A few weeks ago, my 90-year-old father-in-law was driven to my home in tears asking can he move in as he had nowhere to go and he was applying to live in residential care. He had been living with my sister-in-law, his daughter, prior to this but said he had 2 days to be out of the house. It turns out his daughter did not want him as she wasn't getting enough money from him but he was paying for his food, meals delivered to the door and the home heating. Under the circumstances, I felt I had no choice but to take the man in. Now as he is living here I am really struggling with this transition. I recently lost both of my own parents and cared for them until the end and find it very tough reliving this again in my own home as it is bringing up a lot of difficult memories of my parents' decline. As well as that there is a daily invasion of in laws and support people into my home which I'm finding really intrusive. My in-laws do and always did just walk in without warning into my home and now it feels constant. My father-in-law has 3 adult children and 3 adult grandchildren living nearby, but the only person helping with father-in-law's needs is my brother-in-law. My husband is rarely here as he is so busy with work, and I'm at home out of work left hiding half the time in my bedroom or escaping the house as much as possible. My marriage was in trouble prior to this and I was very unhappy where I was living as it is very rural and isolating and the only people living near me are my in-laws. My husband's family doesn't discuss things and from what I can see they all assume that this is the long-term solution and there is no further discussion needed on the long-term situation. Before this, I desperately wanted to move away from here but now I'm feeling completely overwhelmed with everything and feeling very trapped. I have my own health issues and this is settling me back greatly. I have 4 children of my own and my daughter is in and out of hospital with health problems also. Any advise on how I could cope with this situation would be appreciated.
Just a comment on that. You don't have to tolerate people walking in and out of your home. The easiest way to stop that is to lock the doors. If you have to, tape a sign to the door stating that all visitors must call before coming, and when they call, tell them this isn't a good time, and they'll have to call some other day.
There is absolutely no excuse for people being so rude, inconsiderate and irresponsible, but since you've allowed this in the past, you'll have to be the one to stop it.
Or establish visiting days and times. Another alternative is, when they call, tell them that you need help with a, b, or c....all big projects that require them to get physical, or do something besides meddle.
I did that when some church people were making nuisances of themselves. I told the husband that I needed help moving mattresses around, and found some other tasks for him. He didn't appreciate that, and his visits became less frequent.
It sounds like you feel setting some boundaries at this point would be futile, and ultimately, that would take care of only so much that's weighing on you.
In your place, I would feel it necessary to organize my thoughts and present them in a manner that is objective and logical, not personal or needy-sounding, and present it as "how do we move forward because it's impossible under the present arrangement, as you can see."
Choose words and phrases thoughtfully. No inflammatory words. No accusations.
In this, include options you see as viable. Including placing your FIL. Make it clear that, as family, everyone needs to offer solutions, and be a part of them.
In this, include "if this, than that" as discussion points. (If he stays here, this needs to happen; if no one helps, I can't do this b/c XXXXXXX.) From the sounds of it, though, no one will want to be invested in his care.
This is too much for one person to "cope with," as you say, and maintain any sense of well-being.
Lay it on the line (with an organized, objective agenda, as suggested) or draw a line...that he needs to be placed. Period.
This will get messy.
But if you don't take action, your burden will worsen, especially with a 90 yo.
It's harder for people to fight logic. If you present the case to be made (and a very good case you have) as emotional, that's what they'll see and hear--when they need to realize the new situation has compounded an existing situation.
My heart goes out to you. (And your FIL.)
I appreciate what you are saying and this needs a very objective plan so as I can work something out. My wellbeing is being hugely impacted by things and I find myself turning to alcohol more these day and yet I struggle so much with seeming as the bad person in all this as I feel very sorry for the way my father in law was treated by his own daughter. I would never have treated my parents like this and would do anything to have them back. All the inlaws now act like this is fine and the father in law is settling in to my place and they just carry on like nothing happened.
If they are, you need a log term plan. You can't solve this overnight. Getting and holding a job, saving your money and preparing for a post-marriage life.
What are FIL's care needs?
What are his resources?
It sounds like you are used to not being listened to, either by your husband or his family. I think you need some help in figuring out how to change that.
You are right in saying I don't get listened to by my husband or his family and yes I'm struggling with the other things too of getting a job and my own money to gain independence as well as to get out of the house, my own health, my daughters health, and my marriage problems so a long term plan is definitely needed here. The problem is I really don't want to be the bad person here in all of this as I do feel very sorry for him after the way he was treated by his daughter.
" I have no idea what happened with that idea but I will certainly be getting my husband to find out and to find out what the long term plan is."
YOU are the long term plan. The in-laws don't talk much, right? So don't expect any discussions about the long term plan to happen anytime soon. As far as they are concerned, the problem has been solved.
Kick those plans to move out in high gear. Good luck in interviews!
You need to establish boundaries with ALL of these people or continue getting walked on by them. Your FIL 'paying for oil and food' is not paying his way for 1/3 of the living expenses in anyone's home! If he's one of 3 people living in a home, he should be paying 1/3 of the bills; including the mortgage, the food, the heat/ac, the water, EVERYTHING. So to say that what is IS paying for is 'enough' is delusional. Where can a person live for say $200 a month, if that? Nowhere, that's where!
You've allowed your in laws to walk into your home w/o knocking, at their whim, so there were never any boundaries set down with them to begin with! My parents did that to me ONCE. I immediately told them to please NEVER do it again w/o calling first to see if I was in the mood for company, and that put an end to 'unannounced' company or my folks walking into my home willy nilly!
