Follow
Share

Her dad's health was declining taking care of her mom with Alzheimer's. My friend was recently widowed, her siblings, and children aren't helpful. She took her dad to a lawyer to draw up papers (advance directives, Will, DNR's etc.)That's when she found her dad is leaving everything to the oldest son, and refuses to place his wife in a home. Her mom is combative, and berates her dad, which breaks her heart.
Her mother doesn't know my friend anymore, and thinks my friend's house is hers. She feels like a prisoner in her home. I need direction. I don't want to make things more tense for her. Suggestions on how I can help. What kinds of things would you want someone to offer you as a caregiver? Thank you

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

36 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
1 2
Personally, I think this is more than one person can handle, especially after recently losing her husband, and especially with a stubborn father and combative mother. Your friend will soon become exasperated, frustrated, worn down and may or likely become ill herself.

However, if she's committed to keeping her parents in her home, I would do this:

1. Your friend's brother needs to "get with the program" and work in concert with his sister to provide respite care, transportation and anything else needed. And he should do this regardless of the fact that he's the sole heir.

As an aside, I'm wondering if there's friction between the father and your friend, as it seems quite draconian to not consider the person who's going to be caring for him.

2. Your friend should get a caregiving contract for her parents to pay for her services. Her father would have to sign it. Since she's not getting any help, this can help offset the cost for help as well as her lost work time and benefits accrual.

3. I'm wondering if her father has dementia; at a minimum, he seems to be uncooperative and stubborn and apparently unaware that his wife's medical and mental condition has and will continue to deteriorate.

4. Your friend should try to get her mother to see a physician who can address her combativeness. I suspect, however, that her mother won't cooperate. Do you know if her mother is taking any meds to control her hostility?

5. From your description, I think her mother REALLY does need a placement with staff that know how to treat dementia. If the father has given his son sole DPOA authority, this is another reason why the son needs to become involved immediately so he can act on that authority if he can do so w/o a declaration of dementia for his father. That would all depend on the wording of the DPOA.

6. Your friend will need assistance in the house for basic housekeeping, as she soon will be too stressed and/or tired to do so. Help her find an agency, screen the staff, and work with her to bring them on board with a checklist of tasks to be done.

7. Your friend probably could use some at home health care aides as well. She'll need to contact her parents' physician(s) and get a script. You could research health care agencies and help her select one with staff that are experienced with Alzheimer's.

8. The Alzheimer's Assn. has a program titled Creating Confident Caregivers. Check with your local association to see if it offers that course, and ask if either you or your friend can attend.

http://www.alz.org/mglc/in_my_community_58958.asp

9. Contact your local AAA and Alzheimer's Assn. to see if they have any other programs that could help. You can do the leg work in obtaining the information for your friend to read.

I'm curious why your friend felt she could handle this situation on her own, without sibling or children help. One of the things that might be best of all is to help her understand she's undertaking a monumental and probably doomed to failure task, and will more than likely ruin her own health in the process.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
You ask what you can do to help your friend. Garden Artist has given you the great checklist. All I can add is to always be her best friend. This will mean that you are her support system: Listen to her vent about anything and everything. Eventually her only world will be full of grumpy older people. Be the "positive" in her life. Get her out of the house for lunch or book club or a walk in the park every week. Encourage her to have a small part of her own life. You sound like a wonderful caring friend! :)
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Mincemeat makes a very important suggestion - to remain as her friend.

There will be times when everything seems overwhelming, your parents are either stubborn, angry, hostile or uncooperative, and you ask not only why this is happening but why you accepted this responsibility and what has happened to your own life.

Then a friend comes along and helps to keep life in perspective, to remind you that there are options to choose even if they're difficult ones and create a division in the family.

If there was one thing I would do over it's to plan a luncheon or get-together with a friend on a weekly basis, just to remain in touch with the real world.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
I think this is going to totally overload your friend in short order. Given all she has been through and no help from family this arrangement spells disaster.

It's probably not you're place to tell her she's making a mistake but you might tell her that's it's important to take care of herself first. Garden and Mince have given you great, detailed advice. If she insists on going through with this plan you could be a great help to her by helping with errands, shopping, and if you're up to it, staying with her folks so she can get out of the house. Everyone should have a friend like you.......
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Thank you all for your kind words, and suggestions. My friend has a beautiful heart, but I do agree she needs to set limits. It has been a downfall through her life. I misspoke when I said she has no help. One of her daughters comes to the house a few times a week while my friend is working. She brings her daughter around 10 months old. It is great that she has someone there with them a few hours a day. The problem is before her parents moved in my friend would go to her daughter's house a few times a week to see her. granddaughter, now she rarely gets to see that little bit of sunshine in her life. I can't say anything pleasant about her other daughter. I think she's embarrassed at how selfish she is, and not just this situation. She told my friend it's the children's responsibility to take care of the parents, not the grandchildren. (@#%$^) I think the brother should be forking in not only time, but money. My friend barely scrapes by, and her brother has millions. Frankly, I'd rather not have the money, if it made me that kind of person. I am going to print out your suggestions and speak to my friend. I don't want to get too personal about finances, but I feel any money coming out of pocket should be from her parents, even if they have to put a lien on his estate. Why should she be drowning in stress and debt to leave it to her brother??????
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Actually, it's the elders who should be paying for their own care, not expecting their children or grandchildren to give up their jobs or security to do so.

