that our parents still view us as a "child" with no adult responsibilities. Thus being the child we have all he free time in the world to play.

With my Mom I could cut short a visit at my parents house by saying "I have laundry to do" and she fully understood. But not my Dad because my Mom was a stay-at-home person for 70+ years, she had all day to do the housework.... but that wasn't my world, I have worked at a career all my life, and Dad cannot relate why I don't have time to entertain him.... what Mom did all week to maintain the house, which she did beautifully, I have to cram into a weekend :P
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Those people who have children, remember nursery, playgroup, school? Those first tearful times when little hands were slipped free from yours and you walked away masking tears as desolate, tear filled entreaties not to be abandoned were made. Yet you went, because it was right and the children were safe and in time they made friends and were happy. Sometimes we have to do something similar with elders.
I read a fabulous book that I think would help many here, "Love never sleeps" I can only remember the author as ? Rains. It is about two women who have the Mother of one come into their home when she develops dementia. It's painfully sad at times, and amusing and where many of us are whether our loved one lives with us or not.
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I know how you feel but the best advice has already been given. I moved from Florida to Washington State after my mom passed away to help my dad. My sister and niece live here as well. He still wants both of us to be at his house for dinner at 5 pm every night. He cooks for us - who can beat that - BUT, we are expected to be there every night.
So, as it turns out, my sister decided that she would come over four nights but I still go most every night. I enjoy his company but my dad needs to find more activities as well. He reads, goes put for biscuits and gravy every two weeks with a friend, and tinkers with cars and other projects. He is 83 years old.
I think their inclination is to think daughters should be there for them just like their wife was. Mom had Lewy Body dementia; he and my sister took care of her. Had to get dad new glasses and hearing aids - he is now more aware of his surroundings which is great!
Two days ago, he received a shock from his pacemaker. The first one since he survived the "widow-maker" five years ago. Took him to the hospital - he. Was a new man after flirting with all the nurses. My sense is your father is like mine, he is lonely and needs more interaction than he is getting.
I cannot do it and neither can you. Take him to the senior center. He will resist like mine does, but make him go. Best of luck - just know you are not alone in this struggle. We want to be there for our father but we have other demands and responsibilities as well. Better now than later!
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dear ohm7...JUST START SAYING NO...you will feel relief immediately!! y ou are NOT abusing your dad by saying no...you are setting your bounderies...eventually you won't even feel guilty!
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Oh man I sure needed to read these messages. I'm in a stuck situation too my mom has alit of health and heart problems and now is starting dementia. Dad is a mess and he is 83 he worries to the point he actually starts shaking.i put my mom I asst living and dad wanting to go there 24/7...let me add my Momission an angry person.demanding and belittling my dad. My dad is awesome.he used to joke all the time everywhere he went he was strong , educated , wise , worked for the government . Now he wants mom home ... But the angry and how do we take care of her??? I am a product of guilt too. I want to cure the world and do my best to do it. My husband is wonderful and supports my parents in all ways. But we're tired.and running out of money.so many of us thinking we are alone and yet so many doing exactly what I am doing. I don't know how to learn to say no. Goldilocks I totally feel you. Hugs.
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Goldilocks...you have to set bounderies!! of course he's going to run your life if you let him. He will get use to you not giving in to his demands. So sad that seniors will be adamant about living on their own until their health is shattered physically and mentally. is there a senior center where you can drop him off! maybe after you leave him there a couple of times...he might like it? GOOD LUCK...and whatever you do...DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP...do what's best for YOU now!!
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I'm so glad to hear most of you say we to be there for our parents but not allow them to take over our lives. My thing is, as long as we make sure they are fed, clean, warm and have a decent place to live we have done our jobs. Now I read thur quickly and I didn't see anyone mention that self centered comes with Dementia, if you want to call it that. We become our parents world. They know they can no longer "do" so they rely on us. I have a split level and Mom, because it's easy to get in and out of my house, is in the bottom level that used to be a family room. She has her bed, a lounge chair, her chest of drawers, closet and a bathroom with a shower. She has to go up six steps to get on what is considered my main level. Because of falling problems, we ask her to call if she wants to come up (doesn't always work). I can't stand someone following me around (this included my kids) and especially staring at me all the time (Mom does this). So, hate to say it, it's nice to be able to be on a floor that this isn't happening. Remember, your Dad had your Mom at one time. He could probably keep himself busy. With all his health problems and it looks like surgeries, doesn't help when it comes to Dementia. Everytime an older person goes under, he loses some of his memory. That's why they shy away from anything drastic with the elderly. Now my husband will probably be deaf in the next few years and nothing can be done about it. At that point, going to a daycare of Senior place will not be an option. If you can't hear, you can't socialize. If you father shows no signs of dementia, maybe it's time for a sit down. Explain that financially you can't be there all the time. You also have your own family to care and be there for. It's up to him to find a way to keep busy. Meet new people. Do you have siblings in NY? Maybe now he has dealt with the physical problems, he could go back home where he knows people. Set him up in a small apartment?
