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My story. Three and a half years ago I too on the role of caregiving for my girlfriend. She's ambulatory. Bedridden.
I am now 54, burned out. I am physically and mentally done.It's ruined our relationship, financially ruined me. I can't work but a few hours a day because of her insurance refuses to give more then 5 hours. Says it's not medically necessary. She cannot walk at all. How is it not?
Anyway, there is no support. Family? Forget it. Not even her son.
But I cannot do this anymore. It's not cause I don't love or care. I have issues too and if I keep going I will be in a hospital.
To make things worse she just will not acknowledge it. We fight, She says it's just in my mind. It's not. I have a leg problem. My knee,ankle, I have two hernias. My back.
My daughter is worried about me and wants me to come be live her.
I just feel guilty and the weight of the world because I'm in this conundrum.
If I stay my health gets worse. If I leave she goes into a home

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What is so bad about her going to a “home” when they can provide better care than you do? You’d be doing her a favor, and you’d reclaim your life. You don’t need our permission to do the right thing! Good luck in finding placement for her.
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Reply to Fawnby
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Going into a facility is not a punishment. It is providing her the care that she needs.
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Reply to olddude
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Have you contacted the county to see if there are any programs to help her find work she can do from home? Why do you need to be home with her most of the time? Is she not able to function in a wheelchair? I'm only asking to get more context for the situation.

You didn't cause her illness and you can't fix it. Now your own health is at risk. You need to take care of yourself. Please don't feel guilty. You've done yeoman's work for her. She's an adult and will hopefully rise to the occasion after you've gone. If she doesn't, then she was never the person for you anyway. I wish you peace in your heart as you move on with your life.
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Reply to Geaton777
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Tell your girlfriend maybe it's in HER mind that she can't walk and she's choosing to stay bedridden. For her to minimize your pain and suffering is beyond horrible. She needs a taste of her own vitriol. And you need to quit this caregiving job you've taken on for a very unappreciative woman before YOU wind up in a nursing home!

Do what you have to do to save yourself, my friend. You're not leaving her on the street, after all. You matter too.
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Reply to lealonnie1
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You can care deeply for someone and still make a decision to look out for the best interests of you both. Girlfriend, despite your best efforts, isn’t getting the care she needs and you’re risking your health daily. Her lack of compassion for you tells me she’s manipulating you to force you to stay, again, unhealthy for you both. Don’t fight with her, don’t try to convince her of anything, it will not help anything. Do what’s best and move out, minus guilt or apology. You’ve done your best, and no one could rightfully ask for more. I wish you healing and peace
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Reply to Daughterof1930
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When you collapse she will go to a nursing home anyway .
Drop the guilt . You did not make your friend disabled.
You need to give up caregiving now ( before you are disabled ) and build back your own life . You need to earn money to support yourself .
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Reply to waytomisery
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I’m very sorry that your girlfriend is disabled. But that does not excuse her selfishness. She is not entitled to destroy your life. Let her go to the nursing home, and receive full-time care. You need to rest, recuperate, get back to paid employment, and get back to having a life that is sustainable. If she cares about you, she will understand that. I wish you well and hope you will continue to let us know how you’re doing.
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Reply to MG8522
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Yes. If you leave she goes into a home.
Firstly, you tell us nothing about this illness, the diagnosis or prognosis.
But you do tell us you cannot go on.
You are a human being with limitations, not a Saint. You have ruined your health and finances. You need now to move and to get back on your feel financially and your girlfriend needs to move into the care she requires, which is clearly several shifts of people with several people working on each shift.
You are already not a partner, but are a caregiver. Unpaid one at that. Guilt is entirely inappropriate; you didn't cause nor can you cure whatever illness is afoot here.

Speak now with GF, giving a date at which you will move in with your daughter to retrieve your health and to get a job to sustain you. Reassure her that you will visit her while she is in care.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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https://www.agingcare.com/questions/where-to-turn-for-help-when-insurance-denies-everything-473872.htm

You asked the above question back in 2022. You were given some suggestions then. Were you able to follow thru?

You are really between a rock and a hard place. How long were you with your GF before her illness? Do you still have feelings for her? Did she ever apply for Social Security Disability?

You need to work the amount you receive of SS will be determined on how much you earned. She needs help that you can no longer give. Her debts are hers not yours. I think you have done enough. You need to tell her you have to walk away. This is not what you signed up for.

Call APS and tell them you need to leave the situation. That your GF needs help 24/7 and needs to be placed since homecare is not enough. Your health and livelihood are being effected. Let the State take over her care. Give them the Son's phone number. Tell APS that your are living by a certain date.

Go live with your daughter till you can get back on your feet. Then get a place of your own. Please, do not feel guilty. You could not have sustained this for much longer. You know your GF needs more care than you can give her more than her insurance is willing to give. You need to work. She needs 24/7 care that no one can provide but professionals. You have no legal ties to your GF. Make that call and stand firm. Things will go faster if APS gets involved. They will get her into a NH faster. Get her Medicaid applied for faster. Unless you have POA, you can't do any of this anyway. And if you have POA you can revoke it. It will be automatically revoked when a guardian is set up for GF anyway.
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Reply to JoAnn29
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You do not go into a lot of detail as to her medical condition as to why she is bedridden.
BUT...if she is cognizant and you have told her that you can not manage her care and she says it is in your mind then she is not LISTENING to what you are saying and that, to me, is showing some level of disrespect to you and what you are doing for her.
If you continue to do this you will be the one needing a caregiver by the time you are 60.
If you hurt HER while trying to care for her how will you feel about that, what would happen then? (Have to wonder would you actually be responsible and could you be "charged' with abuse or neglect somehow?)
What if you hurt yourself caring for her who will care for both of you?

I think it is time that you talk to her caseworker (I am assuming she has one) and say that you can not continue and it is time to either
1. Find another caregiver and you can go to work at a "real" job
2. They place her in a facility that can meet her care needs.

Placing her in a facility you can then actually visit and be a caring person NOT a caregiver.
You can begin to heal yourself.

I have said for years that making the decision to place someone in a facility is one of the most difficult decisions you can make.
It is a decision that many will see as an "easy way out" but the decision is made because you realize that the care of the person is more than you can do at home
And the irony is that you, ONE person, is getting paid for 5 hours..and she will go into a facility where she will have a staff of people and will get care 24/7/365.

I guess the bottom line is ..if you love her you will step back and she is placed in a facility.
Now if she can select the facility all the better it will give her a sense of control that she deserves.
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Reply to Grandma1954
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XxJCBxX Apr 13, 2025
The reason she's bedridden is complicated. She was already startimg to have isdues before this with walkimg. But She got very sick in September, 2021. She also got an abcess on her leg because of diabetes. She had several surgeries and almost died. She spent 4 months in the hospital. They cut nerves. She has spinal stenosis and sever neuropathy.

It's many things.

You're right. She does not listen to me and it's disrespectful. And unfair. I've done nothing but sacrifice for her, yet when it comes to my issues it gets disregarded.

I've begged, dropped hints, and told her at some point I'm goimg to end up in a bad way.

It's hard, it hurts that I must stop doing this cause I know she will be mad and angry with me. But I have to focus on me.
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