It's well neigh impossible for a single person to care for a dementia patient. I can't emphasize enough the need for respite for the caregiver.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
I took care of my parents mostly my dad he had alz it was hard hopefully ur friend could do whatever you need ..but if i had to do it all.over again i would
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Absolutely - if her parents have moved into her house permanently, she needs to get the money sorted. She ought not to be paying their bills.

Other than that, I just wanted to add to the vote of thanks to you for being such a good friend. People like you make the caregiving life bearable. Stick with her!
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
She'd probably appreciate food - easy to heat meals like hearty soups and stews, muffins or quick breads. Maybe one casserole to heat now, another for the freezer.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
The fact that your friend works out of the home and has a job only lends credence to the implausibility of this arrangement. She's going to come home after a busy or long day at work and be faced with caregiving chores that are going to drain her.

Just curious - why does she feels she needs to do this? Why isn't her brother involved?
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
I do not like this situation one little bit. Friend is to provide the care, make arrangements for appontments, administer meds, help with hygiene and everything else. At this rate she will either be fired from her paying job or become too tired to carry on as she has. Then what? Parents, if not paying for care and contributing to the household, need to go to a facility. Granddaughter certainly will not carry on with her schedule of visits for long. That baby will get sick and should not be visiting. Then granddaughter will become sick herself. Then what?

And it would really tick me off to find out a wealthy sibling, that does nothing to provide care, or do his dities under the POA, is the only beneficiary to Dad's estate. Why would parent do that? This arrangement has enough problems as it is, then find out there is no chamce of ever being compensated? Is that the way Dad really wants it? Or did brother dear unduly influence dad to do this?

Sorry, if I were your friend, I would be delivering mom and dad to either the nearest assisted living center, or on brother's doorstep. In fact, make sure your friend understands she will grow tired of this very quickly. If there is an emergency that requires either of them to be hospitalized, she can refuse to take them hom simply stating she is not able to provide for their care any longer. Does she have any idea what the cost would be for them to be in a facility?! Ten thousand dollars a month would be on the low end for the two of them. My mom and hubby are in a facility, different areas because of mom's care needs due to Alzheimer's. They spend more than $12,000.00 a month. This is what your friend is in effect gifting mom and dad, to say nothing of what she is gifting her wealthy, detached, self absorbed brother in terms of increased value of HIS inheritance!
Helpful Answer (10)
Report
mule32023, have your friend come to this website and read everything she can from the Aging Care articles to a lot of the forum threads, it's a real eye opener.

One thing I am very worried about, you say your friend's daughter comes to the house with her 10 month old child.... how do the parents interact with the child? With Alzheimer's/Dementia comes a stage of hostility and jealousy which a baby shouldn't be exposed. You wrote her Mom is already combative.

Before your friend knows it, she will be quitting work long before her time, and doing 3 full shifts of caregiving x2, so she will be exhausted and her health will suffer. I read where 40% of caregivers die leaving behind their love one, not good odds.

Where did the parents live before moving in with your friend? Could they afford assisted living that also offers memory care?
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
All of the above is such great advice, and all the more reason for you to point here this direction and to this website! The people, the Caregivers here are an amazing group of people, and a wealth of information, both on caregiving, finances, and in support of the caregiver! Also, YOU are an Amazing friend to have taken the time to do some research on finding her some resources, and polling the appropriate people on just how to continue being such a wonderful and supportive friend! We should all be so lucky to have a good friend like you! Thank you for your kindness!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
I don't know the dynamics of her family (siblings) that well. The reason I feel she needed to do this is because her father was getting sick trying to care for her. Like me, she tries to fix everything. She doesn't like confrontation. She is a very nurturing person, however I think she has been taken advantage of because of her good nature. I think she took this own not knowing just how difficult it was going to be. My plan to make food as Linda 22 suggested. That will get me in the door, so to speak. If I do that a few weeks in a row, stop by, hopefully I can create some kind of relationship with her parents, enough to sit with them occasionally while my friend gets out. I am so grateful for this forum. You have all made me feel I can be a support to them.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
I just feel a bit uncomfortable posting too much of her personal info, but I've gone this far. so here goes.....Her parents own 2 houses. The one house my friend says they probably owe more on then they will get when they sell. Her RICH brother is a contractor, and did a lot of work on the other house (shore house) worth big money. Are you ready for this???? The brother is using the parent's income to maintain (taxes etc) on the house he is supposed to inherit.
The more I think about the situation the more I'm ready to blow my top!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Mule, you are great. Really, I'm so impressed at your approach, the way you're aware that there will be all kinds of unknown factors in the situation but at the same time alert to the pitfalls your friend might fall into. If you have as much tact as you have good sense, then I'm 100% confident you'll be able to guide your friend towards getting her parents' care arranged on a fair, practical basis. Best of luck, please update.