Dropping FIL off at your house is wrong, and you saying you felt 'you had no other choice' is wrong, too. To keep the man for a short time while making other arrangements for him is one thing; to keep him for GOOD b/c you feel you 'have no other choice' is putting YOURSELF out for HIS sake and for others' sakes. You said your marriage was on the rocks before he moved in b/c you're not standing up for what YOU want in life, and now this? You 'desperately wanted to move away from here but now I'm feeling completely overwhelmed & trapped..." NOW is your time to move out b/c things aren't going to get better with all of this, only worse! You now have an old man to take care of that you don't even want living in your home, along with your own health issues, a daughter with her serious health issues, yet you are asking 'how to cope with this situation"? Either get FIL out of your home immediately & placed into an Assisted Living care residence or move out yourself, and on with your own life! It sounds like that's what you've wanted to do for a long time now, so here's your chance. If your own husband isn't conferring with you before he allows his father to move in, that speaks volumes of his lack of respect for this marriage, imo.
Wishing you the best of luck standing up for YOUR own rights now!
If your marriage was already in trouble, I don't see this working out, quite frankly. How long have you been married?
I bet it's hard living in an isolated rural area (I would absolutely hate it!). I think in-home care is probably hard to find, so any vague promises to get this kind of help aren't going to work out.
"he was applying to live in residential care."
So did he? Or did he mean he was going to, so that you wouldn't think his move-in would be permanent? Was one of his children helping him with applications?
Can you get some (at least emotional) support from your children? Since your FIL is 90, I'm assuming your children are all adults, unless you are a good deal younger than your H. Are any of your children living in your home?
One more question -- what does your H say about all of this? You have told him your great unhappiness, yes?
I'm not sure how serious my father in law was about applying for residential care. He apparently asked one of his kids to download application forms but I don't know what happened to them. I don't know if he was just saying it so that it wouldn't seem permanent or if he meant it but yesterday he was asking me about putting up safety rails in the bathroom for him so I'm thinking he has decided he will be here long term.
My husband has known about my great unhappiness for a very long time but nothing changes. This has very much affected my mental health. He sympathizes with how I feel in this abrupt change to our lives but he has said nothing to his siblings about it and he is unavailable for me really at present due to deadlines he has to reach. He knows the situation with the father in law arriving so quickly with no prior planning is appalling and unfair but he is not here everyday so its not impacting on him the way it is on me. Lets hope at least one of my interviews are successful so as I can regain some independence and control on my life.
Take this all one step at a time:
1. a. Do not drink any more alcohol, period. Your 13 year old might have another health emergency, and if you aren’t 100% sober I fear you may be unable to identify when she needs help: catastrophe could result
1. b. Your car is, or was, not working. You are in a rural location so having a working car is essential. Can emergency services get to your house quickly? If not, consider what if you need to rush your daughter to the hospital? If your car doesn’t work, you can’t. If you are drunk, you can’t.
Don’t drink, and get car fixed. Charge FIL enough rent, for now, to get car fixed
2. Your children must be your #1 priority. You are priority #2: it’s not selfish for you to henceforth place yourself as second in priority rather than dead last, behind everyone else. If you aren’t in full strong physical and mental health, everyone will ultimately suffer
3. a. Husband obviously is putting himself as #1 priority, and you are wrongly letting him. Your replies to other posters keep giving him excuses for why he isn’t helping you with this muddled situation, including that he is working on deadlines, too busy to help you fix non-working vehicle, FIL being allowed to rule your roost when he simply showed up and moved in and is now instructing you to put safety bars in your bathroom, instructing you to leave front door unlocked so everyone can simply waltz in, etc…
3. b. Why are you allowing your husband to do absolutely nothing to help you, when you say you keep telling him about your unhappiness and how this situation can’t continue? Then you let it continue, and you (wrongly) think you have no say in the matter. This is your home with your children. Don’t fool yourself into thinking your kids are unaware of the tensions. You must fix all this so you don’t screw up your children’s lives
3. c. If your marriage is unfixable, and it sounds to me like it might be, since I didn’t read anywhere that you cherish your husband and marriage and are fighting to save the marriage: consult a lawyer
4. a. When you find out that you do indeed have options, you might feel better and gain the strength to get FIL out of your house, and to work on your marriage, or to part ways with husband
4. b. Why not put FIL back into his own house, and use his money to pay for some in-home assistance? Or sell the house & use money for retirement home
5. a. You keep talking about other people not doing what you want, example, you vaguely heard that someone was applying for your FIL to live in some “residential care” but you didn’t pin anyone down about if applications have actually been sent out. Starting today, stand firm, get answers, tell all of your selfish in-laws there are new rules, and new deadlines. What are they going to do? Either comply, or what? Who cares? Lay down the law.
5 b. If no-one has successfully applied for FIL to move to a new residential care place, YOU hire an elder-specialist of some sort with your father-in-law’s funds since he will be the main beneficiary of the advice.
5. c. The specialist can determine if FIL should be in assisted living, memory care, a small group home, can live alone with a few daily hours of help in his own home, or whatever
5. d. The care specialist can help you apply for FIL’s placement in the right situation
6. Here is an easy fix: lay down the law about people wandering in and out of your house at will.
- As two other posters so wisely wrote, lock your doors and make clear no one is to come over without first being invited. You have a daughter in fragile health, and you don’t need all these people tramping through.
- Yes, the food-delivery person can leave the food at the locked front door in a cold-or-hot cooler
- if FIL wants all this company & keeps opening the door to all in-laws, he either needs to be back in his own house, or in a retirement home. Move him out.
DO NOT let them install the handicap accessible accessories. If your husband isn’t communicating with you at home, even though it might (alright it more than likely will) cause a confrontation show up at his work to discuss the demands. If DH, doesn’t want to discuss, go to an attorney and find out your options, because if DH won’t listen, you need to kick him and ALL HIS RELATIVES to the curb, sell the place and move on. You do have a right to a life.
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