Hi Everyone,
I am new here. This is my first post.
I am assisting my mother after a stroke. She has mobility challenges and post stroke dementia. I and my sister live with her but I am finding more and more urge for some Respite now. We have been assisting her since mid November. I have tried to bring up my urge to help her find someone she enjoys being with so I can have some breaks during the week..... I am with her alone Monday through Friday when my sister works and I also help her on weekends as my sister is often busy with household matters when she is home. My sister assists her when she can too, but I feel I need at least one weekday away from being with my mother now.
She was deeply resistant to admitting she needed help before her stroke. Now her reactions are even worse as she gets so upset at needing people's help with her mobility at this time. She needs supervision for so many of her current walking activities and daily tasks right now .... She does understand her physical challenges meaning she knows she can fall and get hurt but yet can't admit that she needs constant assistance at this time.
She refuses the possibility of anyone else being with her besides my sister and I. I am even willing to be present in the house while someone else helps her with certain things so I can at least try and attend to some additional personal matters in another area of the house ( like doing some online course studying ) and just be here to assist her for more private concerns if she doesn't want to have someone help her in the bathroom and such... But if she agreed to a helper for us I could try and have some study time in my bedroom while someone else helps her with walking or with food preparation and such.
Anyone Please have any suggestions?
THANKS SO VERY MUCH.
A counselor once told me that she might ignore her own needs indefinitely, but that, as a mother, she would smash down a mountain if it meant helping or bettering the life of one of her children.
This was in the context of a session I had with her when I was trying to persuade my mom to move closer to me, so that I wouldn't have to give up my community, my career, and my support network when she started to need more care. My counselor told me to tell my mom what I stood to lose if she didn't make the move. It felt selfish to make it about me, but I was surprised to discover how swiftly it worked. Mom made the decision and put her house on the market the next day!
So every step of the way in getting my mom to accept more support, I've learned to make it about me. I tell her the walker, the wheelchair, the hospital bed, the community nurse visits, the occupational therapist visits, the home support visits....they're all for me, because I'm overwhelmed with the tasks, or because I can't physically support her, or because I'm in pain (I have a disability), or because I need a routine, or because I need some spare time to do x, y, and z.....whatever the reason, I make it about me.
Whenever she grumbles about home support now, I just say, "They're here to help ME, Mom." Most times - not every time, but most - she stops grumbling and goes along!
Worth a shot....
Mmm. You might have to abandon part of this goal: the "enjoys being with" part.
The thing is. You need regular breaks. But you're expecting your mother not only to agree to letting outsiders in, but also to be happy about it. And she just isn't.
Too bad! This is about you needing time off; and can you name any other role in any walk of life where a person is expected to be on call 24/7/365 without a break? So rather than the "by your leave" approach, go for the "like it or lump it" approach and stop waiting for your mother's permission.
I'm not suggesting you shouldn't try your best to find a good personality match, a capable, experienced person who will look after your mother nicely and be pleasant company. Just that your mother is never going to agree to your looking, so you're going to have to make it happen whether she likes it or not and let her make the best of it.
After agreeing to move in with my sister when she could no longer be on her own our mother wanted to change her mind. She didn't really need that much help and she didn't want to be a burden to her daughter ... One of my other sister took her aside and said, "Since Sis retired they are are having trouble making their mortgage payments. It would help them a lot if you move in and pay rent." (This was not true, by the way. So what?)
Ah. Mom didn't want to do it for herself, but if it would help out one of her children, well that was another story!
Another objection you may hear is "I don't need a babysitter. Nothing is stopping you from staying in your room or going out for a day. I can take care of myself." I hear that from my husband. I'd admit that he was probably right. He would probably be OK on his own. But I would worry the entire time and it would not be at all relaxing for me. Please accept this aide for the afternoon, for my peace of mind."
Good luck! Come back and let us know how it's going.
Give us a bit more information in order that we can help you sort this out.
How old is your mom?
You and your sister?
Is mom getting therapy to help with her recovery?
Is she improving?
Does your mom have funds for private care?
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