Hi I’m new to this site, I was wondering if there are any adult children that are the only ones taking care of elderly parents?

Hi there

I’m new here too and the only one taking care of 1 parent. I have no siblings. I left 10 years in another country, a divorce and the loss of my beloved dog to return home to the last 3 years of caring for my declining parent without any support.

I decided after 2 years of decline followed by a prolonged hospital stay that I couldn’t physically, emotionally or mentally keep doing it - the nighttime toileting, driving long distances exhausted, organizing everything, losing jobs and me morphing into the lives of multiple people all became way too much and I finally found a nice care home for them. I have my life somewhat back, but still involves worry, stress and endless sorting out of paperwork and persistent guilt about not being there for them 100% of the time. They have no property so I was tasked with finding a rental nearby the care home for myself without work or a support network. Not to mention essentially beginning again in a country I haven’t lived for the last decade and in the last 3 have pretty much been entirely engulfed in trying to understand the systems, bureaucracy and breaking down my parents finances / health needs / etc etc. while swiftly rolling into my 40s.

I have some friends but they’re largely elsewhere. I also have a “friend” who last week told me I had neglected my parent and didn’t want to face it after I refused to lie about an elderly care job reference for her. Oh, the irony. To be clear, I moved said parent into a smaller apartment with disabled accessibility and elevators instead of stairs before I knew what to do. I went to work in another city because of financial necessity and was back within 6 weeks to malnourished parent who mentioned NOTHING on phone calls. There were cleaners appointed by the government calling in as well as a couple of her friends, but it was at that stage when the future was so murky and the reality of this being “permanent” was yet to fully sink in. No one called yet everyone judged. All that mattered at that point was the long-term safety of my parent.

It has become a task to figure out where truth and lies and myself being good and failing begin and end. I’m happier alone now really. I put a lot of pressure on myself to do normal things again, but people are difficult when you’re struggling with an unexpected caring job and all of the emotional numbness.

Last night I took a deep dive into all the discussions on this site and was overwhelmingly comforted by the permissive kindness of everyone who understands the nuance of these caring scenarios. It is so hard. It’s so hard. Take comfort in the reality that you are a wonderful person for doing all you have for them and everything you have lost, then truly see that person (yourself) and know that they deserve not just a break, but a reward. I hope other people on this forum can point you in the direction of some resources in your area for help.

In the short term, if you can I recommend making some room for yourself. It’s all hard; we just have to pick our hard. I’m sorry your family are unsupportive. You deserve your life. I hope you can find a way to make room for your own joy and meaning again soon.

Hey Swester,

Yes we are out here. I am sorry you are having to deal with this. I first posted here back in Oct 2024 about the same thing. I moved my parents in with us in May 2024 after mom's hip fracture and it has been up and down. But I'd been taking care of them since April 2022, like you going to their house several times a week, sometimes several times a day! I got some very good advice here and words of encouragement. I may not have been able to jump on any of the ideas at first, but I did wholeheartedly agree that what I was doing and what you are doing is not sustainable. AT ALL! Dad is bed bound now as he's gotten older (stroke in 2002) and mom was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 2019 (PD is progressing).
I have sitters that come every day, so though I may not have to change dad's adult briefs, there is so so much more to do! And like you, many days I cry, am overwhelmed, depressed, sad and angry. And all as my husband and I were just planning for retirement and travel, it all came to a screeching halt.

Do you have POA? If not get that, medical and financial. Do you have them in hospice? Not sure where you live, but if not, talk to their primary care provider about a referral for hospice.

I will say this may take time for you to be ok with, but you really have to think about a nursing home. It's taken me almost a year and being hit by my mom on several occasions during her outbursts to fully accept that a nursing home is where I need to have them. I am an only child and I have no one (but my husband is wonderful and does as much and as best he can) to help with decision making, I am an RN so I can handle the medical stuff and can case manage what needs to be done, but it's too much and TOO costly to continue. Mom's last outburst was in early March and she was so outraged and angry. I dropped to my knees in frustration and started crying, she stood there mocking me, threw her walker at me, then slapped me three times when I stood up. This was the woman I did so much with. My best friend. But it wasn't her. That morning I'd prayed that my decision was right, after that last incident, I knew it was the right decision.

