My sibling and I live in different states from our parents. My mom has dementia (undiagnosed and getting worse) and my dad is an alcoholic who may also have some dementia. They do not have a primary care physician (hence no diagnoses). They are 89 and 90 and live in their two story home in the suburbs. They do not have a drivers license anymore (DMV cancelled both their licenses and they both know they can not legally drive). They both have macular degeneration and my dad is nearly blind. They can not use technology or a cell phone (they can barely use the landline). They refuse to give us power of attorney. I automated some of their bills, they have not paid taxes in 2 years.
Recently they have become very paranoid. They think we have sabotaged their phone so they can't call out. They think we control their TV. They are convinced that someone is spying on them (car parked on street in front of their house with no one inside).
We have called adult protective services, they told us they can not help. They say my parents have a right to live as they choose. The police can do nothing unless they catch them driving which has not happened yet. We have told her she will be arrested if caught, she does not care. She leaves mean voicemails on our phones and states she no longer loves us and that we are horrible children who just want her money. My dad just claims to be "out of the loop" but he is present when she makes calls and leaves messages. We have tried everything. Arranging for companies to come into their home to clean and drive them to appointments but they refuse all our attempts to help them stay in their home. They refuse to even look at senior communities. They refuse to get a diagnosis/referral to a neurologist. They have each been hospitalized in the past year. Each time the hospital tells us that they are clearly having trouble with their cognitive functioning but they still discharge them with no help or supervision. We do not have $10,000 - 15,000 to try and obtain guardianship and frankly, I don't want it. They are a hazard to themselves and to their community but we have no control over their choices. This is killing my sibling and I. Besides guardianship, and again we live out of state and do not really want it, does anyone have an idea of how to get them help?
This should be a club too: Triple D.
Add delerium for the quaddie.
If the world was so simple as to be divided into The Sweet, The Reasonable & The Fiesty... The Sweet says "whatever you think Dear" & adjusts & enjoys their new retirement home. The Reasonable decide what they can & can't do, face it, & move themselves (My Grandmother did just that).
The Fiesty will go down like Captains of their ship, like farmers with their boots on. Like the 98 yr old vintage car lover who attempted to drive his vintage car through the Australian high country...
You are left with 'await the crises' to 'effect real change'. It's like a special club. Welcome.
The club is where I learnt to sort the things I CAN do something about from what I CAN'T.
Can't stop them driving.
CAN alert their local police & give details of their car.
Can't make them eat well, take meds, get medical assessments.
CAN talk to Doctor, Nurse in Charge, Social Workers when admitted to hospital.
Can't stop them being discharged home (yet).
CAN be a broken record:
- They cannot self-care.
- They refuse help.
CAN bug APS.
Sit down with your sibling & think-tank. What CAN you do. Do it. Then you can relax some.
How does that sound?
Is this to say they are still driving without licenses?
If not, then I agree with what Lealonnie1 wrote.
If so then consider putting a Tile tracker in their car(s), then start monitoring. The minute one moves from their property (especially your alcoholic father), call 911 and report it. The car will be impounded. Leave it in there. Maybe the cop will call an ambulance if they seem "off" and paranoid and they'll go to the ER. This would be the opportunity to have your parent assessed. If you have the contact for one of their neighbors, consider having them put the Tiles in for you.
They have both been hospitalized and both times the hospital said they had cognitive issues and they did not want to release them to the other partner. Then they release them. No one did a cognitive/neurological assessment of either of them while they were in the hospital. My dad was in the hospital for over a week and they (the nurses) told us they could not assess him for dementia until he were released! Then they released him to her care (even though they told us that they thought my mom had too many issues to be able to safely care for him). He was back home on the eighth day and where did the taxi driver stop on the way home??? The liquor store.
I don't understand them being released to live alone after the doctor clearly recognizes their cognitive impairment! And APS telling you there's nothing they can do b/c your folks have the right to live as they choose. Until what happens? Until they burn down the house or cause a fire to spread to the whole neighborhood? They want you to wait for a crisis to happen where your folks go to rehab to recover from a serious incident, and then rehab refuses to release them back to living alone. That's when you can get involved in placing them in managed care, but not without POAs for financial permission to deal with their money, sale of the house, etc. And, with dementia diagnosed formally, they cannot GIVE anyone POA! So I don't know what to tell you, except good luck and Godspeed.
I suggest you read this 33 page booklet (a free download) which has THE best information ever about managing dementia and what to expect with an elder who's been diagnosed with it.
Understanding the Dementia Experience, by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller
https://www.smashwords.com/books/view/210580
Jennifer is a nurse who worked for many years as an educator and counsellor for people with dementia and their families, as well as others in caring roles. She addresses the emotional and grief issues in the contexts in which they arise for families living with dementia. The reviews for her books are phenomenal b/c they are written in plain English & very easy to read/understand. Her writings have been VERY helpful for me.
The full copy of her book is available here:
https://www.amazon.com/Thoughtful-Dementia-Care-Understanding-Experience/dp/B09WN439CC/ref=sr_1_2?crid=2E7WWE9X5UFXR&keywords=jennifer+ghent+fuller+books&qid=1657468364&sprefix=jennifer+ghent%2Caps%2C631&sr=8-2
Perhaps learning about dementia will give you some insight into how to help your parents, I don't know.
Best of luck.