My MIL (67), who has been living with us the past year, had a stroke and has lost function in her left arm and struggles to walk independently (she has to be supervised when walking so we have to do everything for her). Healthcare team isn’t sure what her future looks like but she will be doing OT and PT in hopes to improve. In addition to the current stress and fear of the future, I am 6 months pregnant. I work from home so I am with her for most of the day. His brother lives 3.5 hours away and is unemployed but always has an excuse for why he can’t come and help her with tasks that she needs done (move across the hall so we can create a nursery). My husband works away from the house so we have a caregiver come for 8 hours a day to relieve me, but I manage all of my MILs appts which is A LOT. This became my responsibility since I work in healthcare and best suited to do this job. I don’t mind doing it but it’s a part time job and can be a lot at time.
Anyways, she’s only been out of the hospital for a week but my resentment is starting to grow. It all started with my BIL since he hasn’t been willing to help. She needs to go through bins and make room for the nursery but she is prioritizing her “wants” vs needs. She’s always been a hoarder so I imagine she is having a hard time letting go of some of her items BUT these items are just going to her storage and we will deal with it 6 months down the road when she is hopefully better and we have more time on our hands. She’s been “packing” since May. The clutter is driving me crazy. I walk past this room every day so it’s irritating. She also always calling out for my help when the caregiver is here so it kind of defeats the purpose of having one. She wants me to go to Dr. appts with her but I put my foot down with my husband and said the caregiver will be taking her or he can. I’m saving sick time for maternity leave, anyways. I tend to take on more than I should out of the kindness of my heart so I’m trying to find where to draw a fine line.
Long story short, I’m going into full blown resentment mode and my husband and I bicker about this stupid storage and getting her clutter organized and out of the house. In addition to full time work and being pregnant, I am starting my second year of my master’s program at the end of the month. My plate is full. I know I need to take a step back to have my husband take on responsibilities after the caregiver leaves for the day. I want him to see how much work this really is and I kind of feel like he needs to get to a breaking point to see how what changes we need to make. I want to nest. I want to enjoy the last 4 months as a family of 2. I also want the first few weeks of being a family of 3 to be alone. Regardless of her improvements, I want to bring up to him that my MIL should/needs to go spend time with family (they are all 3.5 hours away) so we can focus on ourselves, be alone and enjoy the first moments our child’s life, just us two. Prior to the stroke, she never left the home so we don’t ever get to be alone at home. I don’t know how he will feel or if my BIL would like that idea but I need it. Due date is 12/23 so I’d like her to go 12/1-1/31. I feel that would be best for our marriage and my sanity.
How do I support my husband without making him feel like I’m am purposefully not trying to help and how do I bring up the conversation of his mom visit family for the holidays so we can have some time alone? What if she doesn’t get better? I’m just scared for the future and don’t want to put extra tension on my marriage. I know it’s only been a week but I hope the resentment doesn’t get worse. Selfishly, the joy of pregnancy feels like it’s been robbed. Putting her in a home is not an option. It’s hard to have love for her like he does when she isn’t my mother but I want to be a good supportive wife and DIL. She is sweet, kind and a widow. I feel for horrible for having these feelings.
Please help! Emotional pregnant woman (31).
You've got the right idea here: "I know I need to take a step back to have my husband take on responsibilities after the caregiver leaves for the day. I want him to see how much work this really is and I kind of feel like he needs to get to a breaking point to see how what changes we need to make."
So there's not only the problem that you want to support your husband. Another problem is that your husband doesn't want to support you. Yup. He's probably incapable of it. He's all caught up in mother-love and what SHE wants. Not what YOU want. Stop wanting to support him! Why WANT to support him when doing so is in direct opposition to what you want and need?
Sure, the Wife Manual Version 101 says we're supposed to be supportive to our husbands. Move on to Version 102 where it says that we don't have to support them when they're being jerks.
About sweet kind MIL. You can expect the stroke to have many effects on her long-term health. One of the things she probably cannot do is organize and pack. It's almost certainly beyond her. So ditch that expectation.