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My mother depends on me for all her social, financial and physical needs. When I choose to ignore her demands, I am drenched in guilt. Like your dad, she refuses to go to the senior center (I've taken her three times), or to get any kind of social life of her own. She has absolutely no friends and no hobbies, but is still ambulatory and relatively cogent and well. Caring for her has irrevocably drained my bank accounts and has forced me to work much longer than I had hoped to. I guess what I'm trying to say is I absolutely, unequivocally, know how you feel. I've been working on boundaries myself. Not buying into the manipulation. Not asking "how high" when she says jump. It's truly the hardest thing I've ever done. I come home from work some days and see her sitting there in the dark with the TV blaring and I know that's where she's been most of the day. It absolutely breaks my heart, but those are the choices she's made. I have to remind myself that she put herself in this position - not me, and I cannot save her. So, I hate this word as people have chanted this mantra at me for so many years, but unfortunately, it is true: boundaries. Sometimes I feel like an awful person when I do it, but there are times when you just need to save yourself. Good luck!
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Oh Goldilocks, I know the torment you & your family are suffering...altho' my Mom doesn't have the medical maladies your Dad has, she is in early-stage Alzheimer's..I am no stranger to the way guilt is used to get what she wants...guilt is a crippling emotion & thankfully, with the love & devotion of my husband, (who went thru it with his grandmother) I've been able to rise above being consumed by it...my mother us a shrewd woman & uses the Alzheimer's as an excuse to exhibit her nasty attitude...talk about taking over our lives, we have had to rearrange our home to deal with her...locks on the fridge & freezer, as she will go snooping, a gate in the hallway, as she wanders & hoards our things...the list doesn' t stop there...it is very difficult when you love the person...the conflicting emotions can be one's undoing.
The folks here have left some very good suggestions & ideas for you...I'm not able to add to it, as I feel all the issues have been covered...I will however, extend my compassion & encouragement to you...you have gone above & beyond for your Dad...I hope things get better for you soon.
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Many years ago I learnt this slogan from the States "there's no "I" in team"
with a demanding BIL I've come up with another one the "I" in Life is not an individual.
An example when my adored & adorable foster sister was about 4 years old,
I mentioned something I'd done years before (there's a 19 year age gap ~
no prizes for guessing I'm the older one). Abigail looked shocked and said
"that can't have been, I wasn't even born then."
Cute at 4 to believe they are the center of the universe not so cute at 64
BIL's age or older. Sadly age & dementia seem to convince our cared for
that they are slap bang in the middle of Life.
Boundaries straight off and no lessening of them. Sounds awful I know,
but I quickly learnt that what I thought of as a treat immediately transferred
into accepted every day practise for BIL.
I have a lot of health issues of my own and it's kind of funny on his good
days to hear my BIL tell neighbours, strangers in shops, the tv how amazing
I am.
"Poor Lucy, she's run of her feet, well she would be if she wasn't in the
electric chair (my power wheelchair). She's in constant pain you know but anybody wants and she's right there meeting the need. I wish people
wouldn't take advantage." This from the man that sulks and tantrums when
I don't jump to his every whim :~)
I repeated to him this morning what he'd said to the man delivering groceries
I was trying to put away, while BIL got upset because I wouldn't drop
everything and go out Now.
I was rewarded by a big smile and "exactly if you weren't always doing things
for people you could help me." He takes up 80% of my life and we don't
share a home!
Love your cared for, BUT remember that where they are now, in the future
you could be in the same place. How does that get funded when every
penny went on them? Is this what you for your children when you're a senior?
Is this to be your Grandchildrens legacy, caring for their parents?
This should help belay the guilt. You saying "NO" now stops generations
getting caught up in this terrible place.
Because of better living standards we are all living/existing longer but it
the extended years don't guarantee extended health.
Our generation is the first one to experience seniors caring for senior plusses.
It's vital we get it right, so those after us get a chance at life, not just being carers.
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Goldilocks, you are doing an incredible job and deserve a lot of credit. Going with dad to an activity or two to break the ice is a great idea. But after 2 years of trying to get my dad to do some activities on his own and not be entirely dependent on me, my fiance, and my sister for entertainment, I would say don't have too high expectations. For me it is impossible to imagine that dad doesn't want to get out of his apartment and meet people and do things, but I've come to realize that he just doesn't. Or even if he kind of does, it's too hard. Old age and physical troubles make it challenging to do new things, and in my dad's case, a bit of dementia I think makes him self-conscious about how he comes across to new people.

