My almost 93 yr old mom has 24/7 care at her home. She is gradually losing her sight and is very angry/frustrated about it.
She refuses to do audiobooks or use any assistive technology to make life a little more enjoyable. She says every time she listens, she falls asleep and would rather just sleep all day.
She won’t do any medical interventions and has brushed them aside for years. She still uses her walker, but is very depressed and miserable most of the time. She has some memory loss, but no dementia. I’m not sure what I can say or do when she tells me, “I can’t see today.”
Your mother might benefit from an antidepressant. Maybe you can convince her of that.
My father is 96, he has AMD. The shots were helping for a few years. They stopped working and stopped treatment about four years ago. He's now in a LTC facility. He enjoys the social activities they have and enjoys listening to music.
It's sad watching a parent decline.
Has there been discussion of any mild anti-depressants now that this has been ongoing for years?
She may not adapt. The fact is that some seniors do not, but you do need to explore what you can, and to start in the MD office.
They also will give you a list of organizations there to help the blind.
In so far as the sleeping? Yes. That would be normal whether she full vision or not at her age. Sleeping more and eating much less is the norm in the elderly. Be certain that her advance directive is done, and her wishes for end of life care as it approaches. She can ask for those forms in the MD office as well, explaining to the MD, if it is true, that her quality of life without vision means she is ready now to go without heroic measures to keep her here. This is a good time to address all documents needed from the MD.
Do use your search engine to type in "outreach for the blind" for your area. You will find active organizations to visit.
Do contact your local council (or agency) on aging.
I am sorry, and wish you luck.
1) hold her hand
2) offer reflective listening (I hear you saying xxx)
3) extend compassion ('this must be very frustrating for you")
4) do not push her to do anything
5) realize you can do so much and then you need to let go
6) Redirect - conversation or perhaps music or massage (gentle) - hands, feet, head, neck/shoulders.
7) Possibly contact MD to see about meds for depression
8) Always tell her I LOVE YOU... she will appreciate (need) this support / comfort
9) Lastly - and it isn't last - take care of yourself. You are likely grieving a major loss in your life, your mom declining.
You don't have to say anything when she says "I can't see today" (or offer words of compassion... "I am very sad you are going through this mom") and/or you acknowledge her in some ways outlined above.
Do not put undue pressure on yourself. Although do acknowledge how you feel and take care of yourself.
Gena / Touch Matters
If she loves music, try playing some of her favorite music. If she has a piano, she could play without sight.
Let her express her frustrations. Just listen and be compassionate. And let her sleep all day if she wants.
You can inform her of any treatment options that may be available to her and help her have a better quality of life. If she refuses, let it go.
I would also become severely depressed if I lost my sight; art and literature are a big part of my life. Seeing the blue sky and green leaves are as vital as the air I breathe.
First of all sympathise with your mum. Grieve her loss with her. Others not understanding how she feels will compound the hurt and anger she is experiencing. Don't add to her pain.
Finding new ways to enjoy the world will take time. Your mum doesn't have an awful lot of that. It would break my heart to not see the faces of those I love in my twilight years, to not see a smile when they see me. So, make sure that your voice carries that love to her, however frustrated you may feel about your mum's low mood.
Play music that she loves or, if she didn't have any favourites, find music together. I've always loved pop and rock music, heavy on the guitar, but I've recently been discovering classical music, especially piano and cello pieces. I find them very soothing and they lift my mood.
Listen to audiobooks with your mum, perhaps about a half hour at a time, and talk about the stories together.
Most of all, try and understand how difficult this loss is for her. Your mum's world is shrinking and now it has darkened too.
But, also, look after yourself and your own mental wellbeing, so that you aren't brought low by your mum's experience. That's easier said than done. Look up ways to build and strengthen your resilience.
Wishing you and your mum all the best.
1 - eye doctor to manage her eye health. She needs her vision tested and pressure checks too. She probably will not get better vision, but this doctor can put you in touch with help for those with low vision.
2 - primary health care provider to manage all her health problems. She needs to be evaluated and treated for any and all medical issues. This doctor can get you referrals for any specialists - neurologist for dementia-testing, eye specialist-for MD and other eye issues, psychiatrist - for mental health issues...
3 - psychiatrist to evaluate mental health and treat issues. Your loved one is not coping well with her low vision and needs to be evaluated and treated appropriately.
FYI - When anybody goes through a negative change in his/her life, they experience it as a "loss". Most people go through 5 stages of loss.
1 - denial - feelings and actions that this change isn't really happening.
2 - anger - feelings and actions that show anger in a situation that "this isn't fair or right"
3 - bargaining - trying whatever (usually ineffective) will make life go back to how it was before
4 - depression - feeling sadness and hopeless that this situation will only be negative
5 - acceptance - finding ways to be at peace and move forward with the way life has changed.
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