So sorry, OP. I've done hands-on care for a stroke victim myself, and it's very hard. You shouldn't be doing this. No one should expect you to do it. As for her visiting family, chances are they aren't prepared to take care of her once she gets there. Despite your statement that "putting her in a home" isn't an option, better rethink that. Stop thinking of it as "putting her" somewhere. Go look at some ALs and reframe your thoughts to "we need to help her find a place where professionals will care for her and she'll have friends and a social life."
Good luck, and I hope you have a safe delivery of your precious baby.
I’ve set a firm deadline and told my husband that his mother needs to move out by 10/31. That gives her 7.5 weeks. We haven’t officially given her the date yet, but we did tell her she needs to go, and she is furious. We still need to talk with my brother-in-law, and I’m worried he’ll try to pressure us into extending the timeline. By then, I’ll be 32 weeks pregnant, and I already feel like we’re being generous. My husband is ready to stand up for our family, but if he had his way, he’d choose the path of least resistance and let her stay. I’m standing firm—there’s no way I’m going to let his brother dictate what we can and can’t handle.
Our main reason for pushing her to return to her hometown is that she has a community of family and friends there who can support her emotionally and mentally. If she stays with a family member, others will be nearby to help, which we don’t have here. Given her history of isolation and avoidance before the stroke, this support network will be even more crucial now. She needs to be surrounded by people her age who can relate to her situation. We’ve also suggested she stay there for at least a year, though I know she won’t like that. She’ll need home health care, outpatient therapy, and clearance from her neurologist and PCP before even thinking about independent living again. As far as her moving back here after that? That’s not in my plan—not in a year, or two, or ever. She can’t place this burden on her youngest son and our new family. I can’t imagine trying to balance a toddler and caring for a disabled adult, especially with her lack of left arm function and potential mobility issues.
Even if by some miracle she fully recovers, her time here has come to an end. I thought she would be more understanding of our decision. I know she’s dealing with a brain injury, but instead of seeing what’s best for us, she’s focusing only on her own needs and complaining that it’s unfair. As a reminder, she was never supposed to live with us for more than 9-10 months. She backed out on her original plan, which I didn’t foresee, and then when we found out about the baby, I agreed to let her stay longer. Now with the stroke, plans have changed again. I didn’t raise a fuss when her plans shifted and she wouldn’t be here to help with the baby. But as soon as I make a change on my end, I’m suddenly the villain.
There’s no winning. I’m exhausted—I can’t sleep, I cry almost every day, and now I’m physically sick. I just can’t handle the stress anymore. Thank you to everyone who’s shared advice and offered support—I really appreciate it.
Urge your husband to get her out in about a month. You've given her way too much time during which she can freak out, fret, make promises she has no intention of keeping, and so on.
As an aside, you don't need anyone to help with the baby. You and husband will handle it just fine, and it's better not to have someone else around in the first couple of months. They can really get in the way. It's your first baby, and therefore you don't have other kids to take care of. Enjoy!
Buh-bye, MIL.
A newborn doesn’t just arrive and everything is happy and wonderful. A baby disrupts any household for quite a while. They cry loudly, poop, don’t sleep when you want them to. Could be feeding problems or constipation or colic. You’re not going to be feeling good for quite a while. Like nobody told me beforehand how much pain I’d have afterward and how giving birth would make my hip joints feel like my legs had been pulled off and stuck back on like some hapless Barbie’s! And people coming over to see the baby, OMG just leave us alone! And your MIL is going to have to try to live and do her therapy in your home with this constant upheaval going on? NO.
If only she’d understand that AL isn’t like it was when toothless old granny went to a nursing home back in 1906. I visited one the other day. No one wants to need assisted living but if I were in your MIL’s situation, I’d much rather be in that bright and cheerful place than living with a newborn screaming all hours of the day and night. Plus its sleep-deprived and crabby parents.
About MIL stroke recovery, the aftereffects may include (just when she’s started to remaster skills like lacing her shoes and walking better with a cane) contraction of muscles so that her arms/hands draw up into the classic after/stroke posture. Or one foot or both start to drag. Or can’t remember words. These things can happen months after the stroke and can be a setback worthy of going into a nursing home. No one may tell you this because they don’t want to scare and depress the patient or caregivers. They should prepare people for this possibility. I was quite dismayed when I was caring for my family member stroke victim and contractions started happening. It’s painful for the patient, and for the caregiver it means more work, as in “I wish I’d never taken this on.”
