My husband is away working in the forestry sector Sunday through Friday every week. His mother lives in his house with us. She has dementia, and it has been getting worse. She is demanding and petulant and doing things she shouldn’t be doing, like turning on the stove at night or climbing up on stools and hiding things.
The family naturally expects that I will stay there taking care of her 24/7 - they don’t understand how depressing and difficult it is for me. Now my own father has recently died and my mother is alone. I want to be able to spend time with her through the week, but I am tied to MIL. Her doctors feel she should be in assisted living, but the family doesn’t want that. I am about to leave my marriage over this, because I can’t do this anymore. Am I being an unreasonable?
Other's expectations do NOT create a "must" for you.
What does your husband think about this situation? Have you discussed it with him?
I wouldn't focus on the "depressing and difficult" part; your MIL needs a higher level of care than one person can provide at home. She needs 24/7 monitoring and a controlled environment. One person cannot provide that. It takes a facility.
You can leave, you can start looking for a facility for MIL yourself (who has POA and what are her finances like?) or you can say that your mother is urgently in need to assistance and go to her for some indefinite amount of time, telling MIL's family that they'll need to provide care.
You might be amazed at how quickly they suddenly "get" what her real needs are.
If you're willing to leave your marriage over this then you should be willing to give your husband and "the family" a swift reality check. That would be the same reality check they would get if something suddenly happened to you e.g. your appendix burst and you need emergency surgery.
You aren't the one being the a**.
I would be giving notice and telling MIL's family that you can no longer do in-home care, and that in two weeks you will be leaving to visit your own mother for an unspecified period.
One wise caregiver from this board said "As long as YOU are the solution, they are never going to even bother to LOOK for another one".
This would allow your MIL's family to get a taste of the real picture of what is going on.
Your MIL is NOT your responsibility unless you agreed and signed a POA for her to be your responsibility. Being POA does not mean you are required to provide hands-on caregiving. It does mean it is your responsibility to make sure she is safe and cared for appropriately and that her finances are protected and managed in a way that benefits her.
Before my husband and I married, we both agreed that no parents or relatives would live with us long term.
My condolences on the loss of your father. Best of luck making your feelings understood.
I will caution you that if you think to move in with mom now, other than temporarily, you may be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
Your mom, newly widowed, will become quickly dependent on your presence and you are mutually dependent on her for a start.
So visit mom and have a discussion about some temporary arrangement that may be mutually beneficial to you both.
You describe the home you live in as HIS home. I would like you to visit an attorney SECRETLY before leaving. If you have contributed in any way financially to this home, even if in his name, then it may partially be your home as well in a divorce settlement. Also, get funds out of any mutual account, being sure to keep careful records of what you withdrew and what you are leaving.
Time to be a bit secretive. I suspect there's a good deal more wrong with your marriage than just mama on a stool. So be careful, slow and a bit secretive in your plans. You already tried it the other way, I suspect.
Then , Give notice to your husband that this is too difficult for one person to do any longer and his mother needs to go to a facility where there is a village of people to provide her care, meals , activities , housekeeping , laundry , etc .
Good Luck .
thank you all
I wish you a successful marriage and peace in your heart no matter where it all goes.
You say that "his mother lives in HIS house with us" Is it not your house as well?
Sit down and talk to your husband about the boundaries that you intend to set.
A few suggestions....
*A caregiver is hired to help you out during the week. the days your husband is gone. And if MIL is not safe at night and she wanders maybe a few nights of a caregiver as well. MIL pays for the caregivers. If MIL has no funds to pay for them the the siblings should pitch in to pay for the caregiver. YOU and your husband should not be paying since you are housing her, feeding her and caring for her.
* An honest discussion about placing MIL in a facility that will meet her care needs. In this case a Memory Care facility. you may have more luck with this discussion once the siblings see how much a caregiver will cost them 6 days a week and possibly a few nights as well.
* An honest discussion with your husband that you are ready to leave the marriage because of this.
Now the big decision for you...If the siblings agree to either provide caregivers or they all agree that the proper place for MIL is in Memory Care (NOT Assisted Living by the way) do you want to remain with your husband? That is the big question.
Of course the family doesn't want to consider any other options as long as they have you there to take care of her.
