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Her dad's health was declining taking care of her mom with Alzheimer's. My friend was recently widowed, her siblings, and children aren't helpful. She took her dad to a lawyer to draw up papers (advance directives, Will, DNR's etc.)That's when she found her dad is leaving everything to the oldest son, and refuses to place his wife in a home. Her mom is combative, and berates her dad, which breaks her heart.
Her mother doesn't know my friend anymore, and thinks my friend's house is hers. She feels like a prisoner in her home. I need direction. I don't want to make things more tense for her. Suggestions on how I can help. What kinds of things would you want someone to offer you as a caregiver? Thank you

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The fact that you came here to share about your friend is lovely. Keep on caring! You are a good friend....

As others have said, this sounds like a toxic situation. I would advise you to limit your exposure, too! Find your limit and don't go over it, but bringing food and/or being with your friend once or twice a month I'm sure could be a lifesaver for her.

She probably needs a lot of listening. Again, if you get overwhelmed, protect yourself. It is best if she uses your sounding board skills to vent and move forward, not to let herself cling to an impossible situation. As gently as possible, make the suggestions above, maybe one at a time so she can hear -- when she is at her wit's end, she may be open to them after a bit of venting!

Again, I applaud you on being a good friend.
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Wow! Tough position. Friend (mule 32023) tell your friend to get educated. Start with this website. She needs the DPOA for both parents to make those decisions that her mother can't and father won't. It's not easy!! If a sibling has that control, she can't change anything. Brother may inherit what's left, but she needs to know how she can be compensated for her efforts. A service contract or maybe guardianship is the answer. She needs to acknowledge this is a huge undertaking for just one parent. And her mother "left the building" some time ago. Very painful to not be recognized. If your friend does not realize these truths she will suffer and you as her friend can only listen and sympathize. The home cooked meals is a great idea. Sitting with the parents for short spells is also great, but your friend needs to learn as much as possible as soon as possible before the trouble gets worse. It's not easy and can be very emotionally painful. She MUST take care of herself first. And that's a hard concept. Dad's attitude about son's inheritance is old-school thinking. He expects his daughter to take care of them without arguments. He cannot emotionally handle putting his wife in a home. Nothings going to change there. Elderly people can only understand what they've always understood. Better to find a place for both of them together, or have professional help coming in the home of your friend. Hugs and Prayers to all concerned here.
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Sounds like Chauvenism is at work here too.... (son like father)... why do you think "mom" has become combative... I know, I'm assuming... I would do all I could to get the parents out of the friends' home and into some assisted living/nursing home situation. Your friend is being taken advantage of to no end. So very sad.
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Just be there for her.
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It sounds like Dad may also have issues with decision making. Encourage your friend to get mom properly placed, with a court order if necessary. Dad may settle down after that, or the court evaluator may recommend placement for him as well.
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Don't u love it. They leave the money to the person who does nothing. I would tell Dad that I took more on than I can handle. That he needs to find a place that will except both him and her mother. If he gets mad oh well, she can't be taken out of the will. I know it shouldn't be the money but to leave it to the child that doesn't have any responsibility for their care. I think this brother has been always favored and maybe she is trying to show her parents she is there too.
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If the brother is the only one in Dad's will (the favored or golden child), this might have some elements of needing to earn Dad's love or approval which was never available. In this case its often not about the money but more about proving you can sacrifice yourself sufficiently enough to earn Dad's love. This unmet long term need for parent approval can drive very long term self-sacrificing behaviors.
Most of the time, it only ends when the adult child realizes its never going to come from them, and learns to set boundaries and move into caring for themselves better.
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I agree, Glad. The man might be asked to provide additional information, but since Mule had the proof, that would be enough to initiate the criminal charges. In my experience and in Michigan, there would then be a preliminary hearing to determine if sufficient evidence existed to bind over the defendant to Circuit Court, and witnesses might be required at that point. That might what Mule refers to.
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Mule, now I understand, I think. But don't understand why he would have to testify of depose, if you have the proof. I suppose her word unless he wanted to counter that. Makes you wonder what they do in case of dementia. POA can do whatever they please because the person would never be able to testify against them. :/
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He didn't want to do a deposition, and be questioned. At that point just making him think about it made him cry and depressed. As much as I wanted to see that evil woman prosecuted I respected his wishes. It wasn't like he would ever see a cent of it again. I just hope the letters sent to her from his lawyer scared her enogh not to ever try it on someone else. Hope this cleared things up.
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Going backward, the neighbor who stole from Leon was his DPOA. When Leon started receiving calls telling him he was in collection, bills not getting paid, he asked me to be his DPOA. I told him I didn't mind shopping for him, taking him to the doctors, helping around the house and putting his medicines in his pill organizers, but I didn't feel comfortable being DPOA. He was relentless. Finally one day I caved in and said yes. He told me he prayed every night God would send him some one to take care of him. As we both cried I told him that was the biggest compliment I ever received....I was an answer to a prayer. After the paper work was completed, I was able to obtain his bank statements and checks. His #SS and veteran's benefits were being withdrawn days after being deposited. I contacted the DA, and gave them what I found. They told me he would have to press charges
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GA, I may have misinterpreted as well. Hopefully, Mule will come back and clarify.
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Glad, no, you're correct. I interpreted the comment about "starting a case" as well as the observation that the individual was too weak to go to court to indicate that Mule in fact perceived he was "handling" the case for his friend. "Start a case" suggests some level of involvement and responsibility as opposed to "reporting the crime, or incident."