You are doing a wonderful thing and I don't think in years to come you will regret having taken care of your parents, but you DESERVE a life. I'm 56 and I want to enjoy while I am still in good health. You need to enjoy life too!

OP, I was very fortunate to share the care of my paralyzed father with a wonderful sister. It was still extremely difficult and more than two years after our caregiving ended we are both still recovering from it in different ways.

You have TWO frail elders on your hands here and I think that even if your brother was a stand-up guy who did his part, the math would still not be mathing. The care you are providing seems unsustainable for two adult children, let alone one!

On this page we have those with and without siblings. In some cases, for those with siblings it amounts to constant argument, disagreements and accusations. But in answer, yes, we have those with and without support systems.

I don't really think that the amount of care required of you now is sustainable. I hope you will begin now to be honest with the parents that it is time for consideration of 24/7 placement in care that amounts to several shifts with several people working each shift. You are an adult, and will have to make this decision on your own or decide not to.

Please stay and read and read and read. It will help you formulate questions in your mind one at a time, and hopefully we can give you some ideas how to proceed.
I am so very sorry. This is all very tough and there is no good answer in aging care.

You will find on this site MANY it not ALL of us were or are caregiving for our elderly parents and have gone though exactly what you're going through. So--you will get a LOT of support and sympathy and a LOT of good advice. Whether or not you choose to apply it is up to you.

I cared for both my parents (with daddy it was respite care for mom, so she could get out and have a break from his 24/7 care. I spent time with him that I found precious and wonderful.)

For my FIL it was 3xs a day trips to his home to feed him, help him dress, force him to shower and dress whatever wounds he currently had (lots of falls that last year). He should have been in a NH the last year of his life.

This was done b/c I refused (oh, so selfishly!!) to bring him into our home to actively die in front of our 2 teenage daughters.

Mom was a combined effort of helping YB in whose home she lived. She felt like a prisoner and I tried to help her whenever and however I could. It was hard, to say the least. I don't think she liked me very much, TBH.

My MIL, I was lucky enough to have divorced her 4 years before her death and even as she was placed in home Hospice, I refused to see her or have anything to do with her. (Long and very typical and boring backstory). My Dh had to retire before he wanted to, to take care of her. He blamed me for that.

Nobody can make you do what you really don't want to do. Yes, you do have to live with the outcome, which may mean that family members or neighbors judge you for--but they don't know the whole story. (My Dh only knew the extent of the hatred his mother held for me the last 3 months of her life when she lost her filter and told him all about what she thought if me, how much she hated me and wished I had died when I had cancer--among a lot of other things. 47 years together and he never once took 'my side'. After this information from his mother, he did believe, but that was 47 years too late. I'm still processing this and it's been a year since she passed.)

So--yeah, you are going to get a lot of people chiming in. Take what feels good to you, what's helpful and know that you most assuredly are not alone.

Swester, you don't need to do this. It has been very generous of you but now you need to reclaim your life.

Tell your parents, I love you but it's been three years and I need to restore and protect my own health and financial security, so do you prefer to hire in-home caregivers or move to a facility (either one, at THEIR expense, not yours)?

If they are selfish and refuse, tell them you cannot continue to handle their issues, and start cutting back. Go only every other day, then just twice a week. Or go cold turkey -- take a vacation, and tell APS that they are vulnerable adults living alone, and let APS find a solution.

I especially like Brandee's suggestion of signing them up for Meals on Wheels. Put their bills on autopay and have their groceries delivered, if you aren't already. Hire (at their expense) a cleaning service if necessary, either one-time or on a schedule.

Regarding your brother, if he has only visited three times in four years, I don't think you have to worry about him.

