My friend has been showing signs of Level 4+ dementia for a couple of years. She can appear normal to manic/euphoric at "showtime," become arrogant, and accusatory, or start a tantrum as a weepy, vulnerable manipulator.
She has had three long marriages, each of which ended with the husband growing weary of her self-centeredness and leaving her for a woman with whom he spent the remainder of his life (an equal or greater number of years). Wealthy husband No. 2, who cut off all communication after the divorce 20+ years ago, has died. His reasons for divorcing were quite specific, she was locked out of their homes, and his sentiments were reflected in the settlement.
She is relieved he is gone, but wants to attend the funeral and has asked for my thoughts. I have reminded her how hurt she was, how long it took for her to stop publicly obsessing over it (repeating victim stories many years into her third marriage), and that the other woman will be front and center with the family at the funeral.
Revealing what compels her after all these years, she says she wants to be there to "greet their friends," Who she confirms she has not socialized with since the divorce, and to find out if her ex-husband included her in his Will. I am appalled. All of this sounds like poor timing, bad judgment, attention-seeking, delusional wife competition, and unmoored thinking.
I have suggested she might be happier making meaningful overtures to former friends at a better, more positive time when she would get focused attention, and to have a quiet, private phone call with the attorney, but she seems fixated on creating a visible role for herself at the funeral. Is there another way to handle this? I'm unsure my full thoughts on the subject would be a helpful answer to her question about attending.
I experienced a situation where my brother's ex wife showed up and made a complete a$$ out of herself throughout the entire funeral service. I think she attended out of spite. She criticized everybody who had something nice to say about my brother. I didn't go to the repass which was a luncheon being held at a very nice restaurant. It cut my visit short with family, and I wanted to mingle with my nieces and nephew. I hadn't seen them in almost twenty years because I had enough of their mother's foolishness. I felt sorry for his widow having to face the nutcase.
I wish you the best in this journey.
She will not find out if she is included in the Will. If she is she will be notified.
You can give her all the advice you can about NOT attending but unless someone does something to keep her away what she does is her own choosing. For example if she is depending on you for a ride you can refuse to give her one.
If you know the family of this man you could let them know of her desire to attend and they can have someone prevent her from entering. Will this maybe cause a scene.....? … probably but that is what she wants right....?
Trust me, the main reason is not to greet her friends but to see if she's in the Will. But reason and logic don't seem to work with this delusional woman. It's not your job to prevent her from going and making a fool of herself. She seems to have untreated mental health issues. I'd tell her very bluntly that her going makes her look crazy, even to you. See what she does with this piece of info.
But if I did and if she asked me for my thoughts I guess I would just have to say: "I think you are kind of a nut case".
You say this "friend" is "showing signs of level 4 dementia". Is that someone's opinion or is that diagnosed?
Has this friend been examined for mental illness? Because this sounds much more like a serious personality disorder than it does dementia. Just my humble opinion.
I think since you asked how to redirect your friend as regards this funeral, I would say that no matter her current diagnosis you CAN'T redirect her. A) those with level four dementia or mental illness aren't capable of being redirected and B) you aren't really qualified to care for either condition.
What I WOULD do, if I knew family of the current "other woman" is forewarn them that this friend of yours intends to attend and may become disruptive, and that they should have some strongarms ready to escort her from the building. The funeral establishment should alike to forewarned.
This certainly does sound like a celebration of life I would enjoy attending. But I doubt the mourners would feel the same.
🙄
Usually people like your friend are afraid of getting arrested.
All of the above. This is exactly why she wants to go. Those 'friends' she wants to be there to greet who haven't spoken to her since the divorce do not want to be greeted by her at their friend's funeral. The deceased ex-husband got custody of those friends in the divorce. Those people aren't interested in seeing her. The widow certainly isn't either. Also, it most certainly isn't her place to greet people coming to the wake/funeral.
If I were you, I would not bring her or help her get there. All her presence will do is upset the widow and family then you'll get blamed for bringing her or helping her get there.
My friend, there are some people who can't walk past a pot of sh*t without stopping to stir it. Your friend sounds like one of those people.
They did not have an amicable divorce and from what you say they didn't even any friendly towards each other. If she is mentioned in her late ex-husband's will and my guess is she is not, the court will notify her when his Will is filed.
