Last year at 78, Dad moved from his lifelong home in rural NY to CA and moved in with my family. In the last year he has undergone tremendous medical care from years of neglecting himself. We got him hearing aids and glasses. He's had surgery for 3 hernias, 2 surgeries to help with facial deformities due to Bells Palsy, fell and broke back which is when they discovered an abdominal aneurysm which he has surgery for. While doing scans for that a mass in his lungs was discovered; testing is inconclusive, a biopsy can't be done because of location so CTs will be done at 3 month intervals to monitor for change.
He still drives although he doesn't like to. I've introduced him to the senior center but he won't go. He won't do anything without me. I feel like he is taking over my life. When I went to NY to get him, I switched from full time work to part time. This summer when his medical needs were at their greatest, I went to sub work. So, having him here has taken away 2/3 of my income, the savings has been depleted and I need to return to work, full time so we have the benefits.
My big stress is that dad won't do anything without me and lays on the guilt when I don't want to go and "do something" everyday. I love my dad but I don't enjoy the casino or fishing which are his only interests.
Help!!! Please, any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
A relative puts off going to the doc and then dies at 65, an extended family member weighs 450# and he dies of a 7 cm stroke at age 66, a friend knows something's wrong and when she finally gets herself to the doc, she has Lupus. I am sorry for your dad.
Take control, be the pack leader, set boundaries, rules and limitations. This is so that life runs smoothly and everyone, including the dog, gets what he/she needs. Including a bit of uninterrupted peace.
How many people, elders and youngers, need to have boundaries, rules, and limitations. IF IT IS SO SIMPLE THAT A DOG CAN DO IT, then we all need to be doing it, too.
Can you tell I'm speaking from the position of a daughter who's fed up with my role? I'm strongly advising you to do as I say and not as I do! : ) Good luck!
You have been through a lot, come back from a lot, and have done a lot! Wow! No one can take over our lives without us allowing them to because we don't have healthy or existent boundaries. You have your life, your marriage and your family to look after first. You need to set some boundaries to protect all these other areas of your life. I think other solutions for your dad need to be found.
I read over this thread quickly, so I may have missed this question already being asked. So, forgive me if it has already been asked. What does your husband and daughter think about all of this, plus what it is doing to you as well as to the family as a whole?
It is hard to live with someone after you have been on your own. Last night I asked him to follow me this AM to take my car to the shop, I had to wake him up, then he diddles around the kitchen, does some laundry, gets some breakfast. Thus I am now late and the car wont be done till tomorrow. When I asked him to go to the game yesterday he was up and down the steps and out the door in 30 seconds. When it is something he wants to do hes like a cartoon, poof and hes gone.
My wife noticed he is an "I, MY", every conversation is about "I or my"..... he does not listen unless it is something he can gossip to on the next phone call. My wife can't talk about work or anything else she can't have repeated.
I try, believe me I try. At dinner he talks about all the foods he like (weird things my mom wouldn't make). As I tell him, the kitchen is there, buy what you want make what you want, clean up what you so.... He is a good cook but I don't like split pea soup, navy beans, stomach. liver, tongue or anything that licks or kicks me back...... I do all the cooking and the shopping so I cook what I like. The rule is if you buy it, you cook it, you clean it up.... He gets miffed when I don't like something he likes. I have made him lots of his favorites mom used to make but I cant be the chef, valet, etc....
He is not happy that I am not going on the annual hunt this year. I need a break with my wife alone and want to spend time with my kids over Thanksgiving (wed leave the day after and go for almost a week). So he is welcome to go and he is. He will spend T day with some of the step grand kids out of state. Most likely I will end up being the bad guy. Funny is he told me he called them, he told my sister he had not called them yet so who knows what he is doing......
Sorry for the rant but my head just hurts.......