I don't know how direct you have been in your communication, but schedule a family meeting to discuss your MIL's care needs. Make it Very Clear to them what you are and are not willing to do. Don't back down. They will try and push you to be her caregiver so they don't have to come up with another solution! You continue to push back until a workable plan has been made.
Be prepared in advance with your answers. You don't have to make excuses, but you may need to explain what exactly needs to be done to meet her needs. I'll bet the rest of the family has no idea.
Then, stand your ground. Go spend time with your mother.
It is NOT unreasonable for your husband to take a leave from his job to care for his mother if he is so determined to have her cared for at home.
It would be unfortunate if this causes a separation in your marriage. Don't let your husband or anyone else guilt you into feeling this is your responsibility.
Perhaps a short stay with your mother will force some kind of action. Just let someone else try being the full time caregiver. They will come to see that it is not sustainable without professional help.
I hope your husband and his family step up and resolve this without dissolving your marriage.
Make sure the SIL who is POA is actually following through on finding a facility and doing the paperwork for your MIL's admission. You can look online and call the ones that look appropriate to find out if they have openings, and then send them to your SIL.
Don't let her slow-walk the process. If she doesn't follow through, tell your husband that you're leaving on the next Saturday to visit your mother, staying overnight for the week, and he and other family member will be responsible for your MIL's care while you're away.
If you don't get cooperation at that point, quietly visit a divorce attorney and a financial planner to figure out what you need to do to protect yourself if you do decide to leave the marriage.
Give them a date in writing (email, text) of your date where you will no longer be her caregiver. Tell them you are taking a 2 week vacation and then leave and go stay with your mother and let them deal with it so they can see.
As long as you are sitting there taking this, nothing will change. You have to make the change happen.
Since the MIL is qualified to go into memory care, that is one tough round of care giving you did. Extremely difficult to do and you did your best. Time to gather your wits and enjoy a well deserved break from the insanity.
You said "I am about to leave my marriage over this, because I can’t do this anymore. Am I being an unreasonable?"
Before you consider leaving your marriage... leave the family that expects you to be the sole caregiver. Even if y'all find a suitable facility for her to settle in, there will still be issues that everyone may expect you to handle. I suggest you try to make it plain to your husband you need a complete break and together try to make it plain to his family that for now they should not count on you.
As has already been suggested... as you move forward, do not rush into trying to solve your mother's problems. However, spending time with your mom may be the respite you both need after your father's death.
that said
your frustrations are more than valid
look up
what options are available for mil
to go into care
when you have the information time for serious talk with hubby that you can’t cope anymore and want to spend time with your own mother
i guess there has to be a balance - give and take each side
his mum/your mum
but if he’s not available that’s a lot of stress on you
It needs to be addressed with care. Your mothers dementia has reached a stage where I can’t cope anymore we need to look at care options
I can’t provide the. CAre she needs and I am feeling ill trying to cope sort of thing
plus you also need time to see your mother
hard caring conversations
if you don’t feel strong enough to address then maybe get a health care person in to assess her and tell them you can’t cope and can they recommend a course of action
it may be easier being addressed by a care professional?
any objections then maybe a rota needs to be drawn up so all children have responsibility
and you have xx days off sort of thing
—
try and talk it thru in a calm and considerate manner and you may find everyone being reasonable and helping
it is hard - but you’ll get through it -
best.
You, or even better your husband, should let the whole family know that you can't and will not do this by yourself. A short-term ultimatum will give bad results. Finding decent in-home care takes a little time, and getting her into the facility that she really should be in probably takes a month or more.
Somebody in the family has to realize that this is urgent. Urgent enough to stop what they are doing, research, make calls, make visits, handle paperwork and other requirements and see it through.
Bless you.
Bringing Everyone up to Speed
Have all the stakeholders on board from the beginning. Family members, close friends, and relatives should have full knowledge of the patient’s dementia and its ramifications. They should know what to expect, so as not to be embarrassed by the patient’s behavior when it inevitably deviates from what is considered “normal.” Most importantly, family members should learn as much as possible about dementia so they can help their loved one cope, rather than aggravate their condition.
Dealing With Disagreements
In some cases, care planning is straightforward. If you are caring for your spouse, are physically and mentally healthy, have the necessary financial means, and enjoy the unconditional support of your children, then managing the care process is relatively straightforward. You can make all the decisions with the sole focus on what is best for the patient, without having to worry about approval or interference from others.
