How can I handle my sister's harsh criticism of me for the way I care for our parents?
My three children and I moved into my parents home in late 2007. I have been widowed since 2005 and had been finding it increasingly difficult to pay a mortgate and raise three children on my own. My late husband did not have life insurance and there were many bills to take care of.
When we first moved in, my sister who is 11 years younger than I and who is married with no children, sent me a very hurtful email asking if I was going to influence my parents to leave me their home in their will. She said that because I work at a law firm I know how to "fix these things". Our relationship has steadily declined since I moved in with my parents and I find it hard to be around her sometimes.
Fast forward to now, my father (age 80) had a massive stroke in April. He was not expected to survive, but not only did he survive but is making amazing progress in a skilled nursing facility. My mother (also age 80) has diabetic neuropathy and walks with the aid of a walker. I have been the one who communicates with the doctors, nursing home, lawyers, etc. because my sister literally fell apart when my father became ill. My father did a lot around the house, drove my mother to appointments, etc., he and I split the cooking and some chores around the house. Now that he is ill, the day to day running of the house has fallen to me. I realize that since I am living there it is my obligation and I certainly do not mind that, but what I do mind is that my sister likes to make comments such as "you don't take very good care of mom", "are you going to make sure mom eats", "you're not a very warm person", etc. The thing is my mother is perfectly capable of doing small tasks such as making herself lunch, taking her medication, starting dinner preparation, etc. My sister tends to "baby" her and my mother seems to be eating this up! Prior to my dad's illness, my parents were lucky if my sister even called them once in awhile.
I know some others have situations far worse than mine, but I feel very hurt and don't quite know how to react when my sister makes these digs at me and sometimes my children (who are pretty good kids by the way). I have my own issues to deal with -- one daughter in college, a son starting college in September, and a daughter with learning disabilities going into the 10th grade. I help my children out with tuition, books, travel expenses, etc. so moving out is not an option right now.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated as I am on the verge of tears right now.
19 Answers
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Carol
you sound like you are managing a heavy emotional burden admirably. The only advice I can give is to not allow your sister to play games with you. I don't know what your relationship was when you were younger - but it would seem that you will have to be the mature one and ask her to work together with you for your mom & dad's benefit. ALthough human nature can be a mystery, it might be possible to turn the current situation into better communication.
An 11 year difference and all sorts of family baggage - mom eating up the attention from the baby who falls apart when problems happen. Families are so complex, however once patterns are formed, the problems don't go away unless you change the patterns. That means you first have to decide what is and is not acceptable in your relationship. Break it down and then start asking what can you want to change for you first. She may not adapt very quickly, but maybe if she is competative she might be motivated to compete in an area that would help you rather than just hurt your feelings.
Is she really helpless, or is it easier to let someone else do the heavy lifting. What would happen if you paid more attention to your mom, and your mom began praising you to her? Is your mom aware of how you feel - would she help you?
I have to confess, I am the one who always did everything in my family. Its a hard habit to break. I don't know if you can pull off 'a fainting spell & helplessness', but if you practice letting go & not caring a little every day, maybe your sister can be incented to swoop in to prove how much better mom likes her cooking, or driving, or anything. And while she is doing it, sneak out the back door for a well deserved walk.
Or at the very least, know that many of us here on this board are the "doers" - and vent to an understanding group who have all been there.
take care.
As to Cat's question, when we were younger, I was the one who did a lot for the family. My mother doesn't drive, so I was the one picking everyone up and dropping them off, etc. There are three of us, I am the oldest. My brother is 6 years younger and my sister is 11 years younger. I'm not sure if my mother would be of any help in the situation. She seems to not realize what's going on, or is enjoying the attention.
I didn't mention in my previous post, but my brother has been in Kazahkstan for the past two months with his wife and are in the process of adopting two children, a boy and girl, and they left the day before Dad's stroke. I had the pleasant task of informing them of my father's stroke, because no one else could. My brother came home for a week last month, and was able to come and spend some time with Dad, then he had to go back. They will all be home in about three weeks, so there is some happy news!
Thanks again for the advice and I look forward to keeping in touch.
Good for you. Wish I could get my lazy brother to help, but my brother is getting his MIL who can't walk!!!!!!! What goes around, comes around. Good luck!
Linda
"I just want to know you have their best interest in mind as well as your own. Mom doesn't always speak up if something is bothering her, she just gets cranky.
I want to know if you're going to talk Mom & Dad into leaving you their house. You do wills for a living, so you know how to change things to protect yourself. You also have kids to think about.
It's not fair that the one who needs the most help should get everything because of their past mistakes. I made a mistake by buying a house in _________, because that's what I could afford. Now I live across the street from a flop house, and my only alternative is moving up the line, to towns I don't even like, and having an hour commute. I admit I made a mistake, but no one's going to help me. I know you've been through a lot, and that if you could change things, you wouldn't pick this situation.
It's not about the money, because, believe me, I want Mom & Dad to live forever. It's just that I know if they make a decision to leave you everything, and if you influence them to leave you everything, I will feel really badly about that. It's about fairness. I want you to know how I feel. All of this happened so fast.
Carol's (my sister's mother in-law) sister, Sandy and her family moved in with Non (her father passed away years ago). From what I heard Sandy started to talk badly about the other siblings (5 kids total) to Non (they don't call enough, see you enough). I guess she did this because she was afraid they would make her move. Non changed her will, passed away, and now Sandy owns the house. Only 1 sister talks to her on a regular basis. Carol and Sandy were so close, and now they barely speak. Carol doesn't need the money, but still feels bad. She feels that maybe Sandy's kids will eventually get the house, and what about her kids and the other grandchildren. Also, just because one doesn't need help today, doesn't mean they won't need help tomorrow. As Carol says, Sandy could re-marry, and that guy could have money. Everyone's situation can change for better or worse."
This is why I get very upset about my sister and why I have a hard time being around her. She sent this email about a year ago, when I moved into my parents' house.
Linda
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