You truly can't go on like this, and shouldn't have to. It will be good for your parents to have some socialization with new people, whether caregivers coming into the home or staff and other residents in the facility.

There are some excellent suggestions here. I wanted to also say ‘welcome’. There is so much help and hope here on this forum. Glad that you found us.

I apologize if this sounds blunt, it is meant as tough love. We all have choices. You did not have to quit your job. Now your future is in jeopardy. There were other choices. Mom and Dad pay for help that you coordinate. Mom and Dad move to assisted living. Even if mom and dad did not plan for their future, it does not mean you sacrifice yours for them. Get your parents to a safe place...even if only to keep your brother at bay.

I'm an only too and I managed my father's life for close to a decade. However, I knew I could never have him live with me and I needed to continue working to support my children. Even if they had left home by then I would need to secure my future first. I set really hard boundaries that were not always the easiest to keep. That is what you have to do.

Now you need to figure out how to save yourself. Make arrangements to find your parents a safe place to be. One that does not require you 24/7. Heal yourself and get back into the work force so your children won't have to do this 20 years from now.

The one thing I learned from my experiences is what NOT to do. I have enough funds to afford an AL when the time is needed. While I hope they will help me a bit I do not want to rely on them for anything daily. I won't be making 10 calls a day like my father did over nothing. I won't assume that running me to countless doctors is some sort of treat for them like my father thought. I will never expect them to leave work because my tv remote is not working (my father's favorite).

Please find a way to extract yourself from this and take care of your needs first.

Also look into meals on wheels and get them enrolled so they get a hot meal and someone stopping by at lunch.

Plenty of people on here do on hands care.

1. Consider professional counseling for you. Stop going over every day. Buy a stack of tv dinners and preprepared meals and leave them in the frig and freezer. Make a stack of sandwiches. Leave them milk and boxes of cereal It sounds like they are still both good enough to call 911 if there is an emergency issue.
2. Make a plan to take a vacation and go back to work.
3. Use their money to pay for professional caregivers for 8-10 hours a day.
4. Or, transition them in to facilities.

You are in the right place here.
I encourage you to stick around on AC and read the current pages and some back pages. I know you will see similar, even mirroring situations. You are far from alone.

You have decisions to make for your future.
I am 82. I would no more require my daughter, now 63, with current retirement, and her hubby, 70, to care for me than the man-in-the-moon. It is selfish and cruel, quite honestly, to require and expect this of our children when they have FINALLY reached age of retirement, kids out and educated, and they have this window of wonderful time in which to explore the whole world until they enter the land of losses that is aging.

There may come a time when you need to sit your parents down and tell them that they will need now to have safe placement and their needs fulfilled by caretakers, so that you can resume your life.
OR you will remain where you are, and perhaps for decades, until you yourself fall to ill to continue the care, or they pass.
You are not a Saint. You are a human with limitations and with needs. Sainthood is a very bad job description if you think about it. You aren't guilty for wanting a life. You didn't cause aging and can't fix it and parents we see on our site are seldom even grateful for your becoming no longer a loving daughter, but a sad, worn out, demanding drill sergeant of a caregiver.

You do, again, have lots to think about. Consider psychological counseling to get the choices lined up and delineated. When you have specific questions, here WE are, and no, we are far from having all the answers. But sometimes it's just a matter of misery MUST have some company!
Again, welcome.

There are many who are the “ only ones “ . We can not force anyone to help .
It seems fairly common for this to end up on one person for a variety of reasons .
I’m sorry that you quit your job and are feeling depressed and isolated .
Were there no other options ? Did your parents not have funds to hire help ? Or did they refuse to allow strangers in the home ?

Have you looked into any senior services that may be available through your county ?
Do they own a home ? This could possibly be sold to pay for assisted living . What exactly do they need help with ? Can they shower themselves ? Are you making all the meals ?
Groceries can be delivered to the home , a housekeeper to clean . An aide to help with personal care ? Is any of this possible to relieve you of some of the burden ?

