My MIL lives with us in an in-law apartment. She is becoming more and more forgetful. She doesn’t always take her meds (they are all set up for her to take in a daily/weekly tray), she’s lost weight because she forgets to eat or doesn’t have an appetite. She no longer cooks or shops for food. She has a daughter who brings food in for her on a weekly basis and puts them in separate containers to be heated later. Most of the food gets thrown out. She has another daughter who takes care of her hygiene on a weekly basis. She frequently says she is lonely. It has gotten progressively worse over the past year. My husband or myself will see her daily just to ensure she takes her medication and make sure she eats or drinks something.
My husband and I both believe this is the time to transition her to an assisted living home. Mind you, she has lived with us for 19 years now. We are both retired and wish to travel more. We’ve asked where she’d like to go after living here and she has expressed a place in town.
We briefly discussed this with one of her daughters who expressed that mom is fine when you are away. When asked if she wanted her mother to live with her she said she’d be alone all day. IDK. The siblings all believe they are doing their fair share. They might call her or text her daily but MIL is fairly smart and can talk a good game, yes I’m up, yes I’ve taken my meds. But when we see her no such thing has happened. They see her usually once a week. They believe she is well. They think everything is fine.
My husband and I are both burnt out. It’s an agonizing situation and decision. It’s going to cause a family rift on top of the guilt we feel.
That she “ needs more help than family can provide” . Mom needs assisted living .
My Mom did the same thing , threw out meals I brought and was living on cookies .
If the other family members are not on board with placing Mom , they can take Mom to live with them , otherwise Mom goes to assisted living . Time for your husband to tell his sisters that this is no longer working and that Mom has to move out .
There should be no guilt . You did not make your MIL old . As for the family riff, your in laws are the problem . You and your husband are recognizing that his Mom needs more help . I had the same push back from siblings about placement while I was the only one running to Mom’s everyday . Sorry to say it’s very common .
Caregiving is on the caregivers terms . Since you are burnt out , then the next step is assisted living . No one can be forced to remain a caregiver .
Caregivers decide how much they are willing or able to do .
Good Luck
We just couldn't orbit around her. My husband and I were both still working with kids in school. She went into AL. Much better to go into a good facility that has socialization and activities, than to be alone all day long.
You don't wait for your MIL or her daughters to buy into the plan. I sure hope after 19 years that your husband is her actual PoA. Otherwise there can be a power struggle over where MIL goes. But as long as she leaves your house, and you stop orbiting around her like her daughters do, that's a win.
Also, do NOT take on paying for your MIL's facility. It is unsustainable and robs you of your own future care options.
That's what I said, and I meant it. When mom asked what I meant, I told her that her calling me at work three days running for "emergencies" that were anything but was going to lose me my job. She pushed back, hard.
I explained to her that my brother (the golden child) was likely to have a heart attack rushing to these "emergencies". That got her attention and she agreed to look at Assisted and Independent living facilities.
You need to be honest, direct and not beat around the bush. If sibs think she's fine, then leave for 2 weeks and let them find out.
“The golden one” he does nothing to help and my mother makes every excuse in the book for him. 🙄
Go to the place in town that she has expressed an interest in, and begin making the arrangements. You're doing it FOR HER.
If the sibs resist what you're going to tell them about the true state of MIL, you and husband need to plan a long trip during which you are away for a length of time that will help them understand. Like off in an RV for a month. Or hiking or a second honeymoon. Anything that would prevent you from taking their calls and texts except once a day when YOU call in at your choice of time.
As a society, we have, in recent years, been inundated with information about how to live joyfully and cooperatively in a multigenerational household. Tiny houses, MIL apartments, granny crannies in the attic, who knows what AARP and their misinformed writers will advocate next! I'm not buying it and neither should MOST families who want to be there for gramps because "we love him so much!" That love doesn't live up to its loveyness when gramps complains, leaks from his Depends, is an alcoholic, won't eat what you cook, won't clean up after himself, calls family members 1000+ times a day, is afraid of the shower, or wanders across a six-lane highway. AARP doesn't tell us how to get away from gramps and grans and old Auntie Harriet when we are burned out. We're stuck with figuring it all out by ourselves with Auntie screaming in the background because she can't get out of her recliner.
I hope your family conference goes well, but I have doubts. Meanwhile spread the word to anyone you know who is thinking of multigenerational mayhem that it's not a good idea. You might be able to save them what you're going through.
Personally, I seriously hope to accomplish my Final Exit before I become a care burden. If that doesn't happen, I will go into facility care, as much as I would prefer otherwise. I do not intend to live with family. I hope OP's MIL --and the sibs--will be reasonable about a change because it needs to happen.
All of the siblings like this arrangement because they are doing the absolute minimum and you and DH are doing all of the heavy lifting.
Start touring homes and then give everyone a date in writing when this is all going to change.
The way you tell her is honestly. You have lived together now for two decades to if honesty is missing from the relationship it is time it enters.
You tell her "Mom, we are sorry but we now want our own home for ourselves, our own lives, our own recreation and privacy. This means that you will need to go to in-facility care where you will have more than a few on more than one shift watching over you, and where you will have companions nearer to your own age. We will be happy to visit once we help you to get settled in. We have discussed this and it is our decision now for our lives."
I told aunt that she needed more can than I could provide. Of course, the screaming and crying and denial. As long as I was there propping her and giving false independence, everything was fine. I was wearing myself out.
I told my cousins that aunt needed more help than I could provide. It was too much on the family. They yeah, yeah, yeah, I agree with you, but can you come down and help and stay for a week?
I put my foot down and said, no. I can no longer help. It's too much. Aunt needs professional care. The moment I stopped is when cousin hired a caregiver after getting rid of the one I had.
I am no longer involved, and rather like it that way. As long as you're the solution, you will always be the solution.
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