OMG Burnt, now I have the serious giggles, but isn't that the truth.
I am stealing that saying. Consider it MINE!
At a family funeral years ago, at the very well-attended graveside service, there was a woman who was moving around the outskirts of the crowd, sobbing and wailing. When she stepped inside the tent and, still sobbing, started to run up to the grave where the coffin was ready to be lowered, a man in a suit intervened and escorted her out. We learned later that she regularly attended graveside services at that cemetery doing the same thing. She didn't know the deceased, was just a maladjusted individual who spent her days doing what she did.
A person wt stage 4 and acting like she does, should jot be alone. If she has family, they need to get involved and have her placed. No family, you need to call APS to have them intervene.
Just as a matter of interest, I was criticised for NOT going to my ex-husband's funeral.
You describe your friend as having "level 4 dementia", and say further that she has asked your opinion on her attendance at her ex-husband's funeral.
You have given your opinion; that's what friends do.
She will now either take your opinion, or do it as she deems fit.
Given she seems to be on her own and making her own life decisions, that's about it.
When friends ask for advice we give it, and the rest is up to them.
It must be difficult to have a friend with level 4 dementia? Does your dear friend have involved family members who currently function as her POA? If so, this would be worth discussing with THEM, rather than a Forum of strangers.
I think it's unlikely you KNOW this other family?
If you DO know them, or know someone who DOES know them, it may be a good time to begin practicing some well-meaning "gossip" by way of letting the family know that "Alvira is hoping to attend services; I hope the family will be prepared for that possibility."
I myself am not above a bit of squirrely behavior when I am involved with Squirrely stuff. Otherwise, you know, it can get a bit "nutty".
Funeral is over and our OP has moved on, unfortunately. I answer this OP when this was written and now answered it again before I realized old post! Afraid to read my first response as it likely in no way matches my new one!!!
Funeral's over.
I just wish I had BEEN there.
1. I proposed that we make alternative plans on the day of the funeral to celebrate the life she was living today and put the past in the past. She accepted and we had a relatively enjoyable time, with only a few episodes of public weeping accompanied by chin-up explanations to strangers that earned their sympathies. She agreed this had been a good decision, and that she would begin inviting old friends to get together and rebuild those relationships on new ground.
However, as some of you suspected, a personality disorder was very much in play here, and true to form:
2. She lied... about the date of the funeral and about not attending. A short time after our outing, she casually mentioned that calls to the attorney had produced few details about the Will. I asked if she had extended invitations to old friends yet and she replied that people at the funeral had seemed glad to see her but they were not very social so she was having second thoughts.
So as usual, it was all about being the center of attention, in as many ways as she could manipulate. A dead ex-husband was just a new vehicle.
If you consider that woman a "friend" then I'd hate to see what your enemies are like. Seriously I really hope you don't invest any more time with her. Other non-narcissists would dearly love to have a friendship like the one you are wasting on her. She's getting her jollies by having you orbit around her. She doesn't see that she's sick and you can't fix her -- so what are *you* getting out of it?
Just curious.
But again, thanks for the update -- they are always educational.
Again, thanks for getting back, and it sounds as though she's perfectly able to hold her peace when she attends such a service; she seems to have caused no particular drama.
Everyone has their fit in the world. I deal professionally with troubled companies and troubled executives, which defines her personal situation. So I have a lot of patience and understanding around my boundaries. I can provide a vision and an opportunity, but she chooses her own outcome... to the extent she still has the ability to choose.
How does one treat a person who doesn't think they have a problem in the first place?
"I can provide a vision and an opportunity, but she chooses her own outcome... to the extent she still has the ability to choose."
How can she choose anything when she doesn't think she has a problem? She stone-cold lied to you. Are you going to stay in the game with her even now? I'm only being nosy because my husband and I have been elders in our church for a long time and we often provide a lot of support and assistance to people with mental health issues. But there comes a point where we end the help because its been to no avail and church time and resources need to go to people who actually seem like they are at least willing to own their problems and shortcomings and are trying to better themselves and their circumstances. I'm just wondering where the cut off point is for someone like yourself who has done it professionally? At what point do you walk away? And if you never walk away, why?
Lady, you can take your seamless business-speak and go sample a different forum elsewhere for your consultation research.