And, by the way, depending on how you think she'd feel about an internet forum, don't forget we're here for her too if she wants to unload. This is a very safe place to chew things over and feel supported.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Mule, I certainly would not hurt for your friend to talk with an Elder Law attorney. I think most parents would want to make sure the one providing the care is taken care of. I am very curious how the brother arranged what it sounds like he has done.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Again, Thank you all. I know life is not fair, and we have to pick and choose our battles, but when I see such an injustice, I feel the need to speak up.
I plan to see my friend on Saturday. I will give her the website address, and ask her if she wants me to contact Elder Care for her. I took care of an elderly neighbor Between 9/09 and 11/12 when I saw the way another neighbor who had been "caring for him" was treating him. Subsequently, I found out she didn't want to care for him because she had burnt through his lifesavings. It was one of the saddest things I've ever experienced. He had carried her into her house when she came home from the hospital, and 40 some years later she robbed him blind. I started a case with the DA, but he was so weaken and devastated by the time it was supposed to go to court, he didn't want to testify. I wish I could post a picture of him. He was such a sweet gentleman.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I found a way to post neighbor! I put Leon in my profile picture, but I couldn't rotate the picture. This was on his 87th Birthday, about 2 months before his death. That smile warms my heart.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
To rotate Mule you need to do it on your computer, then resave it. Right click the image, options will come up including rotate clockwise. That should fix it.

He is a very cute old man!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
And he looks even better right side up! ;)
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I'm curious how you "started a case with the DA" for the neighbor. Did you have a DPOA on his behalf? Otherwise, I'm not sure you had standing to initiate a criminal case. Just curious.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Do you need standing for a criminal case? Anybody can report a crime. Maybe it is different with elderly victims? But, that doesn't make sense. Many of them need the most protection.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Glad, no, you're correct. I interpreted the comment about "starting a case" as well as the observation that the individual was too weak to go to court to indicate that Mule in fact perceived he was "handling" the case for his friend. "Start a case" suggests some level of involvement and responsibility as opposed to "reporting the crime, or incident."

Perhaps I misinterpreted Mule's comment; that happens frequently as posts aren't often clear.

"Standing" would mean that Mule was in fact acting on behalf of his friend, pursuant to a DPOA, guardianship or Next Friend action. He would have in fact required legal authority to start a case and pursue it.

Thanks for bringing that to my attention.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
GA, I may have misinterpreted as well. Hopefully, Mule will come back and clarify.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
Going backward, the neighbor who stole from Leon was his DPOA. When Leon started receiving calls telling him he was in collection, bills not getting paid, he asked me to be his DPOA. I told him I didn't mind shopping for him, taking him to the doctors, helping around the house and putting his medicines in his pill organizers, but I didn't feel comfortable being DPOA. He was relentless. Finally one day I caved in and said yes. He told me he prayed every night God would send him some one to take care of him. As we both cried I told him that was the biggest compliment I ever received....I was an answer to a prayer. After the paper work was completed, I was able to obtain his bank statements and checks. His #SS and veteran's benefits were being withdrawn days after being deposited. I contacted the DA, and gave them what I found. They told me he would have to press charges
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
He didn't want to do a deposition, and be questioned. At that point just making him think about it made him cry and depressed. As much as I wanted to see that evil woman prosecuted I respected his wishes. It wasn't like he would ever see a cent of it again. I just hope the letters sent to her from his lawyer scared her enogh not to ever try it on someone else. Hope this cleared things up.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Mule, now I understand, I think. But don't understand why he would have to testify of depose, if you have the proof. I suppose her word unless he wanted to counter that. Makes you wonder what they do in case of dementia. POA can do whatever they please because the person would never be able to testify against them. :/
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
I agree, Glad. The man might be asked to provide additional information, but since Mule had the proof, that would be enough to initiate the criminal charges. In my experience and in Michigan, there would then be a preliminary hearing to determine if sufficient evidence existed to bind over the defendant to Circuit Court, and witnesses might be required at that point. That might what Mule refers to.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
If the brother is the only one in Dad's will (the favored or golden child), this might have some elements of needing to earn Dad's love or approval which was never available. In this case its often not about the money but more about proving you can sacrifice yourself sufficiently enough to earn Dad's love. This unmet long term need for parent approval can drive very long term self-sacrificing behaviors.
Most of the time, it only ends when the adult child realizes its never going to come from them, and learns to set boundaries and move into caring for themselves better.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
1 2
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter