Has this happened to you?
My mother was set up for physical therapy by her pain management doctor. He showed up the other day and did the evaluation on her; very thorough. He left me with two pages of exercises she is to do twice a day. Then he informed me that she is NOT to bend, reach, pick up, lean forward, etc. I tried to tell him that she doesn't do any of that now. To make a long story short, not only have I been bending over backwards doing everything for this woman, but now with having to do two sets of exercises every day, what little life I had to myself is now gone. If you've read any of my comments and/or questions, you know what little time I had prior to this new development. At least when he shows up I may have 30-45 minutes to myself once a week until Medicare says no more. I'm "dyng" here. I feel like I'm ready to admit myself to a psych ward. How much more can anyone person do?
While I don't know what it is like to have such a huge family - DH and I are both one of two. I DO know what it is like to have a narcissist lie to the world about you. I also know what it is like to "do the right thing" both in an effort to help but also in an effort to ensure that others know we are doing the right thing.
Here is my experience. If you have a narcissistic loved one that is telling lies about you - it will not matter how much you do for them - they are STILL going to lie to others about you. You can literally give up your entire life and do EVERYTHING for them - and they will still tell people that you do NOTHING.
My FIL would literally be in the same room with us - on the phone with his sister, or his bff or his "not girlfriend" and tell them that we never visited. That we never did anything for him. That he supported us financially (while he DID do that for SIL, he did NOT ever do one single monetary thing for DH as an adult - but he would lump all of us in together to make the story more convincing of how his kids took advantage of him). He made up lies about his GRANDCHILDREN (who stopped visiting him because there was no point)
It did not matter that he had FOUR people at his beck and call. It did not matter that DH and I used up tons of PTO running him from appointments. It did not matter that ALL of us had caregiver injuries from taking care of him. He did not care about us. He only cared about what we could do for him. And he made sure that he had the whole family on blast that we were all terrible people because we didn't do ANYTHING for him.
Here is what we finally figured out. To quote Dr. Seuss "Those who matter don't mind, and those who mind don't matter!". Family and friends chose sides. Those who had been burned by him in the past - didn't listen to any of his lies. And then there were those who fell into his trap - hook, line and sinker. His sister being the only one who outlived him.
She was ALL in - and shared the same lies about us that he shared - IN SPITE of the fact that WE were her only lifeline to him. We thought early on that she would help us bridge the gap to getting the help he needed. But no matter HOW outrageous the lies - she fell for them.
There are too many stories to tell. But sufficed to say - after we let her know he passed away late last year - she has not spoken a SINGLE word to any of us since.
As long as you are the solution - you ARE the solution. A narcissist is going to drain every bit of life out of you and move on to the next supply.
You have to decide that you are going to either develop a thick skin and not care what your family thinks - when you know you are doing all you can do. OR you can start finding help to take the load off of you and ignore what everyone else says.
FIL's sis - was the most vocal, judged us the most harshly, and was just done with us once he was no longer alive. But she hadn't laid eyes on him in over 10 years. She never once offered her help - just judgment.
People are quick to judge when they aren't the one having to do the work.
You deserve to take care of yourself too.
You don't personally have to be your mother's caregiver and handle every detail of her life and every need she has. There are options.
One such option is homecare. If she's getting in-home physical therapy she will qualify for some hours of aide care that will be covered by insurance. If you want and need more it will have to be paid for. So you pay it out of her income, not yours.
Another option is assisted living or a nursing home. Live-in caregivers could be a pssibility.
Don't let yourself become a care martyr because you have a need to micromanage every detail of mother's care and take care of every need yourself. This will destroy your life. I have seen it destroy many people's lives.
Coffee is to your left and donuts to your right. Zoloft and other meds will be passed out at 10am and 4pm.
Enjoy your stay
You are 70, not elderly but not young anymore. It may bevtime to place Mom. She is getting to much for you.
So I think it is in home
I've been backing off, letting family do the work, because I want mom to be in AL, and no one will support me on this. They were letting me do all the work, only show when I back off.
I'm not PO A
Moms second bout with this this year. She is not suppose to reach. Then cable goes out and she panics because no one is there and she is reaching for wires and what not.
Physical therapy started Thursday, but it was just paperwork. Friday on the phone she sounded horrible. Today I called , and she sounded better. The worry is killing me, I'm damned no matter what right now. If I don't go I worry, if I go no one else helps. My brother was there all weekend, so I think I'll run over this morning, but I tell you what ever you do, to the people that truly care it really sucks
What I really do think all this physical therapy is just a bandaid, there's no doubt in my mind that she will maybe get better, with physical therapy, but the minute she moves wrong it will come back.
Could be a couple weeks after physical therapy or a few months. But it will come back and I can't get my family to understand that.
Anyways have you considered a facility for her? As for me I'm not doing this forever, it effects my mental health way to much . And I turn effects my marriage.
Sorry for all the rambling about myself . Hope my story helps you not feel so alone. Best of luck, to both of is
Do you honestly believe that your mother would want you literally killing yourself because of her? That is exactly what you are doing....killing yourself.
This nonsense HAS to stop!
If money is an issue, you'll have to apply for Medicaid for your mother, so she can get placed sooner than later.
Seeing what help is needed us a crutial first step. Setting boundaries on what you can/will do & what you can't/won't is next. Then adding home care help & services.
Plump up Care Team Mom!
Re the exercises:
If Mom cannot do these independantly, who decided it must be you that guides her therapy sessions? Have you discussed with the Physio who can provide this service?
Eg is there insurance or funding to have an allied health aide come to do the exercises with Mom?
The same principle can be applied to every task.
Every task your Mom can not do independantly (without supervision, prompts or supervision) does not equate to you having to do that task for her.