1) MIL hires a storage container from a storage facility (we have oodles of them around here), all her ‘stuff’ is picked up by workers she pays for, and goes into the container – ready for her to deal with in 6 months' time.
2) MIL gets a choice of other places to live. She pays. It may be an apartment and she may need carers as well – or she may choose AL or a board home. But she goes and she pays.
3) You forget about the family. If they aren’t on board now, they won’t be – unless perhaps MIL living somewhere else spurs them into action, which is possible. But don’t wait for them.
4) You DON’T pick up the tab when the caregiver goes home. Make the carer’s last job for the day to be setting MIL up to last without help for at least a couple of hours. Depends if necessary to avoid toileting. You work with earplugs in. H takes over when he gets home.
5) Cull your ‘part-time job’ managing MIL’s medical appointments. Many older people have too many ‘repeats’, different things can be combined, made less frequent. Many older people actually enjoy lots of appointments – outings, focus of attention etc. Be ruthless.
6) Think carefully about postponing your second year of your master’s program. I can’t imagine it working well with a new baby and sleep deprivation, let alone with all of this hassle as well. It may be better to postpone than to fail.
Good luck! Don’t worry about losing your temper a few times. It’s more constructive than being a doormat. Yours, Margaret
Esp since it's your FIRST baby and they tend to make a greater shift in the family dynamic--no matter how much you PLAN--nothing will truly prepare you for the onslaught of emotions and complete and utter change that a new little life brings.
(Not meaning to sound negative--just realistic! Having my 5 babies was and is the best thing I ever did--but it did come with a price, as anything of value does).
You really need to have as much personal space with just you. DH and baby as you can. SO MUCH of the initial bonding takes place in those first few weeks, and they are precious and special. You don't want someone else constantly in your face. My Grandmother lived near us when our first was born. SHE came to ME and would take the baby and walk with her, or rock her, while I took much needed naps. She also left a delicious meal behind and she LEFT after a few hours. THAT was helping.
What your MIL can do to help is probably negligible--if she doesn't have full use of her arm, she's going to have to be 'watched' while she holds the baby. How is that helpful? Needing almost as much hands on care as a new baby? How is THAT helpful?
You're lucky that she is a sweet person. That alone will make this 'easier'.
BIL who is not employed should be brought into the picture. If that can't be made to work, then MIL can move to AL. It's NOT a death sentence, it may actually be better for her to be receiving PT and OT on a regular basis.
The hoarding is a whole other issue and if you don't get that nipped in the bud, she will take over your entire house. I've seen it happen way too many times.
This is ultimately on your DH to handle--he needs to be sat down and talked to with no sugarcoating.
Most people will say "AL is NOT an option" and then come to find that it not only IS an option, but it's also the best and most workable.
Good luck with this. Please be careful with YOURSELF. You need to come first right now.
Thank you for your kindful and honest comments. I am the oldest of 5 and have a good idea of what to expect with a newborn but even then, it will be a whole new journey as a parent. I am not sure my husband has truly understood that yet and my BIL made a joke saying this experiance is "preparing us for the baby". I didn't take it personal but it shows how disconnected he is with this whole situation.
Unless my MIL makes a full recovery, she really won't be helpful with the baby. Her HH OT/PT said she will never get full function of her arm again and will need adjust to her life with only use of one arm. So, I won't be able to nap, do school or even go to the grocery store and trust that she can watch him if she doesnt have function in her arm. So no, she won't be helpful. I know she will adjust to a new lifestyle but I will likely never trust him with her alone for the sake of their safety.
I am done stressing about this hoarding and storage thing because unfortunately, it's creating a lot of tension between my husband and I when it not an urgent priority. Also, the baby isn't coming tomorrow so I don't technically need the room. I just want to enjoy the nesting and creating of the nursery part which is why I have been obssessing about getting it taken care of. I have accepted the fact that I need to extend the deadline I have gave her given the 4 week set back.
