We planned on visiting Mom for her 90th. We were excited that we might go out to eat and have a good time. Everything was planned. When I call her to let her know what is going on she freaks, as she does with any holiday or major occasion. She goes on and on a rant about this and that, meaningless topics from 50 years ago just meant to be abusive. Which she very often is. She "can't do this", whatever "this" is, but she will "drive to a friends house" that day if we come down to visit. Mind you, this is a 5 1/2 hour drive, at best. She has the energy to do that, but she doesn't want to see her son. My 57 year old brother, who is coming off of 14 years of alcohol abuse lives with her and can be verbally abusive to her himself. Her complaint is that my brother makes her too tired to be able to see my wife and I. I want to see what is going on in the home. How to handle this? I am giving it a couple of days to see what happens and then am going to cancel our reservations while we can. On the one hand I am not going to put up with her abuse, on the other hand she is my Mother and I want to make sure she is OK.
Whatever the scenario, the pain of worry about your parent is the same. Its horrible to have this kind of situation. If there was ever a time for an Elder Care Manager who has nursing skills- this is it. Sending in someone with experience to monitor and evaluate the situation is very helpful. If she won't allow for that you can always call Adult Protective Services. They will keep your call anonymous and make a home visit. At least this opens a case file on her and gives you the opportunity to do something helpful and care taking from a distance.
Hi Geewiz- Mom hasn't done a thing to improve the house for at least 30 years. She says she is embarrassed to have people over because everything needs updating. The house is very clean and neat, however. I have offered to either paint the interior myself or have it done for at least 15 years. She yeses you to death and then does nothing. (she has always been like this.) If you push the issue, she becomes violent. I have the scar on my leg to prove that. :-) As soon as you leave she will then start to complain about how crappy the house looks, other children would paint the house for their Mother, her late husband never did anything around the house, etc. She is a control freak and won't let anyone do anything. She then will complain that nothing gets done. You can't have it both ways.
I am very sorry, Jerryj1, that you have an abusive, mentally ill parent. It isn't fair. It is Not Your Fault. But it is what it is, and accepting it and working around it as best you can is better than acting as if Mother were normal and hoping she will behave that way, in my opinion.
Hugs to you ... and I hope you have built your own loving family.