Please don't feel guilty though. You have to go back to work and take care of your family's needs and your own needs too. It sounds harsh but I've had to just develop a thicker skin to my dad's expectations over time so I don't torment myself with guilt.

Inflexibility and attachment to the familiar and the routine seems to be a pattern with old age but I know elders who defy that pattern too. I hope your dad can be open to some new experiences. Keep us posted.
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Yes! check with the Seniors to learn about trips out--that way, your Dad is WITH others...even if he doesn't particularly want to be social, being with others, helps keep him a bit safer, than venturing out alone.
Setting boundaries--very important.
I really liked the suggestions to just tell Dad--hey--did you quit working to care for your folks? and, simply telling him, if you don't go back to work ALL of you will be homeless--working is a way of "taking care of/honoring your elders"; it is not just tea and sympathy one on one.
Your working, is like people on a plane...the plane's in trouble, you put on YOUR O2 mask FIRST, THEN try to help others!
Dad of course, won't like being left alone while you are at work, and, he might also expect you to spend all your off-hours with him as well--you must put realistic limits on that, too, because your off-hours must have time for you to rest and recuperate.
Your local Area Agency on Aging, might have suggestions, even for vetted volunteers to come visit with Dad at home, or accompany him to various places.
Good luck!
And ditch the guilt--you've already gone waaaay above-and-beyond the call-of-duty, in taking care of Dad!
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You will just have to face up to the reality that NOBODY can be responsible for somebody else's happiness. Its not possible. If he cant make himself happy how in the world can you ?? I went through this ( guilt ) with my mom until I faced the reality. The faster you accept that you cant be responsible for his happiness, the better off you will be. Then he will have no choice but to make a life for himself or just be un happy for the rest of his life. What ever he chooses, its not your responsibility. It will all work out if you let it.
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I was in the same boat. Dad wasn't living with me but, once he had to give up driving, was happy to allow me to drive him all over, just for entertainment. No amount of discussion about my own work and family responsibilities seemed to phase him. He was apologetic and hated being a burden, but happily continued with having me cater to his plans for each day. It stopped when I realized the BALL WAS IN MY COURT.

You don't mention dementia, but I would bet on it. With his age, long-time neglect of his health, and all the major procedures he's had done, he's almost certainly dealing with a little cognitive impairment. That's one more reason why he won't be able to see what his demand are doing to you. He only sees that you continue to do it.

My situation improved when (after months of asking him to agree to go to the senior center) I called the center and the transport agency and arranged for him to go there three days a week. Then I informed him that the plans had been made and they would pick him up Monday at 8:00. I gave him the phone numbers if he decided to cancel them, but I would not be available those three days regardless. Then I said a friendly good-bye and left. BINGO! He started going to the senior center three days a week. Hasn't missed a day since.

YOU ARE IN CHARGE. That's my own mantra that I'm sharing with you. Your Dad isn't imposing upon you, you're allowing yourself to be imposed upon. Think about what you're expecting...for him to change a situation that he's perfectly happy with. You're the one who is suffering, you're the one who needs to change things. Both you and your dad will be better off.

PS - regarding the money situation. STOP using your money. Dad is living with you and you should hold the purse strings – both yours and his. Make sure his finances are in order and "put on your own life preserver first." You're going to be old some day yourself.
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Phone the California Area Ageny on Aging. Ask for an assessment of your father's needs. If he's a veteran, get in touch with the VA.
Find a Board and Care home in your town where he could live and be cared for. Love does not mean what you are doing.
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Wow Goldilocks, You have done so much and I commend you. I had to move my mother who has Alzhiemer's into my home several years ago and her health issues were bad due to neglect, but nothing like what you and your Dad have been through. You should wake everyday and the first thing you should do is remind yourself of all you have done for your Dad and where he would be if you had not stepped in. Feel pride in your accomplishments and joy that you have been able to do what you have and allow yourself those feeling before you start you day,

You didn't mention if your Dad has Alzhiemer's or anything, so I don't know if this will help you, but my mother had become very consuming and wanted only me with her constantly. I agree with so many other post here, the first thing I had to learn was BONDARIES. There are things in you life you need and have to do and there are things in your life you just want to do, and there is nothing wrong with that. Don't let guilt get in the way of balance. One thing I have done for my mom which seemed to help is I got a large picture frame and turned the inside around so that it looked like a whiteboard. Then I took a dry erase marker and every night I would write into the frame what I would be doing the next day and what my mother should be doing. That included days when I would not be able to spend the day with her or if someone else would bring her a meal. I would number it and WRITE It DOWN. I had to keep it simple and as her condition became worse it didn't work as well, but for awhile it was a total stress reliever. It seemed to help her balance out her constant need for me and gave me back some of my own life. Writing it down for her helped me see where I needed to be more realistic with myself.

As also suggested, get help. I went through the Dept. Of Aging in my state and got a Provider who came in 2hrs every day of the week. They also helped me get my mom on the Meals-on-wheels program freeing up one meal a day. And lastly, I made my mother take up a hobby, knitting, something she had done when she was younger. I just kept encouraging her and encouraging and oohing and awing over what she made until she went from fighting me on it to enjoying it. I now have blankets all over my house and stacked in the closet, but it focused her attention on something other than me.

Most importantly, get rid of the guilt. It is a wasted emotion that does nothing for you or your Dad. You sound like an awesome kid whose given more than your Dad could ever have expected, and if he was younger and healthier he would tell you that himself. Aging and illness do terrible things to the mind, but not to the heart that is still in there somewhere. Be proud of what you have done and be realistic about what you can do. And take care of yourself, a difficult lesson to learn, but a necessary one for everyone involved. My prayers are with you.
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