Many are caregivers for parents, grandparents, spouses and many are in the same situation.
There is family that may or may not help.
Some have children at home, others not.
Some have health issues of their own, some not.
What we all have to do is decide how long you can continue doing what you are doing.
Now a few things....
Have you ASKED other family members to help? by that I mean did you say "Sue, I have a doctor appointment next week can you go to mom and dad's and do the laundry and take out the garbage for them"?
or
"Mary, my friend Joan asked me to go to the movie with her on Thursday and then to dinner can you bring dinner to mom and dad"?
If you have been doing all that needs to be done they don't know what is needed.

Have you contacted a Senior Service Center and asked if they qualify for any programs that would help with caregivers or Volunteers?

If mom or dad is a Veteran have you checked to see if either or both qualify for benefits from the VA?

Are there Adult Day Programs that either or both could attend so that they get some socialization?
Have you considered Assisted Living for them? Or possibly Skilled Nursing?
Have you checked to see if either or both would qualify for Hospice? With Hospice you would no longer have the doctor appointment, a Nurse would come 1 time a week to check on them, a CNA would come 2 times a week to give a bath or shower. You would get all the supplies and medication and equipment delivered to them. And a Volunteer could be requested to either sit with them or do light housework.

Do you have POA? Are you legally able to make medical and financial decisions for them? do you know their wishes when it comes to end of life decisions?

I'm so sorry that you are in this alone. I am an only child, and I too, am currently managing my 95-yr old Mom (who lives next door to me) after having to also manage 2 of her older sisters out of state (both now passed).

There is really only 1 solution and that is to accept an alternative care strategy for them that does not expect or involve family. Your siblings get to decide their participation, they are not obligated to do it -- and neither are you (providing the in-home, hands-on care, I mean).

Your parents are going to have to accept you transitioning out of their daily care. With their own money, they will need to either move to an AL (with a continuum of care levels) or pay for aids to come into their home, pay for maintenance and repairs on their home, etc. If they think they can't afford any of that then the solution is for them to sell their home and move into a facility that accepts Medicaid and when they are close to running out of money they apply.

You do not have to be their care solution no matter how much they want it and fight against it. You need to be honest with them and tell them you are now exhausted and do not want to do it any longer, even for pay.

Do your parents have assigned PoAs? Is it you? Your brother? No PoA? If they have no PoA you will need to explain to them that in this scenario they run a very high risk of becoming wards of a court-assigned 3rd party guardian (who is not you or your sibing).

Even if they refuse to do this (or someone else is their PoA) you set up in-home aids for them then stop orbiting or even calling them daily. Many elders will send away the help. The answer to this is to report them to APS to get them on their radar as vulnerable adults. Them being in their own home with you orbiting around them gives the illusion that they are "independent". They are not. This seems like an unloving/radical thing to do, and it will get worse but then once they are in appropriate care that doesn't include you things will definitely improve. The improvement has to be for you. Caregiving has to happen on the caregiver's terms or else burnout is guaranteed. What good is a burned out daughter? Think of it as putting on your own oxygen mask first as the plane is rapidly losing altitude.

You don't give details about your Mom's cancer but I would have her assessed by her doctor for LTC in a good facility, which can be covered by Medicaid if she also qualifies financially. Or, consider a good hospice facility -- also covered by Medicare.

Also you will need strong boundaries with your emotionally abusive brother. Once he smells his inheritance being widdled away he will likely rear his ugly head so you will need to be prepared for this on all fronts. If he's concerned about it, then he will need to step in and take over the care. You must not enable the situation by continuing to insert yourself. You need to put a solution in motion then step completely away so that everyone believes you are done. No racing in to rescue them.

I'm a Mom to 3 adult sons. In no way would I ever want them to sacrifice their lives and spouses and children while caring for me personally, and I've told them as such.

I wish you clarity, wisdom, courage and peace in your heart as you do what you need to do to rescue yourself.