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I've been a caregiver for my parents for almost 20 years. First, for my dad until he passed. I played support person for my mom and helped around her house on weekends, etc. For the last 8 years, I've been my mom's caregiver. She has heart failure, diabetes, and now some memory stuff is happening.


My husband, son, and I moved in after my dad passed to take care of her property and her. Flash forward to today. She refuses to do the things that she is told to do by her doctors, eats whatever she wants, etc. Then she ends up needing medical care. My husband and I have to take time off from work to take her to the appointments.


My sister and brother are useless. Even when I stand up to them and tell them that I need them to be on call for a weekend so I can get away, they have excuses. So, I give up!!


I am so lost. I really just want to just be her daughter and not her caregiver anymore. Shes getting mean at times, snarky, and always makes comments about the meals I make for her. I work from home, so I don't get away from the house much. Soon, we'll be heading back to the office, and that will open another box of crap to deal with.


My only support is my husband. We can't even get away for a night or an afternoon anymore, with out her calling me that she doesn't feel well. I don't know if I can keep doing this. I'm angry, tired, depressed, and just down right sad anymore. I used to be funny and a clown. Now, I don't know who I am anymore — a shadow of my former silly self, I guess.


What should I do? She refuses to pay for any help. She has tons of money in her accounts. I feel so trapped.

Betcha $100 mother will open her pursestrings to pay for the help she needs once you tell her you're resigning your post as chief cook and bottlewasher! But hey, as long as you're available for free to do her bidding AND to be poorly treated, why should she spend a dime? If this were me, I'd tell her my doctor ordered me to cut down on my stress and aggravation and get in more R and R, so I'll have to quit my 2nd non paying job caring for YOU. Its taking too big a toll on me. So sorry.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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Let me add this. You're only trapped because you're choosing to be. She can afford help but is refusing to pay for it because you're choosing to make it unnecessary for her to do so. She is mean, snarky, and critical, so your care is not making her happy. (Not your fault -- hers for being unappreciative.) You have total free agency to walk away without guilt. Please do so and give yourself and your husband the good life you deserve.
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Reply to MG8522
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Quite honestly, this is something that you are doing by choice, if you are continuing to do it. There are other options. I know you know what they are. And here you have an elder with assets, as well. If you are suffering, as you tell us, from anger, you may consider that you are somewhat angry at yourself for not demanding respect within the limits of your caregiving.

I think that you should seek a few sessions of counseling so that you can work out how long you intend to keep doing this 24/7 care, under what conditions and circumstances, and for how long. It is in your hands. Purposely throwing your own life, and that of your hubby, onto the burning funeral pyres of parents won't get you thanks, and often it won't even get you the thanks of the parent him/herself, because you have moved OUT of the realm of darling daughter, and into the realm of caregiver, advice giver, boss, director, nag, and etc.

You are a grownup and I trust you to make decisions for your own life and abide by the consequences of them. There is never any really perfect answer in aging and choices regarding caregiver. As an RN lifelong I was CERTAIN I could never do it. I loved caregiving, but only with doing it three days a week, with 5 weeks vacation, 12 sick leaves days and 12 holidays. Now THAT is doable.

I wish you the best. A Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice is sometimes best to help in life transitions decisions. I hope you'll update us if you choose to seek help.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Be honest and tell your mom that you love her but you're required to go back to the office in person, and that you and your husband have decided it's time to get your own place. Listen to her, but don't engage in any arguments or try to justify. Just state kindly and firmly, and repeatedly if necessary, that it's going to happen.

And the consequence of that is that your mother will need to hire in-home care or move to assisted living or memory care, at her own expense. Her decision. But it will force her to decide and to pay.

Call some home health agencies, who will send you their packets. Also look up the local facilities that have both assisted living and memory care, and get their packets. You might have to go in person for this, but you can narrow the selections down by researching online first. Give them to her when you tell her, so she'll know you're serious.

You can't control what your sister and brother do, so leave them out of the equation. Once you've told your mother, you can send them a factual text telling them that you've decided to move out. If they want to get involved, that's between them and your mom. If they actually show initiative and get involved in the process, great! Welcome their help, as long as it's actually helpful. But calmly turn a deaf ear if they try to guilt trip you or change your mind. And if they don't react and continue to ignore the situation, that's no different from usual.

Have you thought about your housing? If there are homes available and you can make up your mind quickly, go for it. But if not, don't let it derail you. Get a rental, short-term or long-term, while you regroup and make up your mind about where to go for your new future.

Don't put this off until it's too late to reclaim your freedom and enjoy your life.
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Reply to MG8522
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You’re not trapped. It’s simply time for mom to move where help is available. She is never going to want to, but that doesn’t change the reality of you being completely, understandably burned out. The current arrangement isn’t good for either of you though she may never see that. You’re going to need to be willing to ruffle her feathers to make change happen. Tell her honestly though you love her you cannot do this anymore and she will need to move. You’ll need to move too as the house is hers. If she refuses, move anyway. It may take her being on her own to see her need for help other than you. Accept the lack of help from your siblings, even if you don’t agree they’re free to choose not to help. Stand firm, your own well being needs guarding. I wish you peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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Frequently someone will post - "your loved one won't look for a solution as long as YOU are the solution." For the sake of your mental health and your marriage, move out. She will either spend her money on caregivers, or not, but that's her decision. Nothing will change as long as you are there enabling her behavior. Nothing says you have to sacrifice your life and health for hers. I am so sorry you are dealing with this situation, but you have the opportunity to change it.
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Reply to YaYa79
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Your first mistake was moving in with her which I know you're now living to regret.
The simple solution is for you to now find a place of your own for you, your husband and your son so you can live in peace away from your mom.
You have paid your dues and have paid the price so now it's time for you to move out and for mom to pay for caregivers to come look after her or she can move into an assisted living facility.
As long as you are the solution she will NEVER agree to pay for help, so quit being her solution and get your family the heck out of there. She'll figure things out when she has no other choice.
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Reply to funkygrandma59
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Nothing will change with her until you change it.

You are not horrible. You are human and you must take care of yourself.
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Reply to Bulldog54321
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I can't imagine dealing with this for 20 years. My advice is that you need to do what you need to do(short of anything illegal, of course) to extricate yourself from this mess and try to recoup your life. Whatever that is , you need to do it.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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You aren't trapped at all. Make plans to move out. Let her know she will need to open her purse and pay for the services you have been providing. Tell her you want to go back to being just her daughter.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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marygIndiana Feb 16, 2025
Yes, exactly. TiredTam - I can relate to what you're going through; you've endured this for so long. I was a live-in caregiver for my dad for the last 10 months. He became incontinent and would try to hide his accidents. I had to start telling him when to go the bathroom every day since he would soil his disposable underwear (and I could smell poop). On holidays, he was nearly catatonic while I cooked a nice meal for us that he didn't seem to appreciate. Like you, I feel like "a shadow of my former silly self" and have wondered if I will ever be happy again. I am trying to get my life back. I moved Dad into assisted living recently with support from his medical team. He was not on board, even though we'd visited the facility, and he chose a room he liked. The first 4 or 5 days were rough. The nursing director said I should stay away until he calmed down. He's still complaining about being there, but it does sound like he is pleasant with the staff. I at least have peace at home and no longer feel like I have to walk on eggshells. Yesterday, I went to take him on a few errands, and he started insulting me. Hopefully, he will settle in, but if not, I'll find a small apt. or condo for him and hire 24/7 care. Hang in there and do what you need to do to reclaim your life.
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