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my mom is on hospice for liver/kidney disease. She’s been home the whole time while declining pretty rapidly. I work full time, am a single mom to a 16 year old. My sister is an RT at the children’s hospital and works 12 hour shifts. Everyone moved in here when mom started getting bad about 2 years ago. Now she can’t walk, needs assistance in and out of wheelchair, and all needs like meals, meds, cleaning etc. I expressed a year ago how difficult and maybe we should look for a place and was treated like I’m a monster.
well… here I am now. Exhausted. Depressed, worried I might lose my job bc I can’t escape the endless needs to even do my job. Tonight in order to stop mom from falling I threw my back out. Oh and I have the flu. She’s yelling for me every hour to bring her something, or bathroom trip, or just because as my sister has to work in the morning. I’m done. I’m hurting sick and I can’t do this anymore. My son is going out of control bc I can’t even go for a walk with him without 4 texts and 2 hysterical phone calls. How can I get my sister and my mom to LISTEN TO ME? I thought maybe call the hospice social worker? Or her nurse? It’s going to end up with me losing it. I don’t want mom to feel like a burden. I’m ruining my own life trying to do the job I said at the beginning I’m not capable of doing with my situation.
i just don’t know what to do.

Thank you all. I did call hospice and her nurse and social worker just left. They are sending her to the care center for at least 5 days and the social worker did advise us her care should be in a facility for the care she needs. My sister did listen and agree. After I posted last night she went full on agitation and everything else and we didn’t sleep so now she is seeing the deterioration with her own eyes. I hate this and feel like a failure but my mom is and has always been an amazing person and my best friend and she deserves the best care.

I also have my boss coming over to move assets before entering into a LTC facility. He’s a CPA and financial advisor so I’m pretty sure he’s going to transfer everything into a trust.
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Reply to Kentuckyfss3
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MG8522 Feb 16, 2025
I'm so relieved for you. You should feel no guilt or shame for moving her to a facility. At this point she needs full-time professional care in a setting designed for that and with a staff trained and equipped to provide it. If there wasn't a need, these places wouldn't exist. You're doing what's best for her at this stage, so take comfort and peace of mind in that.

I hope you can decompress now, get some urgently needed rest, and spend more time with your son. Let us know how you're doing. (And stay firm if your sister wants to back out of the plan to place her.)
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I agree with others who have said call the hospice coordinator or social worker now. Phones should be open 24/7 for emergencies with hospice. Tell them you are injured and cannot care for your mom. You need respite placement immediately. It might take a day or two to find a spot but tell them it’s urgent. They should be able to send aides to your home in shifts to take over until a respite spot can be found (aides are paid out of your mom’s pocket) Also tell them you need advice on how to transition to permanent. Tell them others in your family may disagree but you are no longer able to do hands-on care because you were injured and are at the end of your rope.

If your sister, mother, or anyone else refuses, tell them that they can either figure out another solution and/or take part in the meeting with hospice and go along with what they recommend. Remember, hospice people deal with this ALL the time. Disability and end of life IS their full-time jobs. They have seen thousands of cases. You are dealing with one. Don’t martyr yourself further!
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Reply to Suzy23
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I am so sorry to hear that. Caregiving is a huge job. My mom had a stroke in November and has been in a nursing home, but now we are transitioning to home health if her insurance will even provide that. I will be receiving her within the next week or two. You have to do what is best for you.
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Reply to DawnSarver
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No one will listen to you, but the power is in your hands, and you will need to decide whether or not to implement it.
I can't know if this is hospice care you got because you require some extra hands-on help, or if your mom truly is now close to death. If the latter is the case, then your current burnout DOES have an ending, and I hope that you will at that end be able to gather yourself together and stand relieved that this torment is over for your mother and yourself.

The place now to discuss this isn't really with a Forum of strangers. We here have been around the Forum for several years, have seen, read, and in some cases gone through it all. If you stay you will read a lot, and that will at the least help you to know you aren't alone in your desperation and despair. But if you need REAL solid beneficial help, you can't find it from us. HOSPICE is where you go to discuss this. Ask first about Respite; that is available with hospice and will give you a week to catch your breath. There may also be in-facility hospice available if you cannot go on. And if you end up broken and in the ER yourself then you CANNOT go on, right?

I wish you the best. I am so very sorry. This is such tough stuff with so few solid answers for help. We do see people who are broken, and who in fact die before the cared for loved one. You must know when this is no longer sustainable, and you must at that point place your elder for your own survival.
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Reply to AlvaDeer
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Kentuckyfss3 Feb 16, 2025
Thank you. I updated in a comment but I did just meet with hospice nurse and social worker and they are taking her to the care center for about 5 days. This is giving us some decision time.
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You find a new place to live before you lose your job. Then you give notice to your mom and sister that this is too much. You are in danger of losing your job and you injured yourself helping mom. You can’t do this anymore. So what if they get mad. They don’t care how you feel so why are you giving so much weight to their feelings? Can’t say you didn’t warn them.
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Reply to lkdrymom
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Your mother needs more help than you can provide.

You did a great job keeping her home as long as you did, but it is now time for a nursing home. She needs 24/7 care.
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Reply to Hothouseflower
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Yes, call the hospice social worker and her nurse and tell them that you have been injured, and need to increase the focus on your job, so you will no longer be able to provide any care. Tell your sister the same thing.

Do you have a home to go back to? If so, then go, with your son. If not, find someplace affordable for now, even if it just an airbnb, while you make a long-term plan.

Your mother and sister will have to work with the social worker and nurse to get additional in-home care or to place your mother in a nursing home.
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Reply to MG8522
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Time for Mom to go to a Nursing home or hire caregivers to come In . It is actually better that In the end they are being taken care of by Nurses .
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Reply to KNance72
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cwillie Feb 16, 2025
I'm always in awe of the people who manage to care for someone until the end of life but I agree that having experienced workers and an RN on site usually means better care, generally even the most dedicated family member can't do or know the things a facility is capable of.
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