My 85 yr old Mom is narcissistic and rude. I am her only living child, 63 yrs old. I take care of her, her house, her yard her laundry, her dogs, her dishes her meals, her bills, her mail. I say "bye Mom, Love you," and she always answers she doubts that! I then go home at night exhausted and depressed to my husband, our laundry, our dogs, our dishes, our meals, our bills, and our mail. I take her to lunch everyday just to relive her telling me all my flaws, then when I say it's OK, I know I'm not perfect.... she says I'm a boring "Pollyanna" and I'm stupid.
I think she appreciates ALL I do for her and I really try to do it with a Happy Heart. Some days I can't seem to HEAR happy words instead of mean....how do ya'll handle it??
Am I just getting burned out after 4 yrs?
I hope not. She very healthy, healthier than I am??
Imagine your mother is just any other person you want to help. So you go see them daily... and despite you doing your best, you know you will be slapped, kicked, punched, choked, degraded, called filthy names. You end up nearly beaten to death, crumpled on the floor, too scared and too tired to fight back. You can barely breathe. You somehow make it home, and you're too torn down and in pain to even talk to your husband or play with your dogs. And then you get up and come back the next day. Maybe they'll change. I mean, deep down you know this person loves you. They just don't know how to show it.
Sounds horrific and insane, right?
But guess what? You are in this exact same boat. The beatings just happen with words and not fists (yet). You're not her daughter. You're the rug to wipe her feet on, the verbal punching bag.
STOP TRYING TO MAKE HER HAPPY. SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE HAPPY. People like this are never happy, because they thrive on hatefulness and drama. The only thing that brings her joy is crapping on you. And that is not why God put you on this earth.
You are lying to yourself about how you take these verbal beatings "with a happy heart". For real? She harms you daily. You can fake a happy heart all you want, but it won't help you. Or her. She is NOT grateful for all you do for her, because it doesn't meet her impossible standards. You are not good enough for her. But really, no one is!
You say you 'promised your father'. You gave it four years, so you can't say you didn't make a good effort. If you're hoping for a deathbed "I always loved you" or an apology, or even a thank you... you will not get it. Your father had to have known what kind of person she was. I'm sure your father didn't expect you to be her dumping ground for abuse. If he did, I am terribly sorry.
You say walking away would be cruel. How? She is a cruel person. You're experiencing her cruelty daily. THAT is the cruelty of it. You don't have to 'divorce her'. You can, however, step back. Not away, just back. Stop with the daily lunches. Twice a week would be enough.
If no one else has told you this, I will: You are worthy. You're a beautiful person. You have a good heart. You are more than your flaws. Your mother is wrong about you! It's awful that a child can't ever get their mother's love, and you don't deserve this. You don't have to be that scared and hurt little girl anymore.
Stop.
Stop living her life.
Retake your own.
In a senior staff meeting one day, our very disrespectful boss was speaking to me in a manner that was unnecessary, uncalled for. I asked, "Why are you talking to me like that?" If you think of characters in movies who begin to stammer, that's what my boss did. Shut her right down.
To a friend who was spewing venom at me, I replied, "Why are you talking to me like that? I don't talk that way to you." (Again, think of stammering movie characters.)
On the flip side, I'd been extremely frustrated with my mother, who never had a reflective moment in her life. I'd grown snappy with her. One day, she asked, "Why are you always so angry with me?" I said, "That's a fair question," and I told her why. It opened a discussion but also put me on cue.
Find a way to put it back on her but say it in a gentle tone with words she can't accuse you of being too sensitive. "Why do cut me down when I'm just trying to help you? Is that what you really think of me, Mom?"
And yes, after four years with all you do for her, you are getting burned out. You'd be burned out even if she were always sweet-natured and outwardly appreciative. That's what happens with caregivers.
It's okay to put her on cue. It's okay to put anyone on cue if they are behaving badly. (Just check yourself first----are we antagonistic? is the feedback we receive a response to how we're behaving? etc.)
In the end (minus a dx such as dementia), you need to make her realize that mean spiritedness has consequences. "If you can't show respect and don't think I'm doing a good job, then you need to find an aide, Mom."
I took care of a man whose wife was a chronic complainer and yeller. When I was having a moment where I just couldn't stand it any more, I'd softly say, "Stop." And she would.
You never know what will work with a person...but you know your mother, what makes her tick. I think you can find a way to use what you know to put her in check, even if it only works for a day or two, and you find you have to do it every few days.
Then there's the tough love. Lay it on the line that she needs to show respect, and if she can't, you will leave for the day. And when she starts in on you, remind her what you said would happen if she couldn't be nice, and leave.
I think, though, ultimately, you can't continue the pace and do need to get some extra hands in there.
Hugs.
I think that kind of crap is used to manipulate and guilt, that is unacceptable and will most likely stop when you agree with her.
https://heliopolis.la/bless-your-heart-the-sliding-scale-of-passive-aggressive/
Seriously, if she ALWAYS responds that way, I'd be tempted to vary my goodbyes.
"Bye Mom, I'll bring the dog food next time."
"Bye Mom, I need to go now or I'll be late."
"Bye Mom. I wish you could be kinder, but I'll miss you when you're gone."
"Bye Mom. Have a look at those independent living brochures that I left on the table. They allow two small dogs. I think one of us might enjoy living there."
"Bye Mom. Doordash will bring lunch at noon tomorrow. I have an appointment again."
"Bye Mom. Look! What's that behind you!"
"Bye Mom. How much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck would chuck wood?"
If you died, would this lady survive? Probably. So set it up like you have.