Often, however, things are not that simple. Even close family members do not always arrive at the same conclusion at the same time. They may disagree about the nature of the problem or how best to go about solving it. Sometimes, family members might put up obstacles, rather than participate constructively. When planning for care, it is important to address interpersonal issues early on and continue on an ongoing basis.
· When planning your care strategy, have a meeting with all the stakeholders present. Discuss caregiving and related issues, including legal, financial, management, and follow-through of the plans over time. Try to reach consensus among all the parties.
· Don’t assume that everyone is on the same page regarding care planning and decisions. Most likely, you’ll find that various members of the family have different ideas and disagree on the correct approach. Discuss the issues early on and try to reach an agreement so everyone is on the same page, supports the plan, and works toward its success.
· Past grudges among family members may make it impossible for everyone to get along. Some members of the family may constantly create problems and find faults with others, without providing any help themselves. Sometimes, the best thing to do is to let them get it off their chest and then move on with the real work of planning.
· If there are many disagreements and deep family grudges going back many years, especially among the primary family members, it may help to have a neutral body, such as the family attorney or a counselor, present during these meetings.
Not being willing to be a care-slave to your MIL's neediness is not a good enough reason to dump your husband if you still love him. If you want a divorce, get one. Don't use his demented mother's care needs as the reason though.
If you and your husband love each other and want to stay together, he will understand when you tell him you cannot take care of his mother anymore. He will make other arrangements for her with his siblings.
In the meantime here's what needs to happen today. A lock gets put on the outside of your MIL's bedroom door. She gets locked in when you go to bed. He can get up with her at night to bring her to the bathroom. On the weekdays, she gets dropped off with other family when he goes to work until she gets placed in care. You do not cater to her demands and do not tolerate any petulant behavior from her. I was a caregiver for 25 years in homecare. Never tolerate tantums or ill-temper. Even when the person has dementia. You need to correct that behavior every time because it will be worse if you don't.
If she's getting up at night turning on the stove and hiding things, she probably needs more care than assisted living provides. It sounds like she needs memory care. This has to happen. Tell your husband you're going to your mother's house this weekend. When his mother is placed in residential care, you'll come back.
My aunt has dementia and I live long distance. My cousins live close and they were all over me hoping I would move in and take care of her.
I suggested we get a caregiver. They came back with, "you should know aunt made it clear, she doesn't want strangers in her house ". How about she goes in a facility? They got highly offended saying they didn't want to do that to her, making her think we forgot about her. The solution was me. NOPE. I gave what I could in terms of helping and I walked away. Aunt is still home, but has an aid coming in.
You're not being unreasonable. Stand up for yourself, even if you have to walk away from these users. Don't let them do it to you. As long as you keep doing, they will expect it and you will be stuck and the solution. Save yourself!
I noticed that you said your husband is going to support your desire to resign as caregiver, and that the POA is looking for facility placement.
GOOD FOR YOU FOR SPEAKING UP FOR YOURSELF!!!!!
If at hospital discharge time the POA tries to change her mind, stand firm. Tell her your home is unsafe due to MIL possibly burning the place down by turning on the stove. Your MIL really does need facility placement for her own safety.
Yes, this sort of thing is marriage ending.
She will have a village, you and hubby can go visit and be her son and dil, not her overly stressed, unhappy caregivers.
I found that visits were easier with a plan, how do I control the visit to make it an enrichment period for my loved one. Whether that is playing catch with a plush stuffed animal, having a special treat together, going for a walk around the facility or whatever rocks her boat.
Placing a parent in a facilty was the hardest thing I have ever done, your husband may feel the same, it is important to remember that sometimes there are no good choices, only the least bad for the situation. That's where he is now, she will be okay and he will be her advocate to ensure that.
"He agreed that it was too much for one person, and has agreed to see about getting her into a memory care facility. He has already spoke to the Care Coordinator and now that she is in hospital after her incident, the social worker feels they should keep her there until a bed becomes available. Husband is sad and feeling guilty like maybe he should have quit his job and stayed home full time, but I explained to him that he would also find it to be very trying. He was not wanting a part time live in caregiver to be hired into our home, as they are private people. So really this is the only option."