Perhaps I misinterpreted Mule's comment; that happens frequently as posts aren't often clear.

"Standing" would mean that Mule was in fact acting on behalf of his friend, pursuant to a DPOA, guardianship or Next Friend action. He would have in fact required legal authority to start a case and pursue it.

Thanks for bringing that to my attention.
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Do you need standing for a criminal case? Anybody can report a crime. Maybe it is different with elderly victims? But, that doesn't make sense. Many of them need the most protection.
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I'm curious how you "started a case with the DA" for the neighbor. Did you have a DPOA on his behalf? Otherwise, I'm not sure you had standing to initiate a criminal case. Just curious.
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And he looks even better right side up! ;)
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To rotate Mule you need to do it on your computer, then resave it. Right click the image, options will come up including rotate clockwise. That should fix it.

He is a very cute old man!
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I found a way to post neighbor! I put Leon in my profile picture, but I couldn't rotate the picture. This was on his 87th Birthday, about 2 months before his death. That smile warms my heart.
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Again, Thank you all. I know life is not fair, and we have to pick and choose our battles, but when I see such an injustice, I feel the need to speak up.
I plan to see my friend on Saturday. I will give her the website address, and ask her if she wants me to contact Elder Care for her. I took care of an elderly neighbor Between 9/09 and 11/12 when I saw the way another neighbor who had been "caring for him" was treating him. Subsequently, I found out she didn't want to care for him because she had burnt through his lifesavings. It was one of the saddest things I've ever experienced. He had carried her into her house when she came home from the hospital, and 40 some years later she robbed him blind. I started a case with the DA, but he was so weaken and devastated by the time it was supposed to go to court, he didn't want to testify. I wish I could post a picture of him. He was such a sweet gentleman.
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Mule, I certainly would not hurt for your friend to talk with an Elder Law attorney. I think most parents would want to make sure the one providing the care is taken care of. I am very curious how the brother arranged what it sounds like he has done.
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Mule, you are great. Really, I'm so impressed at your approach, the way you're aware that there will be all kinds of unknown factors in the situation but at the same time alert to the pitfalls your friend might fall into. If you have as much tact as you have good sense, then I'm 100% confident you'll be able to guide your friend towards getting her parents' care arranged on a fair, practical basis. Best of luck, please update.