If you are paying for the food but not her pge, cal water and so forth, she knows how to pay bills. Set up an instacart she is in charge of with her money. If it’s gonna be yours, then you control it and it’s for nutritional access only. Frozen dinners and alpo, not gourmet Whole Foods.
oh, and dish and laundry detergent.
Dont do her dishes, mow her lawn, do her laundry or pick up dog poo. Don’t take her to lunch. Just the weekly food box of staples.
It's not a matter of walking away from her.
It's a matter of
1)protecting yourself - your mental and physical health, your enjoyment of your family,
2) assisting getting your mother the help she needs. This does not require much contact with her,
My mother put me down. She was mentally ill. I still was her POA -at a distance and got her help she needed. I saw her a few times a year. All of that was hard enough with her BPD and vascular dementia . I think my mother, somewhere down there, appreciated what I did for her, but that did not give her a pass of emotionally and verbally abuse me. I had to protect myself from that.
Paulo Coelho, “When you say 'Yes' to others, make sure you are not saying 'No' to yourself.'
How do you deal with her verbal abuse - spend less time with her, do less for her, leave or hang up the phone when she gets abusive.
IMO it wouldn't be normal or healthy to be happy in your situation. The only one who you can change is you. Step out of the FOG (Fear, obligation and guilt) and start treating yourself and your family right.
My mother is the same way. Always put me down. Always made me her scapegoat. Always worked as hard as she could to ruin whatever happiness I ever got for myself.
Then one day I decided enough was enough and walked away. I didn't see or speak to my mother for almost six years.
We started talking again and I've been her caregiver for some time. She had to make some honest amends to me for that to happen and she did.
The old abusive behaviors come out though. Her negativity and desire to drag everyone down to her misery still around.
She's elderly and needy now. She knows that I will not tolerate one moment of stubbornness or gaslighting, or verbal abuse, or sabotaging. There will be no staged falls or 'performances' to get attention. I put a stop to the two and three doctor's appointments a week I was bringing her to that were really just for entertainment and attention-seeking.
She knows that I will walk away again permanently if she brings back any of the old behaviors. Also, that she will be placed if dementia shows up.
People have to look after their own physical and mental health.
Because I don't know anyone or anything that says just keep accepting the abuse. Life long according to your words.
Getting her placed is help. She needs professional care and not you. That isn't cruel.
When her vile, toxic treatment causes you to have a fatal stroke will you expect one of your children to pick up where you left off? What will happen to her then?
Right now you could be her advocate and make sure she is getting the best care possible, if you're dead, the state will do it and there is a big difference between someone that cares and someone getting paid.
I think it is sad that you would deprive your children and grandchildren of you because you think you are supposed to be this thing you call mom scratching post, doormat and punching bag. Your offspring deserve better then a headstone to visit.
Oh, any deathbed promise is extortion of an emotional situation and should not be considered a real promise. I find that selfish, self-centered and a justification for not making arraignments for a situation you had the responsibility for. It's cruel.
Tap your foot and stare at your watch
''I'm waiting,,,"
Promising your Dad u will care for her does not mean u disable her. What is so hard about putting a load of laundry in. Washing a few dishes. She can hire a cleaning lady. Out to lunch everyday! How can u afford it? You need to start backing off. And...Mom is ABUSIVE. You need to give her as good as she gives. "Well, this boring and stupid person does not have to take you to lunch everyday" You have to get mad at some point. Mom needs you more than you need her. And, I really doubt she appreciates what u do for her because she expects it.
I am all for being there for a parent but we don't give up our lives for them. We don't give in to every demand. Had this discussion with DH yesterday and he said he would never quit a job to care for a parent.
You need boundries. Most companies have apps you can pay your bills on. Look up the "gray rock method". You may be able to use it in dealing with Mom to a point. Don't engage her, don't be happy hearted. So, lets say, tomorrow you call Mom and say "won't make it today. Not feeling well". If she says what about me what about the dogs. Say you think she is very capable of feeding her dogs and getting something to eat. Tell her to order out if she needs to. One day of not eating will not kill her... I hope.😊 When u go to her house keep conversation to a minimum. Only talk when needed. When she gets started on you, drop what you are doing, say good bye and walk out. You really don't have to say goodbye. If she calls you when u get home, answer when she gets started let her go. Then firmly and quietly tell her. "I am not putting up with your abuse any longer. I am taking my life back. There are going to be changes" Never raise your voice. I was told one time when someone starts screaming at you quietly answer. Since the person can't hear you they tend lower their voice.
Its not disrespect to stand your ground. People treat you the way you allow them to treat you. Your Mom does not deserve you. I know, it is going to be hard to say that first NO. But it will get easier. You are a Senior too. You and DH need to start enjoying your lives. Plan things. You can always set Mom up meal wise the day before. She must be able to get herself a bowl of cereal. You can make up some Tuna for lunch. I am sure she can spread it herself on 2 pieces of bread. Dinner, maybe you want to try making some meals and freezing them ahead. I am sure she can use a microwave. Her dogs, if she can no longer care for them, maybe she needs to rehome them. (Tell her this) Must be a kid in the neighborhood that would love to make some money walking the dogs. As I said, you are disabling your Mom and you are going to pay for it down the line. Learn to just walk away. You can not answer her calls either. Let them go to VM. Call when u feel u can deal with her. You know...your husband should be number one.
If Mom should ever need to be cared for physically, don't let it be you. Placing her in an AL or LTC is still caring for her. You are placing her where she will get the care she needs. Sounds to me Mom needs a Home Health Aide. They are more into cleaning and cooking than than the actual physical caring. If Mom can afford one a day or two a week even, that gives you "me" time. I bet if you back off you will find Mom will have to do for herself.
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