My mom is almost 90 and physically pretty healthy, but she complains about everything. She said she wishes she could die. This has been going on for 3 years. I try to remain positive because that is who I am. She hates everything but me (I think). I am an only child and visit her every other day. Old age is not kind to her body that bruises so easily, her teeth, which she has take care of, are now breaking off or falling out. She is lonely and outlived her friends that she use to talk to. Her friends now are two people that are in their 50s that are so kind to talk with her everyday. She has improved some; two years ago, she just stayed in the bed. Now she gets up and walks the floor all day and looks out the window seeing everyone else enjoying their lives. She won't take medication and her doctor really doesn't want her to because of elderly are prone to fall. She has no hobbies, nothing to occupy her mind except things she doesn't like. She hates the vacant lot that has a lot of trees on it that sheds into her yard. Stuff like that. Is there anybody out there in Aging Care land going through this as well?
thx
In fact, on one of our recent visits, my husband asked her to tell him ONE thing she was grateful for. One single thing. She thought about it, scratched her head, did some hemming & hawing, and could not come up with ONE thing she was grateful for. After nearly 95 years of life on Earth, various nice houses she's lived in, a huge wardrobe of great clothes, 2 grandchildren and a great-grandson, many exotic cruises, and on and on, not ONE thing could she think of to be grateful for. That about summarizes my mother. And probably yours too.
Long ago, I decided to stop trying to make her happy. It's an exercise in futility. I quit trying to fix problems she didn't want solutions for. She wants to be miserable. She wants to complain. She wants to be The Victim and The Poor Soul, so have at it mother. It's not my job (or your job) to make our mother's happy because it's an inside job. If nothing has made them happy after 9+ decades, nothing is going to. And there ain't no Happy Pill on earth gonna do it either.
My mother also says she 'wants to die' on a regular basis, which couldn't be further from the truth. It's just a ploy to garner sympathy from us, the only children who should be and could be doing more for them but aren't. I know the drill, I've been hearing it for decades now. About how she wants to 'jump out the window' or 'run out into traffic' to end her life, but it's all nonsense. I was recently called 'cold' for saying things like this, but hey, I call it as I see it. After being the victim of such a difficult mother for such a long time, I am paying my experiences forward for those who are suffering now. If my words can help YOU, then I'm happy and I've done a good thing. We are the ones who have to harden OUR hearts to all the misery THEY dole out, otherwise, we're in the psychiatrist's chair & eating anti-depressants like Tic-Tac, let's face it. Please cut back on your visits a bit if you find yourself getting depressed as a result of all the negativity, ok?
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
So, the thing to do is try to make the most of the time we do have left. Have you thought of trying to get her to write down or record memories of her life? There are lots of sources from prompts to start discussions, like "who was your favorite teacher" which leads to discussions about school days, or "what kind of house did you live in" which starts discussions of home.
It's a great way to both fill up the lonely hours but also a way to connect, to educate the next generation, and to perhaps bring back memories of happier times when everything worked better and cares were fewer.
Cannabis is now legal in many states, and in other states a medical marijuana card can be obtained.
You mom doesn't need to smoke a joint to get the wonderful, mellowing benefits of Cannabis. I use a tincture, and it helps me tremendously with mood. Talk to a sympathetic doctor and do some research.
I would also consider changing her doctor. Her doc seems clueless about mood meds. My 99-yr old aunt and 88-yr old MIL are greatly helped by taking them and it didn't affect their balance. Seniors lose their balance in their homes for a variety of other reasons. Depression is brutal and she needs a more understanding physician. You would need to dispense any med to her to ensure she is taking them.
So, it's been a depressing roller coaster of negativity and verbal abuse for a decade. After a long hospital stay and 60 days in skilled nursing, I was able to move her into an assisted living facility late last year. But, I am still stuck dealing with her and now the probability that she will outlive her money. She demanded a cell phone for months and I finally caved and bought her one of those Jitterbug type phones. I have her ringtone set to "silent" as I seriously suffer from PTSD when she calls, after a decade of being at her back & call for every whim and constant drama and emergencies.