She has said she would rather die than be put in a home so you can imagine how that makes my husband feel. I also don't know if she could financially afford it. After her stroke, my inital thought was to send her back to her home city (3.5 hours away) because her son, siblings and other family members all live there. There is so much more support there, both physcially and mentally but we aren't sure where she would go. As I mentioned, I want to have these conversations with my husband and accept the support her family members is offering to see what we can do. Its just fresh and a touchy subject for all of us.
After the coversation about her arm today, I feel defeated. Homehealth will be in my home for at least 4-5 months in hopes that her walking will improve, which they believe will happen. I dont want strangers in my house when I have a newborn but luckly her care can be trasferred if needed. I feel sick for wanting to "send her away" but I dont think my husband or his family is grasping the fact that we have a newborn coming soon and there's just no way to do both. I will be lucky if I dont get postpartum depression after all of this and if we can't find her a new temporary home....
My older sister has had no use of her left arm since a stroke she was 26, and her sons were 4 and 6. Limited use of one dragging leg, she picks it up from the hip. She types, uses the computer, ran her own accounting and auditing business for 40 years, ran the finance side of my BIL’s engineering business (and made them a lot of money), organised her house and kitchen so that she could manage. Aged 80 and with more problems, she now has a carer for an hour bed prep night and morning, and a friend/ carer who is with her three mornings a week and does the cooking. Of course she has a walker, plus an electric wheel chair when she is out. She does NOT ‘have to be supervised’ and she does NOT have everything done for her. I think that you are underestimating what your MIL can learn to do for herself, and that is not a good move for you or for her. She won’t ‘recover’, but she will learn to cope – if that’s her best option rather than being waited on.
She may be sweet and a widow, but she is NOT being kind. Don’t kid yourself! ‘Sweet’ is better than ‘nasty’, but it can also be manipulative.
While the most gains happen with the first weeks, slower improvements accross cogniton & mobility can still be made for 2 years (even more if someone works hard at it). Unfortunately, arm mobility has a poor recovery rate.
In fact, some therapists don't talk about recovery as a 'return to previous function' at all, but as a new path to 'the new normal'.
If MIL is independant to walk, toilet herself she may be suitable to return to her home, with many supports to for what she needs assistance for eg Personal care for shower assist. Home supports for meal delivery, cleaning, laundry, maintenance. Maybe an accountant to manage bills/finances.
However, if MIL needs assistance to walk/toilet she will need supported living. This can be very burdonsome for family members to provide themself, unless very fit, retired & financially able. For a young couple about to become parents, a shared home could work IF the home allowed for separation for privacy (eg a Mother-in-Law suite) & money for aides to provide the bulk of the care.
Even so, taking on the 'management' for a dependant person is a BIG job. Sometimes a Geriatric Care Manager Service can be employed, but the bulk will still fall on family. (I know only 67 yrs is not 'geri' but it is retirement age & therfore should fall into 'elder care' services).
I think the Husband probably needs a good reality check. The OP may be so efficient he has been cushioned so far.
I often suggest a weekend away, with a relatives or friend (two week even better). Not for MIL, but for the Wife.
Then the Husband can get the hands-on experience he needs to open his eyes.
With his new insight, he then sits his Mom down & you all have an honest chat about her future.
Q. "What if she doesn’t get better?"
A. Then she doesn't get better.
"Putting her in a home is not an option."
It usually is. (Unless you live in a country without any Aged Care Homes/Nursing Homes).
🦸♂️ Step in to assist family in a health crises?
🏠👩⚕️💰 Offer ongoing 24/7 support & housing?
These are very different things.
Many have swooped in to help in the short term (with best intentions) but then realised they need a better longer term plan.
Superman didn't fly in, scoop his Mother up, bring her home & expect Lois to look after her very high care needs, for evermore, right?
Superman would ensure a person (even his Mother) was in a safe location, with trusted people to take over.
This man needs to do that.
I have to ask...has the future been discussed. Not future like 3 months, 6 months but 12 months, 18 months, 2 years?
MIL should be contributing to the household. MIL should be the one that is paying for the caregiver. MIL should be paying her fair share of mortgage, utilities, food, and any other household expenses.
You should not be feeling horrible for having these feelings. This is a time when you and your husband should be planning for an exciting, frightening time in your lives. You now have the added fear of caring for an older woman with health concerns. (And MIL is pretty young this could go on for 20, 30 years!)