And, by the way, depending on how you think she'd feel about an internet forum, don't forget we're here for her too if she wants to unload. This is a very safe place to chew things over and feel supported.
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I just feel a bit uncomfortable posting too much of her personal info, but I've gone this far. so here goes.....Her parents own 2 houses. The one house my friend says they probably owe more on then they will get when they sell. Her RICH brother is a contractor, and did a lot of work on the other house (shore house) worth big money. Are you ready for this???? The brother is using the parent's income to maintain (taxes etc) on the house he is supposed to inherit.
The more I think about the situation the more I'm ready to blow my top!
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I don't know the dynamics of her family (siblings) that well. The reason I feel she needed to do this is because her father was getting sick trying to care for her. Like me, she tries to fix everything. She doesn't like confrontation. She is a very nurturing person, however I think she has been taken advantage of because of her good nature. I think she took this own not knowing just how difficult it was going to be. My plan to make food as Linda 22 suggested. That will get me in the door, so to speak. If I do that a few weeks in a row, stop by, hopefully I can create some kind of relationship with her parents, enough to sit with them occasionally while my friend gets out. I am so grateful for this forum. You have all made me feel I can be a support to them.
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All of the above is such great advice, and all the more reason for you to point here this direction and to this website! The people, the Caregivers here are an amazing group of people, and a wealth of information, both on caregiving, finances, and in support of the caregiver! Also, YOU are an Amazing friend to have taken the time to do some research on finding her some resources, and polling the appropriate people on just how to continue being such a wonderful and supportive friend! We should all be so lucky to have a good friend like you! Thank you for your kindness!
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mule32023, have your friend come to this website and read everything she can from the Aging Care articles to a lot of the forum threads, it's a real eye opener.

One thing I am very worried about, you say your friend's daughter comes to the house with her 10 month old child.... how do the parents interact with the child? With Alzheimer's/Dementia comes a stage of hostility and jealousy which a baby shouldn't be exposed. You wrote her Mom is already combative.

Before your friend knows it, she will be quitting work long before her time, and doing 3 full shifts of caregiving x2, so she will be exhausted and her health will suffer. I read where 40% of caregivers die leaving behind their love one, not good odds.

Where did the parents live before moving in with your friend? Could they afford assisted living that also offers memory care?
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I do not like this situation one little bit. Friend is to provide the care, make arrangements for appontments, administer meds, help with hygiene and everything else. At this rate she will either be fired from her paying job or become too tired to carry on as she has. Then what? Parents, if not paying for care and contributing to the household, need to go to a facility. Granddaughter certainly will not carry on with her schedule of visits for long. That baby will get sick and should not be visiting. Then granddaughter will become sick herself. Then what?

And it would really tick me off to find out a wealthy sibling, that does nothing to provide care, or do his dities under the POA, is the only beneficiary to Dad's estate. Why would parent do that? This arrangement has enough problems as it is, then find out there is no chamce of ever being compensated? Is that the way Dad really wants it? Or did brother dear unduly influence dad to do this?

Sorry, if I were your friend, I would be delivering mom and dad to either the nearest assisted living center, or on brother's doorstep. In fact, make sure your friend understands she will grow tired of this very quickly. If there is an emergency that requires either of them to be hospitalized, she can refuse to take them hom simply stating she is not able to provide for their care any longer. Does she have any idea what the cost would be for them to be in a facility?! Ten thousand dollars a month would be on the low end for the two of them. My mom and hubby are in a facility, different areas because of mom's care needs due to Alzheimer's. They spend more than $12,000.00 a month. This is what your friend is in effect gifting mom and dad, to say nothing of what she is gifting her wealthy, detached, self absorbed brother in terms of increased value of HIS inheritance!
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The fact that your friend works out of the home and has a job only lends credence to the implausibility of this arrangement. She's going to come home after a busy or long day at work and be faced with caregiving chores that are going to drain her.

Just curious - why does she feels she needs to do this? Why isn't her brother involved?
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She'd probably appreciate food - easy to heat meals like hearty soups and stews, muffins or quick breads. Maybe one casserole to heat now, another for the freezer.
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Absolutely - if her parents have moved into her house permanently, she needs to get the money sorted. She ought not to be paying their bills.

Other than that, I just wanted to add to the vote of thanks to you for being such a good friend. People like you make the caregiving life bearable. Stick with her!
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I took care of my parents mostly my dad he had alz it was hard hopefully ur friend could do whatever you need ..but if i had to do it all.over again i would
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