Sibling conflict on parental care. For the past 2 years my father has been declining. He shows multiple symptoms of Alzheimer's/dementia and is no longer taking care of himself. Doesn't bathe, doesn't eat, doesn't get out of bed, doesn't take meds, etc. He is under 100 lbs, hallucinating and falls quite frequently. I urged him to go into full time nursing care because even when I called him 4 times a day he did not take his meds, would not let me bathe him, would not give me poa and the doctors at the VA are not helpful in relaying to me what they are telling him and obviously I only get half the truth from him or complete fabrications of what he thinks they told him. Not to mention I work full time on a non-set schedule and live over 30 minutes away so I am unable to go to most of his appointments. My sister lived out of state for the past 3 years and I tried to tell her that he was declining rapidly and she needed to make time to see him as I did not know how long he had left. She brushed me off and only recently moved back to our hometown about 4 months ago. She saw him once after she had been back for almost 2 months and was shocked at how skinny and confused he was. After a recent fall he agreed to go to short term rehab and then agreed it was not safe to go home alone. I finally breathed a sigh of relief that I would not have to find my father dead on his apartment floor one day. He was somewhat settling in until a few days ago my sister took her two young sons to visit him as she apparently thought he would be back to his usual self. Needless to say he was not and she called me hysterical that she couldn't at least get a nice picture of him with the boys. I know that I have had a long time to grow accustomed to the end stages of my Father's life and have come to accept that I have done everything I could to get him back on his feet.
I cried many days about my feelings of helplessness and worries that he was dying. I even lost my boyfriend due to the stress of working full time and trying to navigate this new, unfamiliar and terrifying territory. I have learned to deal with my Father's mood swings and keep him mostly calm and I see how my sister is where I was mentally and emotionally a year and a half ago. The issue is, she told him that if he tried to get better and did everything the doctors said, she would let him move in with her when he lease is up. Now he is agitated and fighting with the staff at the nursing home and thinks he is just at the hospital for a fall and going home in a few days. Last year I also considered having him live with me, but he needs 24 hour care. It is not safe for him to be alone at anytime. I don't know how to make her understand that she is doing more harm by telling him this and causing herself undue stress as well. We are both not very financially stable and unable to keep up with his medical needs while working full time. Add in she has 2 kids under 5 years old and her boyfriend has 2 kids under 5 that all live together. I get that she feels guilty about him being in a nursing home but I did my research. It is one of the best places his insurance will provide and they provide good care.
I think I would encourage your sister to spend time at the facility where dad lives right now, ideally several days running.
Approach her about her taking dad home Inn a calm and confident manner.
" I know you'll be able to do this, sis. But you should really go and watch the aides care for dad so you can learn the professional techniques they use to bathe, change him, manage his meds and check to make sure he's not getting bedsores. And you should make sure that you watch the podiatrist trim his toenails. That needs to be done quite carefully."
Tell the social worker at the facility about what's going on. And then back off.
If she can ,she should take Dad home for a weekend visit with her four children to entertain him ,while she tries getting Dad to wash ,eat ,change of clothes & resting.
Reality will set in then-- your sister will be exhausted by the end of the weekend if not before.My opinion only.
Do you think she has formed a serious intention of bringing him home to live with her, in fact?
Alzheimer's got worse and I couldn't afford to pay for nursing care in or out of the home. My dad wouldn't give me POA initially, either. My sister talked to him on the phone and convinced him to agree to sign the papers. Thank goodness, because it enabled me to advocate for him and assist him. You need outside help. You cannot go this alone. I understand the guilt, but his safety is at issue. I feel less guilty now that he has been in the home for 8 months because I faithfully visit him three days a week, talk with all of his doctors and nursing staff and therapists, and I bring him meals to supplement the food and buy him snacks. He has adjusted nicely now that he knows I will regularly see him and take him out for a meal once a week. Please don't feel guilty, although that is how I felt for quite a while. I know that he is safe now and that I can have a life, too. I understand your feelings. I want to offer you support and encouragement. It is very hard. He needs the services of a home. That is in his best interest. Visit him frequently and let him know he is loved and cared about. Both of you will feel better when this occurs. I wish the best for you and your sister.
Be very careful, there are some sad stories of some people having their door kicked in and then being physically dragged out of their homes and into a facility, and a good many of them don't even need to be there. I must warn you that it's mostly those with money and assets will become targets. I heard a sad story about a 90 something-year-old woman who was home alone on the phone at the time the cops made a surprise visit and busted in her door with a battering ram. She was on the phone at the time and was trying to call the cops about an attempted break-in, only to find out the cops were the ones breaking in! She was physically dragged out of her home and taken by force to a facility. I think she owned her home and when you're forcefully take them to a facility against your will, it's been said more times than not they end up drugging you right after arrival. If you refuse, they force a shot on you and the drugs are supposed to either knock you out or incapacitate you while vultures make their move on your money and assets.
This is exactly why I urge you to first get an eldercare lawyer involved and make sure that any wills and other legal protections cannot be thrown aside and overturned by those "special courts". Be very careful, especially now that your dad needs help. Call your state bar association and get the best lawyer possible because you need it right now
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