I am 54 and run a small business. I work 6 full days a week. As an only, I am very alone in this world and I cannot afford to sacrifice my financial future and health for her. Honestly I have felt I was fighting for my own life at various times throughout this journey. When I was 50, mom actually told me she did not know how I could continue to live my life, with theirs crumbling in the manner that it was. She has told me I "owe" her for raising me. I fell that I have been manipulated and used, to some extent, because of my lonely-only status. As my parents unraveled there were two of them, fighting with each other constantly, and one of me receiving multiple calls per day to leave my work and solve their problems.
My mom has done nothing since age 70 except sit around and lament that her life has been much harder than most people's lives. She has run off the few friends she had. No hobbies, hates TV, hates music. She flat out told me that she would no longer do anything for me, period, and that she now expected everything to be done for her.
Sorry for the long rant. An only child with a negative, nasty mom is, sadly, my status in life now. Never expected it to be this way. I wish I would have moved far away from them when we were all young, but what do you do with two old parents that live almost next door? I got sucked into the vortex and I am still here....
The aide happens to be aunts favorite temp. Her regular has been off a month. But the aide has about had it with DH aunt talking so ugly. She is young. Not 30, very pretty little tiny thing. I asked her if she was able to change her. She said “No. I left”. I told her the secret was to make her laugh. I suggested she go back in and say in her best Jack Nicholson voice “Im Baack”
A few minutes later I went by aunts door and listened in to see if I was needed. They were talking about aunts birthday tomorrow. The aid had asked her how old she would be tomorrow. “88 said aunt, No I think 89 tomorrow”.
So my suggestion is if you are going to visit, try to make it count. You, yourself have fun with it. Try to make her laugh.
Do something silly. If she won’t laugh, moon her and be on your way.
When my husband (20 years older) passed away last year after 42+ years together, it was a very painful time. Caregiving, Covid restrictions, palliative care, then hospice, and downsizing our home became overwhelming at times. My daughter has her own full life with 2 children, a husband and a full-time career.
My biggest fear is that I become a burden to her from any form of cognitive impairment, as I experienced it first-hand with my husband. Taking any kind of mood altering drugs hastens dementia--so taking something for depression is totally out of the question. The same for anesthesia, so avoiding any procedures that would require even mild sedation is not negotiable. Point is to keep moving, eat healthy, and try to to regain some positive perspective on life while you still can.
My daughter and S-I-L thought it would be a good idea to combine households after my husband passed away. As most grief counselors will advise: never make life-altering decisions while still in the earliest stages of grief. This was not the best decision I ever made. There's a reason why parents and adult children do not live together. What's that phrase: TMI. Yikes, I went from being a full time caregiver to my ill husband, trying to still run our distribution business, moving for the 2nd time in under 2 years, to now residing in my in-law apartment in the same home as my daughter and her family.
Now I can witness that daily drama first-hand and deal with a bratty teenager, an 11 yo grandson doing virtual school (I'm his learning coach), buying the food for the family, cooking meals daily, not having any people around that are my age. Life is certainly different.
There are times when I'm so depressed that I too would like to check-out, but I'm fortunate that I have a family to be able to do for. My daughter's plate is full, she works long days in the healthcare field and doesn't have the time or energy to get meals on the table. I love to cook, so the main kitchen is my domain. It's not ideal, but it works. But this is not at all how I pictured my "golden years". Getting old sucks, but causing more stress on my daughter isn't going to change things. It's hard to snap out of that downward spiral many older people find themselves in: failing health, loss of spouses and friends, isolation from Covid, loss of communication with anyone. Our coping skills need a serious overhaul. But on the upside, keeping so busy that I don't have time to wallow in self-pity may be my life-saver.
Sorry for the long rant. And I can only offer this bit of advice from someone in the same boat as some of your Moms: try a little kindness and patience. It's difficult when the child becomes the parent and the parent acts like a child. Sometimes it's better to take a time-out. Go for a walk, go outside in the yard, go to another room. Give each other some space when the situation spirals out of control. Take a small bunch of flowers or some candy when you go visit. Take something home cooked to brighten their day. What's that old adage, "Kill them with kindness"! Life's too short for bitterness. When you know in your heart that you've done your best, that's the memories you'll want to carry with you once they're gone.
**This forum was a blessing while I was caring for my terminal husband--so many helpful ideas and different perspectives about what I was experiencing. Glad I still belong.